Crossroad

And there I was thinking the roadblocks of puberty have been crossed.

BTW as I am typing this I have Miley Cyrus' "When I look at you" playing on repeat. I think it is an amazing song.

Nway -

University has kept me from u guys. It is godly insane what s expected of us. I have such deep rooted issues with the manner in which the institution I attend is run, that I sometimes find myself hating my life for brief time - cause I made the choice to attend it. I love what I do. I just don't prefer the medium in which I gain access to it. But they are unfortunately the best. What a stupid situation.

Pressure for future. I do not know if I should study honours or not. I have an insane student loan already. But I have to complete my honours at this institution if I ever wanna do a masters degree at another institution. Some silly red tape thing. Or I can go do honours in something else like maybe journalism.

This is kinda a big choice cause it will effect what I want to do with my life. Do I wanna continue pursuing what I do now? Or do I wanna branch out. Branching out seems the smart thing to do. But it could also backfire.

I also wanna invest in a camera for myself to like kinda make money on the side. But that will cost at least a $1000 which I don't really have laying around. Spend money to make money eh?

I dunno man. Questions are spinning in my head. A vortex. I keep analysing everything and at the end of the day I just realise that nothing matters cause we will all die one day and we are running after the wind. I am not nihilistic or anything but I am just trying to figure out what my priorities are. Cause lately I have screwed up.

My (ex?) bf ?!

I don't even know what to say to that. When I fuck up I do it really bad. Basically I did something that still makes logical sense. But emotionally I kinda fucked with myself. And the other person. But with good intention. I think in the long run it makes sense still. But then I started remembering what I believe in. I believe in the now. And thus I failed myself. I betrayed my core believes. i have spoken to my boy and he understand why I did it though. I don't deserve that of him. He is so amazing. He is soooo amazing. He makes me proud almost every day.

I love u.

To top it all of. My dad is in the ICU for the past weekend. And they don't know when he will be able to come home. The human heart. Fragile in both physicality and metaphor...

I need a holiday. I need to get away and I need to be in nature. My break is almost starting and I look forward to just feel. To be and to feel and to reconnect with what matters.

Tis all for now.

Peace and love,h
xXx

FML post fail

Okay so I am sorry. I just can't do this posting regularly thing. It is too demanding and I am way too busy. i am aiming to do 10 posts a month. That seems fair.

So a lot has happened in two weeks. OMG So much! I have been busy a burning hell at uni. Incredible workload. Insane. Inhumane. And just so u know I am not lazy by any means. i was like top 5 academic achiever during my high school career. So I kinda get the working thing. I don't get how the lazy people cope.

I must say I am rather proud of myself. After my meltdown last term I have been doing a lot better. Sleep more, eating more regularly, drinking less and getting in a lot of water and vitamins. Yay me!!!!

Mom was worried bout me and the workload so when I got home a week back she redid my entire room. New carpets, New bedding, accessories for the room. It looks way much nicer. She said she wanted a nice aura for me to do the work in. So sweet. Such a darling!

Yay! We are getting a new HD 3D projector for our living room. I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED I CAN LIKE FUCK A GINGER!!! Okay wait that is offensive. Lol. Sorry. >.<

Had a party on Friday night and kinda bonded with some of my team mates. Twas epic fun. I was a bit drunk. Me and my gay gf went to gay club afterward to kinda let loose. Was yum!

Then on Saturday I joined my parents at a seaside lodge and we slept over. Had a yummy dinner and all so it was all good and well. Forgot my phone there though - so now i have to drive 45minutes to got get the damn thing. Bleh!

On Sunday i went to a very nice Cuban styled restaurant. OMG the waiter was epically hot! He seems brazilian with shoulder length str8tened hair. We flirted a lot. I even left a wink on the till slip. Silly me! Haha!

Well that is it for now. Imma catch up on some blogs.

Peace and love

xXx

Feel it. It is here.

Sigh...

I love South Africa so much.

Those of you that read my blog regularly would know that I am such a cry-baby. I kinda have happy tear syndrome. And at the moment I'm drinking a glass of SA wine - the best in the world - listening to Waka Waka and just drinking in the last few hours of an event that kinda changed my country's future.

They say we couldn't do it. They said we would not be ready.

We were. We are. Nkosi sikeleli africa ! (God bless Africa!)

We may not have the money or the surplus that most of you experience, but we have the heart and we have the soul. And for that reason I am proud. Sure we carry the debt. But you guys know what? Ubuntu! Money is material. What this meant to our nation is immeasurable!

This time for Africa, eh?!

I wish all of you could experience this time in my beautiful home country. It was such an amazing magical time filled with reconciliation and unity. Flags everywhere. Heck I can even now blow a vuvuzela! This was collectively the best month of my life. (Thanx to the special you too!)

United we stand Africa!

And I don't think we stood back for one moment! I am soooo deeply grateful for all the negative stereotypes that was broken!

It is being hailed as one of the best SWC ever to be hosted. Attendance wise it is only one of three world cups ever to have attendance numbers break the 3 million mark. Yet they said that no one would come.

There has been a lot of speculation about whether Madiba would hand over the cup. I know that he would be burning to do it. I hope he does. I know he wants to. If he does not there must be a very valid reason and the people should respect it. But come hand over time and he is there the country would erupt!

I don't even care who wins the final. Two underdog teams on the underdog continent...*smiles*

Viva Africa! The country of my scull!

PEACR LOVE AND HAPPY TEARS!!!!

xXx

PURPLE !!!

Kinda productive holiday day!

So I got up really late and decided I have to go renew my car license. So proud of myself for actually doing it in time lol! Then went to refill my ink and made an appointment at the day spa for a hair cut. Got one for 2morrow at 12.

On the way out of the computer shop (where I refilled the ink) I walked into my ex-priest lol! (Yeah, I think I should make a post about my wacky spiritual beliefs - just to kinda test ur openmindedness.) Nway, I kinda ignored him. He looked at me with empry eyes. Kinda reminded me of his empty promises.

Anyway from religion to sex. I am sooooOOoo PURPLE!!! FML!!! I totally have a hormone imbalance since my boy left. Bleh! I kinda have two willing boys lined up. But I dunno. It would only be sexytime. No emotion. And I don't know if I roll like that. Well I think my kinda-boy-who-left- would incourage me to get some. We kinda understand the situation.

I plan on making a post-SWC post as well. I am so proud of the way we hosted this event. I think we did AWESOME! But yeah, a lot of kewl statistic to give to ya. And they all said we couldn't do it ...

THIS TIME FOR AFRIXA !!!!

Peace, love and soccer balls!

xXx

Me the Narcissist

Haha! Yeah what a shocker >.<

I saw Jack did this personality disorder test. Looked well fun, so I did it too:

Disorder Rating

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Click HERE for the link to the test. Why not do it and then paste results on ur blog. It is kinda interesting!

Peace and love!

xXx

Str8 hate!

Seriously imma gonna indulge my stupidity for a post, cause I mean why the fuck not, right?!

So as I said i went out with my friends that I haven't seen that much recently. What a fuck up IMO!

We went to this old crummy bar. But I mean drinks are really cheap and we watched the soccer on big screen. Bleh Spain under performed IMO. So then these guys start hitting on the two girls with me. So I was kinda annoyed cause it isn't nice laid-back flirting. Rather like they take my fucking seat when I go to the bathroom. Then when I get back hey are like "U should chill we just wanna have a good time, and these are the only girls here." So I'm like "yeah okay, whatever". So after the match we leave to another place. They conveniently follow us there. Then we go sit outside - GUESS WHAT - they come sit at the table next to us and start being irritating again. Then a song starts playing and the three girls (we picked up another one on the way to the second place) wanna go dance (BTW the song was Waka Waka!!! LOVIT! >.<) So one of the guys asks me why I am going with. Then I told him I kinda have to take care of the girls. He replies "No worry, we are here". And without thinking I replied "exactly"...oops I'm such a biatch. But they were getting on my nerve. Anyway I'm getting bored writing about this. But the one gf made me go to a next place to follow them. What a nightmare!

So hence I have decided fuck str8 clubs/bars. I really only like gay bars now. Why? Cause I can go with my gf's and have a good time with them. I mean it is not that I am jealous if they get attention, but they get distracted And I can only see them once in a while so the times we do spend together I want us to actually spend together. And no, we chat beforehand as well, so it isn't like I'm oblivious to the fact that not much bonding can occur in a club. But we need to have fun and let loose. We are young ffs! Heheh!

Oh. o.O. Yeah, okay if u follow my blog for a while now, you would know that I said I don't do gay clubs. That changed the past three weeks. I went there very often. Someone special wanted to go. So we did. And I loved it. I feel at home and comfy. And the hot str8 topless barmen with ass cleavage helps haha!

Bleh! I start uni in a week. So not looking forward. Im gonna die of pressure. Meh, At least I love what I do!

Love ya guys!

Peace and love!

xXx

New look

So yeah I tried out a new design. I think it still looks shit. But better than before. Lol!

So the world cup is turning out interesting. I was devastated with the exit of Ghana tonight. It would have meant so much for Africa if they won. Bleh!

Nway I'm so behind with blog reading that I should rather do that than waste time writing nonsense.

I am going out tomorrow night with some friends. So that will be nice since I haven't seen some of them for a while.

I want u guys to check out this kewl blog. He has made numerous posts, but he isn't getting a lot of traffic. I think it is worth ur time. Why not just pop in and decide for urself?

http://eye-m-bi.blogspot.com

Nway smell ya later!

Peace and love!!!

xXx

See you soon

Letter to my dearest friend and lover.

Dear Bibi

As I am typing this my eyes are filled with the memories and love that built up inside me over the past six months.

I am crying, baby. Not because I am sad only, but because I feel blessed that I had the incredible miracle of playing some part in your life.

I feel so proud that I know someone as amazingly smart, caring and fun as you. You have changed my life and I can say with confidence that I have altered yours. You will forever be with me as I carry you in my heart of hearts.

Although time will come as a blessing in disguise and heal us of one another as space will drift between, this I promise you my dear sweet habibi...the love and understanding that we share will stand the test of time.

You may think that I have shown you the path, but I assure you that you have changed my entire course. I let you know that I love you and you obliged without hesitation. But I never did allow myself to indulge you with my true feelings as I understood that the inevitable departure would be too much to bare.

I want you to always remember the little time we had and never let anyone put you down. Be kind as you always are and teach them not through words, but by your amazing example.

I will see you again my doux bebe. Up until then I will live life to its fullest as to enrich myself for our next meeting.

It was truly a privilege and a pleasure spending time with you.

I love you with all my heart and all my soul.

Your taatie-teef

P.S I want you to read this poem by Robert Frost as it reminds me of you...

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


xXx

Back

Im sorta hoping to be able to start posting on a more regular basis again.

Geez what a hectic hectic month. I have never ever worked so hard in my life ever! And I'm not really done yet in next week I have three consecutive exam totalling 78hours. Yes u read correctly. So that will be kinda crazy and kinda inhumane, but I'm a big boy and will make it.

My dad was released from hospital a few days after I made the last post. They didn't really know what caused it so that is kinda troublesome. He is better now, nut he isn't taking it easier.

Was to tired to watch the final of AI, will check reruns on TV tonight. Not really interested in who won, but rather Simon's farewell! Tear!

Went to watch a rugby match the other day and it was really nice. I REALLY love the atmosphere. It has to be on every persons 100 things to do before u die list.

Ah the dress up party was okayish. No majour fun. Food was nice. I did end up going a PP. Bleh! I looked kewl I think. Meh! Maybe if ur kewl enough I'll mail u a pick!

Geez this is shocking nearly three weeks without a post and i don't have much to say. Just shows how little time I had for leisure.

Oh, my brother is back from his overseas work for a month. And so is one of my gf's from USA. She is on 2month holiday. Not really too amped about the returns. Don't mind it, but there is no excitement.

Looking forward to the holidays. One week to go.

Congrats on all the boys who finished school this month! Welcome to the real world!

xXx

Peace and Love

I hate that smell!!!

Hospitals.

Gawd! i hate that smell! I hate it! I was in hospital sooo much as a little boy and had so much operations in my life that I cannot stand the smell of a hospital. I have associated it with me being pushed down by a few people while they are fighting to get the gas mask on my face to administer the anaesthetics. So every time I walk in there I get really anxious. It is terrible.

Nway the reason for my visit: My dad!

They came home like after midnight last night. When he undressed his legs were swollen bad and like inflamed really bad. It looked like burn wounds. So we rushed him to the ER. Sat there waiting for him for 5 hours before the doctors said thy are keeping him there for 48 hours. He will be okay though. I think.

While I was sitting there I has an weirdly interesting time To see people being rushed in. All the different and implausible realistic cases streaming in one after the other. One that really affected me was this case where a 19 year old boy went home at o1hoo and he hit a tree. His mother was sitting there poker face. Her other 16 year old son was killed 6months prior to this. Also in a car accident. So the older brother's heart stopped and they had to resuscitate him. I found out today that we woke up today and all he did was grab his mom's hand.

Fuck, it is sooo beautiful. Love. Man. What a miracle. l

Life is sooo short, eh?

Bleh! On a lighter note. I have been a very very stupid boy this weekend. I have not done enough work. So now I have immense pressure on me yet again. But, I had to take the day off to visit my dad, it is mother's day and one of my best gf's bday. So I mean I choose family and friends over work. there is no changing this.

I am doing a photo shoot tomorrow. I am quite excited, but fuck now I have a little zit on my mouth. Bleh! Photoshop for them! Hahah! Why thank you Murphy! Thu art a heartless bitch.

One of my friends that au paired for a year in USA is coming back on Tuesday. So will be nice to see her again.

A lot of the younger bloggers are about to start with exams. So I just wanna say: GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

I love it when it rains!

There is just something mesmerising about rain. It calms me. Sooo therapeutic. It is like nature's take on Enya >.<

So ironic that I was on a month long holiday begging for it to rain, and now since classes started again it is pouring! Maybe next time I should be more specific with the timing hihi

So first two days and I bet the first week of uni is much more chilled then I suspected it would be. Bleh will have to go in on Saturday though. This means the pressure will be more concentrated arrrrggghhh!!! *faints*

Oe, at least I have a parddyy to look forward to (Friday)! There will most likely be some gay guys. Bleh not that Imma be on the look though. Just nice to know ur not a soft target heheh!

One of my gf's and ur cute little brother will be coming to my house on Saturday to help me format my stupid PC and reinstall everything. The fucking piece of crap was such a waste of money - dud! I am currently on my Mac most of the time and I don't really wanna do that. Would rather use the pc for the crap things. Just do uni related work on here and surf the web, cause it is super faster than The pc. FFS!!!!! HATE MICROSOFT!!!!!

Going to go look for my outfit on Thursday - for the dress up. I'll report back on that as soon as I know!

OMG! Bleh! Shame! One of my gf's received a call in middle of class saying that her grandma just passed away. That must have been soOOooo bad. We had to sit through the lecture and all. I insisted that we skip the rest of the classes and that I take her to her family. I hope they are doing okay. *hopes*

Ah having a braai tomorrow night with the family! And if that finishes early enough I will be going out with 3 gf's to a nice small club that has majour special Wednesdays! So that will be fun I think!

Oh before i go: I just want to declare my love for the show Grey's Anatomy and Will&Grace!!!!!

Peace out fuckers!!!

xXx

40 Days

I feel like I am standing at the top of a waterfall, fully acknowledging that I will be pushed off very soon.

In 40 days my first semester of second year will be done with. 40 Days. Fourty days. OMG! This is simply a farce. I am flabbergasted. I do not even think the amount of time available in 40 days is enough to equal the required time to earn the credits. I am, in all honesty, scared. Too much work. There is just too much work. I will have to take good care of myself if to avoid a breakdown. Lol. I know the others in my years will be freaking out. I shall have to keep it together. I know I will be able to do it. I just hope there is time left to enjoy the art and the process.

So in order to achieve this little goal i will have to take better care of myself. Thus I am committing to the following:

I follow some of these already, but I restricting it even further. I really hope I can stay with this as far as possible.

- No junk food
- No added sugar
- No added salt
- No caffeine drinks: including tee and coffee
- Only drink when going out and limit it to 5 drinks per night (*one glass of wine with dinner)
- No midnight snaking
- Go to the gyn at least once a week
- No smoking EVER (again)
- Get at least six hours sleep in each night
- Do not skip breakfast (or any other meal for that matter)
- Drink one squeezy bottle of water each day
- OMG please don't procrastinate - there is really no time lol >.<
- No fizzy drinks - OMG there goes beer - OMG I LOVE BEER! ;-(
- No white breads
- Make time to enjoy life!

Okay I think that will do it. Wayner will be proud of me hahaha! Now I just need to work in some man to man sex! ;-)

I have taken into account ur ideas for my costume for next weekends dress up. I shall see what is available to rent and report back. Maybe I'll even paste a pic for u of me in the outfit?!

Ah damn Magnus voted off of Idol. This is such a weak season. Simon should have left last year. It really was the best talent last year. Will never get to that limit again easily if indeed ever.

In other news. I don't know who of u read my previous post and responded, but I would like to thank you very much if u made the effort. Sam will really appreciate it!

Peace and love!

P.S. Welcome to Olive!

xXx

Show some love

Blogging BFF Sammy is in need of some TLC!

PLEASE go to his blog and show him some support. His younger brother and older sister was involved in a very bad car accident. They are doing okay atm. However, they are still in hospital.

Sam is such an amazing person and has a very nice close-nit family. He is currently at boarding school far away from his family and as u can imagine it must be very hard for him.

Love u Sam!

Peace, love and prayers!

xXx

8

I fucking hate spiders!

I have this irrational morbid phobia.

I start to cry and overreact when I see one - even if I know it is harmless.

I hate spiders. The most disgusting thing ever. Rather give me a snake. (No, not that, u dirty fucker ;-P)

I had one in my room today. I had to get my mom to come kill it. It is sooo gross I am still quite depressed.
I keep on itching everywhere bleh bleh bleh!

NWAY!

Had a nice dvd night wiht some friends last night. Was very productive and so on.

Tonight I am planning to go out with some of my other friends - including one that came back from holiday today. Should be fun! (If I can get the hairy fucking spider imagine that is now ingrained in my mind out of my smexy little head FML!)

The itsy bitsy spider climbed...SQUASH!!!

DIE YOU FUCKING FREAK!
MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHH!!!!!

Peace, love and poison

P.S. No actual dirty gross spiders were harmed during the making of this post

xXx

Gonna get dressed. Pun intended?

Hey all you amazing people!!!

So yesterday I had such a nice day! I slept in late and then met up with a gf at the mall to do some serious shopping!!!

Once again I have to note that I was being totally stupid about the good reaction I got when coming out. I think it was just aftershock. I am now completely over it. I reread some of the horror coming out stories and I just kinda realised even more how extremely fortunate I am. I mean others come out and they are disowned and here I am and my parents give me money a week after I come out to go buy myself pink shirts lol!

Anyway so I don't really do marathon shopping. When I see something nice I would buy it, but I needed to get new clothes to fit my new life! So I ended up with 5 nice t-shirts, 4 long-sleeve shirts, a kewl hoody and a pair of jeans. I think I need some more jeans, but we were so tired Ill go do that at another time!

I love having new clothes. it makes me feel confident and sexy! A very good combination. I like looking nice and being trendy!

Ahhhh wait even better news. My hair stylist (that's what he calls himself) left some time ago to go work in another city. This was like three months ago. So I have never been to anyone else cause I was depressed and scared about going to a new hair dresser lol! I am very fussy about my hair. Anyway I learnt yesterday that he came back! He wasn't happy with the long commute. So YAY ME! I am gonna try and make an appointment for 2morrow!

Here comes the pun part: I was on my way home after shopping and cocktails. So mom asked me to go to KFC to get food for my grandma and grandpa who lives in a flat with us. So I go though the KFC drive through and the woman is like "What would u like MA'AM?" WFT WFT WFT WFT WFT WFT! This is the 3rd time in my life this has happened! To add insult to injury she added: "Have a nice day, Ma'am!" OMG I was soooo upset for like 5minutes. But then I just realizes it shouldn't affect me this much. I mean I really do not look like a woman. I really don't and I am not insecure about this. I just do not get what they are on about!

Nway got home though on some of the new clothes to go to dinner. Was feeling great! Had a lovely dinner with the rents and then when I came home I caught the BCC Comedy Fest on. LEE EVANS IS A COMEDY GOD!!!!!!

Oooohhh, before I go - I have a dress up pardy soon. We have to like dress up as a animation character/Disney character. I am thinking of like maybe going as Peter Pan? What do u guys think? Any other suggestions?

That's all for now folks.

Peace, love and laughter,

P.S. Welcome Bi-Alan

xXx

HOTTEST HUNKS 2009

Ey so again today started at a slow pace and was very relaxed!

Gee I have such a wonderful life for which I am very thankful!

Got dressed and went out with one of my dearest gf's for cocktails and Mexican platters. It was really nice. She was speaking to me also of her issues with her bf. Meh I am starting to think they have no nope. Wud sux to see their relationship of so many years just...end.

Anyways just as we were about to leave I saw my parents entering the restaurant. HOW WEIRD?! Was very surprised to see them and vice verse. So my gf said it is fine if i wanna stay and so I did. Score another cocktail and some calamari. Twas nice....

Then I was suppose to go out to a club, but meh, didn't like the people that went so I decided to stay home wiff mom and dad and watch a music concert DVD. It was a very good SA production with high production value. I was quite impressed!

So now I am about to go to bed. Just wanted to keep ya guys up to speed.

Peace and love....

Nah okay I'm only kidding here follows my list of 2009's HOTTEST HUNKS!!!!

(Keep in mind 2009 - I wil release this year's version later on)

Top 25 - 2009

25 Dan Carter
24 Brad Pitt (YEAH GET OVER IT!!!)
23 Shane West
22 Paul Walker
21 Ryan Reynolds

20 Eric McCormack
19 Christiano Renaldo
18 Enrique Iglesias
17 Adam Lambert
16 Orlando Bloom

15 Jesse McCartney
12 Josh Duhamel
13 Leonardo DiCaprio
12 James Franco
11 Daniel Radcliffe

TOP TEN

10 Ashton Kutcher
9 Emile Hirsch
8 Robert Pattinson
7 Gael Garcia Bernal
6 Johnny Depp

THE TOP FIVE

5 DAVID BECKHAM

4 ZAC EFRON

3 KEVIN ZEGERS

2 JOE JONAS

AND THE WINNER IS!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

The new life dawns

Okay okay yeah I am still on about the coming out thingy.

I am still in shock that it went so good. And the I feel guilty for ever doubting my family. Meh I think it is just weird for me to like be on the phone today and tell a boy I think that guy is cute or that guy isn't and not have to care who hears or speak in hushed tones. FML it is amazing. It is so nice and relaxed. No more paranoia.

I decided I will not like make my orientation know to the extensive public. If someone asks I will tell them, but I do not want my orientation to become the most interesting part of me. Ya know? Cause it really isn't...

I have recently added some kewl blogs to my "Must reads' section so be sure to check them out!

Oe I am so excited: I am going camping on Monday - Wednesday. I love camping and being in nature, Can't wait to get out there and get crunked by a fireplace. Imma bake a bread over the fire. Yay!!!!

Please remember that I made a formspring so feel free to ask me any questions. Bleh I only have four so it is kinda embarrassing haha!

I recently discovered my annual hottest dude list for 2009 in my sent items so I thought that I would publish that as tomorrow's post. So be sure to check in!!!!

P.S Welcome Jack and Chrissie!

Love sex and magic

xXx

Some reflections on: (my) coming out

So as most of u read by now I came out to my mom. Im kinda out to my dad in the sense that my mom said she is going to tell him soon and he will accept it and treat me like always. So I am not even stressed about it, cause I mean...there isn't much that can go wrong, is there?

This paragraph was edited in after I reread my post: It seems like I have some issues accepting the smoothness of my coming out. I was so prepared to defend myself and fight for my own. And now I am standing on a battlefield facing my family. I have a sword and they have open arms. I am feeling guilty, I think... What twisted irony...I am sure I am not the only one that has experienced this after coming out?

BACK TO ORIGINAL POST:

Mmm so how do I feel? I am not really elated. I am relieved though....

(OMG GUNSHOTS JUST WENT OFF OUTSIDE MY HOUSE HOW SCARY EECK >,<)

NWAY, as I said I am relieved. I feel like I liberated myself and I can breath easier, sleep deeper and so forth. It is like it should be.

PLEASE DON"T MISUNDERSTAND!!! I am not being blazé over my amazing family and their easy-to-gain acceptance.

I am very fortunate and lucky

AND LOVED!

It's like a reporter in my country once said, should people feel lucky to be alive after a murder attempt or be angry cause there was an attack in the first place?

I guess beggars can't be choosers?

I mean geez if my family rejected me I would not have been very fond of them anymore. I mean fuck: why would I be the bad guy if they are the ones creating injustice?

I am so glad they are sooo amazing, cause if they where biased and judgemental it would have been like a cancer that spread through them and they would have died to me with time...

We must continue on our path to liberate ourselves in society.

I want to thank all of the bloggers for their immense support, comments, emails etc. It was really helpful and much appreciated. You guys really rock!!!!

I hope u will keep following me on my journey as an out and about young bi man on his way to conquering the world!

Peace love and pink flag!

P.S Welcome to my new followers: Tommy and Wayner. (I have an additional two, but I am not sure who they are. If you know who u are lol just leave a shout out in the comment section for me.)

P.S.S There is no weirdness whatsoever between me and mom. It is like it never happened!

xXx

Joshua

Cue Diana Ross: The coming out post

I DID IT!

I AM OFFICIALLY OUT TO MY MOM!

It didn't work out as planned. When i woke there were builders in her bedroom and she had taken her lunch earlier today. For like the first time in history. So I was like "fuck thou gravity" in my head of course. So I was soaking wet - had just showered and washed my hair. So I took her to my room. Said "please sit". I gave her the letter. Told her "please read" . Then I went out of the room and said "ah please it is not a big deal I am gonna go dry my hair, I will be back". So I gave it like three minutes and afterwards I knocked on my door and asked "can I come in?" She said "yes". So I went in and asked "and?" She said "I don't have a problem with it" And then she just confirmed that she thought it for the last 3-4 years cause of a event that happened in my past. And she thinks I am in love with my best guy friend.I told her "that was in the past". So I asked her if she is disappointed and she said "no, I understand that u are born that way and it is your choice." So I told her it is not a choice and so on. "Please just don't commit suicide" she said. And I was like "dude I told u in the letter I am happy. Now what are we having for dinner". "we are going to a braai. BTW I first wanna speak to you again before speaking to ur father. He will accept it though. I am most worried about your brother"

Haha fuck my brother.

BIG FAT SMILE ON MY CHEEKY LITTLE FACE!

Coming out: Part two

Okay so don't be upset with me.

I didn't do it...yet.

I went to my mom's room during her lunch break. The letter in my pocket. So I layed down next to her on the bed and looked at her as she was pageing throught the newspaper, blissfully unaware of my intent. I put a blacket over me cause it was so cold and so I closed my eyes and just took everything in. The smell of her perfume which she had just applied. A mother's scent. And then...

I fell asleep.

FML! Lol!

When I woke she had gone back to work.

So I kinda freaked out. Such a paradox waking up in such peace and then a few seconds later to be frozen cold with the realization of what I must still face.

So I chickened out in a way.

I plucked up the courage to show my cousin the letter and she was laughing at it the entire time Not in a mean way. But I kinda have a way of being humourous without trying. So bleh thats my style. She knows abouot me for a few months now already and is very kewl about it.

So I aksed her if I should give the letter. And she said yes. I asked her have my parents ever said anything indicating a sense of suspicion. She said yes. They have spoken about it for years. At first apparently they thought I was gay, but lately they have been stressing about me maybe brining a black girl home. Now know they arn't rasict, but in SA the culture thing would be very diffucult. If I like marry a Xhosa girl I would have to pay lebola and go through cultural rituals and stuff like that.

So in the end I am not bringing home someone of a different culture and neither am I gay. Lol so their two worst fears like kinda isn't becoming a reality. So me saying I'm bi is like a bit more easy for them to digest eventually. Or at least this is what I am thinking. Yes? (Hahah Wayner I know what u are gonna say! ;-))

And what is kewlest about this all is that my mom has apparently said in the past that if I eventually do come out she would still love me as always and so forth. So thats very nice to hear. I won't be disowned and I won't be put out of the house or be cut of financially. That kinda makes it A HELLUVA LOT EASIER on me as u might imagine.

So what is making me a bit bummed is that they have left the responsibility in my hands. Why must I come out to them? Why couldn't they just have asked me? I would not have lied. FML. I guess it is my burden to carry for now.

So I have decided to give the letter to my mom tomorrow in her lunch break and just say: "Hey, just read this. Don't worry it is not as bad as u thought. Lol. And please don't make a big deal of this. Cause it isn't really a big deal to me. I will be in my room if u need anything"

And that will be me coming out. I have tasked her in the letter to like tell my dad in her own way if she deems it fit. So I don't have to worry about it. Yay. I would not be able to face him. In my family dynamic this is the best way.

SO yeah this will prolly be one of the last posts that I make as a closeted 20 year old. (OMG I'm 20 FML!)

Wish me luck!

P.S. Thank you all so much for all the posts of support and the emails. It means a lot to me and it really is making things a lot less difficult, cause I know there are people out there that is on my side.

Peace, love and pink flags

xXx