I hate that smell!!!

Hospitals.

Gawd! i hate that smell! I hate it! I was in hospital sooo much as a little boy and had so much operations in my life that I cannot stand the smell of a hospital. I have associated it with me being pushed down by a few people while they are fighting to get the gas mask on my face to administer the anaesthetics. So every time I walk in there I get really anxious. It is terrible.

Nway the reason for my visit: My dad!

They came home like after midnight last night. When he undressed his legs were swollen bad and like inflamed really bad. It looked like burn wounds. So we rushed him to the ER. Sat there waiting for him for 5 hours before the doctors said thy are keeping him there for 48 hours. He will be okay though. I think.

While I was sitting there I has an weirdly interesting time To see people being rushed in. All the different and implausible realistic cases streaming in one after the other. One that really affected me was this case where a 19 year old boy went home at o1hoo and he hit a tree. His mother was sitting there poker face. Her other 16 year old son was killed 6months prior to this. Also in a car accident. So the older brother's heart stopped and they had to resuscitate him. I found out today that we woke up today and all he did was grab his mom's hand.

Fuck, it is sooo beautiful. Love. Man. What a miracle. l

Life is sooo short, eh?

Bleh! On a lighter note. I have been a very very stupid boy this weekend. I have not done enough work. So now I have immense pressure on me yet again. But, I had to take the day off to visit my dad, it is mother's day and one of my best gf's bday. So I mean I choose family and friends over work. there is no changing this.

I am doing a photo shoot tomorrow. I am quite excited, but fuck now I have a little zit on my mouth. Bleh! Photoshop for them! Hahah! Why thank you Murphy! Thu art a heartless bitch.

One of my friends that au paired for a year in USA is coming back on Tuesday. So will be nice to see her again.

A lot of the younger bloggers are about to start with exams. So I just wanna say: GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

The Hope Factor

Mission: Deconfusing the followers

Oke so I admit that I only let u guys get the bare minimal facts about what happened.

But firstly, I miss Habibi!!!

Nway, don't mind that if u don't catch it.

Okay, so nothing majours happened yesterday. Something significant did however occur. It was a pebble in my pond and I am dealing with the ripples.

I was not a fool to believe in what I did. There was always the hope factor. I was not led on explicitly, yet sometimes I actually was. But in this tale there lies much more subtle hints and flirtation...binging on my deepest desires...

Guys 6 years is a long time and as most of u will know that much effort can not be sustained without any form of "gratification".

That being said. I gave my all. I did more then most people will ever give. I have been weighed, I have been measured and I have been found wanting or whateva...

At least apparently I was considered, which means that I did do enough in order to be satisfied in my attempy and have no regrets in never having it progress any further.

Truth is he grew out of it. I never did.

But now as I stand here today and look back I can already see the cracks and the flaws and truth be told: There was/is too much between us.

I did not give up. I really didn't. I have gone a far a humanly possible.But no longer. I have to maintain a sense of self respect. I have offered my self to the extreme. I have exploited my soul. This in itself is so unhealthy. I knew this. But as I said...the hope factor...

I had a discussion yesterday. The question was raised: What is the reason behind it all? I answered: The reason lies intertwined between the future we decide upon and the past we choose to define.

I am going to be proud of myself for standing up for what i believe in. Yes I did thing I am not proud of. But and how ironic that he taught me this:

Life is too short to live blind folded with regret.

The part that freaks me most is that I am so accepting of all this. I think I have been preparing myself for over a year.

I do not accept defeat. I will only be defeated if I stay on like this any longer.

Today I am a new man.

Bleh, a young man. And I have new goals in sight.

Watch this space!

Love and peace,

xXx