Gonna get dressed. Pun intended?

Hey all you amazing people!!!

So yesterday I had such a nice day! I slept in late and then met up with a gf at the mall to do some serious shopping!!!

Once again I have to note that I was being totally stupid about the good reaction I got when coming out. I think it was just aftershock. I am now completely over it. I reread some of the horror coming out stories and I just kinda realised even more how extremely fortunate I am. I mean others come out and they are disowned and here I am and my parents give me money a week after I come out to go buy myself pink shirts lol!

Anyway so I don't really do marathon shopping. When I see something nice I would buy it, but I needed to get new clothes to fit my new life! So I ended up with 5 nice t-shirts, 4 long-sleeve shirts, a kewl hoody and a pair of jeans. I think I need some more jeans, but we were so tired Ill go do that at another time!

I love having new clothes. it makes me feel confident and sexy! A very good combination. I like looking nice and being trendy!

Ahhhh wait even better news. My hair stylist (that's what he calls himself) left some time ago to go work in another city. This was like three months ago. So I have never been to anyone else cause I was depressed and scared about going to a new hair dresser lol! I am very fussy about my hair. Anyway I learnt yesterday that he came back! He wasn't happy with the long commute. So YAY ME! I am gonna try and make an appointment for 2morrow!

Here comes the pun part: I was on my way home after shopping and cocktails. So mom asked me to go to KFC to get food for my grandma and grandpa who lives in a flat with us. So I go though the KFC drive through and the woman is like "What would u like MA'AM?" WFT WFT WFT WFT WFT WFT! This is the 3rd time in my life this has happened! To add insult to injury she added: "Have a nice day, Ma'am!" OMG I was soooo upset for like 5minutes. But then I just realizes it shouldn't affect me this much. I mean I really do not look like a woman. I really don't and I am not insecure about this. I just do not get what they are on about!

Nway got home though on some of the new clothes to go to dinner. Was feeling great! Had a lovely dinner with the rents and then when I came home I caught the BCC Comedy Fest on. LEE EVANS IS A COMEDY GOD!!!!!!

Oooohhh, before I go - I have a dress up pardy soon. We have to like dress up as a animation character/Disney character. I am thinking of like maybe going as Peter Pan? What do u guys think? Any other suggestions?

That's all for now folks.

Peace, love and laughter,

P.S. Welcome Bi-Alan

xXx

The new life dawns

Okay okay yeah I am still on about the coming out thingy.

I am still in shock that it went so good. And the I feel guilty for ever doubting my family. Meh I think it is just weird for me to like be on the phone today and tell a boy I think that guy is cute or that guy isn't and not have to care who hears or speak in hushed tones. FML it is amazing. It is so nice and relaxed. No more paranoia.

I decided I will not like make my orientation know to the extensive public. If someone asks I will tell them, but I do not want my orientation to become the most interesting part of me. Ya know? Cause it really isn't...

I have recently added some kewl blogs to my "Must reads' section so be sure to check them out!

Oe I am so excited: I am going camping on Monday - Wednesday. I love camping and being in nature, Can't wait to get out there and get crunked by a fireplace. Imma bake a bread over the fire. Yay!!!!

Please remember that I made a formspring so feel free to ask me any questions. Bleh I only have four so it is kinda embarrassing haha!

I recently discovered my annual hottest dude list for 2009 in my sent items so I thought that I would publish that as tomorrow's post. So be sure to check in!!!!

P.S Welcome Jack and Chrissie!

Love sex and magic

xXx

Some reflections on: (my) coming out

So as most of u read by now I came out to my mom. Im kinda out to my dad in the sense that my mom said she is going to tell him soon and he will accept it and treat me like always. So I am not even stressed about it, cause I mean...there isn't much that can go wrong, is there?

This paragraph was edited in after I reread my post: It seems like I have some issues accepting the smoothness of my coming out. I was so prepared to defend myself and fight for my own. And now I am standing on a battlefield facing my family. I have a sword and they have open arms. I am feeling guilty, I think... What twisted irony...I am sure I am not the only one that has experienced this after coming out?

BACK TO ORIGINAL POST:

Mmm so how do I feel? I am not really elated. I am relieved though....

(OMG GUNSHOTS JUST WENT OFF OUTSIDE MY HOUSE HOW SCARY EECK >,<)

NWAY, as I said I am relieved. I feel like I liberated myself and I can breath easier, sleep deeper and so forth. It is like it should be.

PLEASE DON"T MISUNDERSTAND!!! I am not being blazé over my amazing family and their easy-to-gain acceptance.

I am very fortunate and lucky

AND LOVED!

It's like a reporter in my country once said, should people feel lucky to be alive after a murder attempt or be angry cause there was an attack in the first place?

I guess beggars can't be choosers?

I mean geez if my family rejected me I would not have been very fond of them anymore. I mean fuck: why would I be the bad guy if they are the ones creating injustice?

I am so glad they are sooo amazing, cause if they where biased and judgemental it would have been like a cancer that spread through them and they would have died to me with time...

We must continue on our path to liberate ourselves in society.

I want to thank all of the bloggers for their immense support, comments, emails etc. It was really helpful and much appreciated. You guys really rock!!!!

I hope u will keep following me on my journey as an out and about young bi man on his way to conquering the world!

Peace love and pink flag!

P.S Welcome to my new followers: Tommy and Wayner. (I have an additional two, but I am not sure who they are. If you know who u are lol just leave a shout out in the comment section for me.)

P.S.S There is no weirdness whatsoever between me and mom. It is like it never happened!

xXx

Joshua

Cue Diana Ross: The coming out post

I DID IT!

I AM OFFICIALLY OUT TO MY MOM!

It didn't work out as planned. When i woke there were builders in her bedroom and she had taken her lunch earlier today. For like the first time in history. So I was like "fuck thou gravity" in my head of course. So I was soaking wet - had just showered and washed my hair. So I took her to my room. Said "please sit". I gave her the letter. Told her "please read" . Then I went out of the room and said "ah please it is not a big deal I am gonna go dry my hair, I will be back". So I gave it like three minutes and afterwards I knocked on my door and asked "can I come in?" She said "yes". So I went in and asked "and?" She said "I don't have a problem with it" And then she just confirmed that she thought it for the last 3-4 years cause of a event that happened in my past. And she thinks I am in love with my best guy friend.I told her "that was in the past". So I asked her if she is disappointed and she said "no, I understand that u are born that way and it is your choice." So I told her it is not a choice and so on. "Please just don't commit suicide" she said. And I was like "dude I told u in the letter I am happy. Now what are we having for dinner". "we are going to a braai. BTW I first wanna speak to you again before speaking to ur father. He will accept it though. I am most worried about your brother"

Haha fuck my brother.

BIG FAT SMILE ON MY CHEEKY LITTLE FACE!

Coming out: Part two

Okay so don't be upset with me.

I didn't do it...yet.

I went to my mom's room during her lunch break. The letter in my pocket. So I layed down next to her on the bed and looked at her as she was pageing throught the newspaper, blissfully unaware of my intent. I put a blacket over me cause it was so cold and so I closed my eyes and just took everything in. The smell of her perfume which she had just applied. A mother's scent. And then...

I fell asleep.

FML! Lol!

When I woke she had gone back to work.

So I kinda freaked out. Such a paradox waking up in such peace and then a few seconds later to be frozen cold with the realization of what I must still face.

So I chickened out in a way.

I plucked up the courage to show my cousin the letter and she was laughing at it the entire time Not in a mean way. But I kinda have a way of being humourous without trying. So bleh thats my style. She knows abouot me for a few months now already and is very kewl about it.

So I aksed her if I should give the letter. And she said yes. I asked her have my parents ever said anything indicating a sense of suspicion. She said yes. They have spoken about it for years. At first apparently they thought I was gay, but lately they have been stressing about me maybe brining a black girl home. Now know they arn't rasict, but in SA the culture thing would be very diffucult. If I like marry a Xhosa girl I would have to pay lebola and go through cultural rituals and stuff like that.

So in the end I am not bringing home someone of a different culture and neither am I gay. Lol so their two worst fears like kinda isn't becoming a reality. So me saying I'm bi is like a bit more easy for them to digest eventually. Or at least this is what I am thinking. Yes? (Hahah Wayner I know what u are gonna say! ;-))

And what is kewlest about this all is that my mom has apparently said in the past that if I eventually do come out she would still love me as always and so forth. So thats very nice to hear. I won't be disowned and I won't be put out of the house or be cut of financially. That kinda makes it A HELLUVA LOT EASIER on me as u might imagine.

So what is making me a bit bummed is that they have left the responsibility in my hands. Why must I come out to them? Why couldn't they just have asked me? I would not have lied. FML. I guess it is my burden to carry for now.

So I have decided to give the letter to my mom tomorrow in her lunch break and just say: "Hey, just read this. Don't worry it is not as bad as u thought. Lol. And please don't make a big deal of this. Cause it isn't really a big deal to me. I will be in my room if u need anything"

And that will be me coming out. I have tasked her in the letter to like tell my dad in her own way if she deems it fit. So I don't have to worry about it. Yay. I would not be able to face him. In my family dynamic this is the best way.

SO yeah this will prolly be one of the last posts that I make as a closeted 20 year old. (OMG I'm 20 FML!)

Wish me luck!

P.S. Thank you all so much for all the posts of support and the emails. It means a lot to me and it really is making things a lot less difficult, cause I know there are people out there that is on my side.

Peace, love and pink flags

xXx

709 COMING OUT

Short and sweet.

Thats how the long the letter is to my mommy.

Fuck me.

Fuck her life hihi

Maybe by the time u read this I have given it to her.

Maybe I have chickened out.

I am a wreck as u would imagine. But fuck it I am nothing special so don't' worry.

Have a nice day.

Mwah

Peace and love.

xXX

Ready, steady, FAIL

As u guys know I am still not out to my parents.

After this weekend and all that went with it I decided yesterday to write a letter to them. I have chosen this as my method of coming out. I will address one letter to both of them.

May seem silly for two reason:

I have not written the letter. I have only committed to it. This is a big step for me. In the past I would just not think about it. Yeah sure I would think about it, but not with the intention of following through as this time.

The second reason this may seem silly is because I have chosen a letter. Some may think this cowardly. I have taken this into consideration, but I have come to the conclusion that it would be in fact the best method/medium.

Here are my reasons:

1) I want to let them know all my thoughts and feelings - I am scared that I would forget something out. One only gets this one oppertunity to do it right.
2) I will have one of the following two reactions if a conversation would take place: I would be tactless, too forceful or I would cry so much that i would appear weak. The second one I will not allow. I do not want to seem millitant when I they hear the news. I want them to see that I am their loving son.
3) I am planning to go away for a weekend and leaving the letter to them. This will give all parties the oppertunity to clear their minds and gather their thoughts, before we speak about it in person. Also, in the event that I am disowned it would be less awkward as I could just not come back. (Yeah I am packing my Mac lolz)
3) I am good with words as a method of justification and clarification. I will make them understand.

Now what i want to know is how foolish, insensitive and selfish am I being?
I mean fuck I the one living in fear here not them...

Come to think of it if one makes the step to come it u activly make a conscious decision that u are willing to loose ur family.

As hard as this is I see no other way. I have to be true to myself.

Nway so I have a off day today and had to do so much work, but I got obsessed witth the letter. This morning I had to go to the bank and then drop my dad at work cause my car went in for a service and my mom wants a car at home all the time. When we walked into the bank he nudged me and said: "Did u check that queer?" It was obviously said in a negative tone of voice.

So once again my inspiration to write the letter has vanished. BTW I have thought about reading the letter out loud to them. But in an attempt not to cry I will be blocking out any emotion. It will not work. I do not want to be cold.

FML..wait...not so much I am such a happy person who is blessed and I am extremly grateful for everything in my life.

I feel the beauty around me and I sing

Peace and love,

xXx

Third time lucky?!

Guess who has been a naughty boy...

So I had the most amazingly lekker weekend! It was so much fun and now I have so much work to do until next Friday that I am gonna declare an official code red status in my life.

Bleh!

Actually, WAIT! I don't mind - I LOVE WHAT I DO SO MUCH!!!! It is not work. It is creating art. Wow! I am such a lucky boy. I do what I love.

Nway back to naughty boy Joshy. I had the flat warming on Friday, remember?! Well let us just say we kinda robbed a liquor store. (Legal drinking age in SA = 18) Between the 7 of us we had:

5 liters of punch
3 bottles vodka
2 bottles champagne/sparkling wine
1 bottle wine
A few beers after we decided to go to a club...

Sounds like new years, right?! Well it basically was for me...haha! By ten the security had called and gave us a warning for making too much noise. This was after a girl broke down the bathroom door ahahah! So random. She is so petite we didn't think it possible. This same girl later the evening rolled down a hill for about a minute. We were laughing so hard we just let her roll to the end of it. It was priceless!

Got quite a surprise when a police van pulled up next to us. But soon we heard they are just scouting the area for some fucking drug dealers or whatever. Yay SA! Lolz!

Nway, the best part of the night had to be my new fav pardy trick! Before we left for the club someone appointed me as "Vodka boy". This entailed me walking around and pouring ludicrous amounts of vodka down willing people's throat. I was like "And what do I get out of it?" The answer: "A kiss"... So then I got the idea: Every person that takes a sip has to kiss me.

So this one girl took a sip. We kiss. The next one lined up. We kiss. Then the third one was a boy. I was LIKE FUCK YEAH!!!! I gave him vodka. I Look at him. He smiled. I went in for the kill. Lol! It was honestly kinda hot and not as slutty as it sounds. Meh, all in good fun though!

Haha the same girl that did all those stupidly funny thing during the night apparently thought this too much for her so while I was on top of the boy she came running towards me screaming: "No no no lol don't don't...ur bi ur bi!" At this point the entire room broke into wild laughter haha shame she is so sweet. She isn't a homophobe though I think she was just shocked cause she didn't know about me and she was one of the girls that I had kissed.

OoOoOO, btw I was the boy's first guy action ever. Yay me - I broke in a boy! Gosh, he was lank hot! Grrrrr!

Fuckz what a great night!

On Saturday they all came to my town and we went out again, but we all got tired and went home early. Was still fun. One of my (str8) guy friends slept over and it was all fun! Then today I had to visit all my other friends cause I won't be seeing them soon. So it took me 5 trips to go round everyone. I feel blessed to even say that. I have so much friends. I love them.

Life is good.

Peace and love,

xXx

I'm sick of it

Nero Linguistic Programming

Bleh! Yesterday at uni we had this lecturer for a 2 hour session. This totally fucked me up good. After the lesson I had to drive home for 2 hours in traffic and the combo of this just made me physically sick. I was really down in the dumps...

After using the technique named above the lecturer started this program with us that challenged us to define our life goal. OMG!!! He crushed about half of our "confused undefined goals and dreams" and psycho-analyzed a lot of us in front of everyone. I'm am prolly being a bit sensitive, but I think this is quite inappropriate.

If u are wonderng why his "effect" on me "affected" me so much...drum roll please:

My goal: To one day die with a heart full of love and appreciation.

Seriously, that is my ultimate life goal.

How can ur life goal be to die?

On my way home I gave a girl a lift home and for the two hours we spoke about the session and this shifted to our religious believes and my sexuality and when I got home I had to take some paracetamol pills to stop my body from tripping out.

I was nauseous, sore, had headache cold fever, upset stomach etc... Why was this happening?

I know why...it is because I feel I am living a lie. And eventhoug my life goal is somewhat absurd to most it is what I want. And I will not achieve it as long as I being dishonest to people about my sexuality.

My greatest obstacle in life at the moment is myself.

Guys, the thing is my parents won't disown me or throw me out of the house...
I just kinda feel it. They would still love me. They would acknowledge it, even though they may never accept it. I am content with this.

I am truly comfortable with my sexuality. I know who I am and what I like and what I don't like.

So why don't I tell them...

Because:

I just can't stand the idea of crushing them. They will be so confused, sad, angry, scared and all at the same time.

And I one of the main things would be the "embarrassment" they would have to suffer at the hand of some of their friends and colleagues. I know they will defend me if the need be, but I don't want to create this issue for them. It is not their battle to fight.

Anyway, so when I got home I was ready to just go into a state of depro, but I couldn't cause I invited about 14 people to our home to meet my German friends. So I had to be a good host and run the show.

I didn't know how I would be able to get through the night, but then something amazing happened...

My family came together in the most amazing way. The atmosphere was warm, loving and cosy and we had a great night! I think the Germans was really intrigued by the whole evening. I even found the guy just staring at what was going on most of the time. I found myself doing the same.

And at that moment all the stress just floated out of my body...and I felt loved...

I love my family...wow did I just say this? This would be the first time in my 19, almost 20 years of living that I said this...

So after they all went home I was just so tired and calm that I fell asleep almost immediately. I decided to stay home for today and tomorrow and just gather myself and relax for a bit. So maybe tonight I am joining the Germans for dinner at my fav restaurant in the world.

Life really does seem awesome.

I really do think I have one of the best lives one could ever whish for.
I am that guy.

I just need to get out and be honest, before I am become the architect of my own disaster...

for those of you that is intrigued by NLP here is a link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

Peace and love,

xXx

Short and sweet

So, me again hehe

Tonight my beloved dad watched a tv dating show. Now tonight had a bit of a twist. It was guys on the show. He called my cousin and said "hey come look it's faggots"

Crash and burn. Every time I am near coming out something like this happens.

But I keep thinking, maybe this is said out of ignorance. I mean our parents (especially in my country) grew up with very screwed ideas of homosexuals. I bet they don't even know what bisexuality is...yay for me!!!

Maybe if u just stand by what I believe and come out all will get better. I can't actually believe that I am the one stressing bout coming out and being "bad". I am not the wrong one here in this situation. He is - for being such a damn bigot.

Guys, let's make this our year. We must try to come out in droves HAHA!
i'm a bit amped after watching Milk...

Strength in numbers.

Peace and love,

xXx

My life in blog

So many ways to go. So many things to think about.
This will prolly end up as a long post.

P.S. This did end up being a very long post!!!!

So, my brother and his inevitable fiance is leaving SA tomorrow to go work abroad. They will be gone for 4 months or even 11 months. I don't know what to make of this. Me and my brother never did have a very strong relationship. In fact, he was criticizing my mother for buying fortune cookies when we ate Chinese the other day. "Do not meddle with this stuff." I mean, ffs, it's a cookie. THAT is how conservative and closed minded he is. He will probably be one of the very few people in my immediate social network that will reject me WHEN I come out to him.

BTW, I'm out to 20 people. Not one bad reaction. I think I am very fortunate thus far... So full steam ahead!

What kinda bothered me is that my mother said she saw my brother wiping away tears. OMG! How weird. My brother is a very manly man. I feel bad. I feel bad for him. But I fell more ashamed of myself... Even though he is a bigot, he is still my brother. I do not know why I find it so extremely hard to connect to my family and not to my friends. I am VERY VERY close with my friends, but even with my mother who is the kewlest person in the world I can hardy ever say I love you to her. But yeah I think I know why. It's because I'm not out to them. I am not honest. And therefore I withhold myself. What a fucking shame.

See my mom confuses me. One day I think she would be kewl if i come out. She would say stuff like "u only like that boy on American idol, cause he's got a baby face". Or i.e. one day she must have caught me staring at this boy that I'm in love with, cause she said "Ur gonna get hurt. He is not looking at u in the right way." I know right, how good does she know me?! But yeah, then other times she would be like no God doesn't really want it and all. This happens when I like watch Ellen. And I get crushed. Speaking bout mixed signals.

And then I think again. And this brings she to something she told me today. "I love my children way too much for my own good". Does she? Does she? Would she still feel that way if, not if, when I come out. One of my friends said that the fact that she loves me so much can count in my favour...or against me...bleh! I don't know.

I just wish I could connect myself to a lie detector and ask myself a lot of questions. Like why do I feel bad because I'm opposes to baptising a child. I'm attending one tomorrow. I mean give the child a chance to make her/his own conclusions...so yeah. I have my own take on religion/spirituality. I won't go into that now. I have to much left to say. Do I actually believe in a god...I think I do. I mean on my own terms. I much more spiritual. A poet once said. man cannot do without religion. Nor can he do with it as it is. This rings very true to me.

Nway, Next.

I'm a metrosexual, sensitive guy that is into arts. But I don't wanna come across as fem. I mean no offence but it's is just not for me. But maybe that is who I am and that is why I am scratching my head over this. Just because I also like boys, doesn't have to have me loose my masculinity in my sexuality. But yet..every time I see a guy I kinda find attractive, I find myself feeling more fem. Someone please do explain this to me. Maybe guy gays know bout this.

I wanna take time out to thank someone who played a very important part in my life. Joey from Bi in High School. We have not known each other for long, but u have done more good then u would ever know. If it were not for u I would not of started to blog. And from judging above I kinda need it. So thank you for saving me from myself.
I will miss ur blog and I will miss u. I will be awaiting ur return eagerly. Mwah!!!!

And in other news. Congrats Carwin on ur 200th post. I follow u very feverishly. U are a great guy! Keep it up!

Always hard's Josh! It is MY NEW YEARS WISH THAT U JUST GRAB UR ALEX AND KISS HIM TO DEATH. HE WANTS U SO BAD BOY!!!!

Also a special mention to Tyler form "The thoughts of a boy in high school" U were the first blog I followed. I think u are great.

Still haven't seen avatar - sold out all 3 times I went. which is highly peculiar for my country.

All in all I think I have a new addiction. I am starting to see my life as a blog post. Is this a normal experience at first?

Love and peace,

xXx