Crossroad

And there I was thinking the roadblocks of puberty have been crossed.

BTW as I am typing this I have Miley Cyrus' "When I look at you" playing on repeat. I think it is an amazing song.

Nway -

University has kept me from u guys. It is godly insane what s expected of us. I have such deep rooted issues with the manner in which the institution I attend is run, that I sometimes find myself hating my life for brief time - cause I made the choice to attend it. I love what I do. I just don't prefer the medium in which I gain access to it. But they are unfortunately the best. What a stupid situation.

Pressure for future. I do not know if I should study honours or not. I have an insane student loan already. But I have to complete my honours at this institution if I ever wanna do a masters degree at another institution. Some silly red tape thing. Or I can go do honours in something else like maybe journalism.

This is kinda a big choice cause it will effect what I want to do with my life. Do I wanna continue pursuing what I do now? Or do I wanna branch out. Branching out seems the smart thing to do. But it could also backfire.

I also wanna invest in a camera for myself to like kinda make money on the side. But that will cost at least a $1000 which I don't really have laying around. Spend money to make money eh?

I dunno man. Questions are spinning in my head. A vortex. I keep analysing everything and at the end of the day I just realise that nothing matters cause we will all die one day and we are running after the wind. I am not nihilistic or anything but I am just trying to figure out what my priorities are. Cause lately I have screwed up.

My (ex?) bf ?!

I don't even know what to say to that. When I fuck up I do it really bad. Basically I did something that still makes logical sense. But emotionally I kinda fucked with myself. And the other person. But with good intention. I think in the long run it makes sense still. But then I started remembering what I believe in. I believe in the now. And thus I failed myself. I betrayed my core believes. i have spoken to my boy and he understand why I did it though. I don't deserve that of him. He is so amazing. He is soooo amazing. He makes me proud almost every day.

I love u.

To top it all of. My dad is in the ICU for the past weekend. And they don't know when he will be able to come home. The human heart. Fragile in both physicality and metaphor...

I need a holiday. I need to get away and I need to be in nature. My break is almost starting and I look forward to just feel. To be and to feel and to reconnect with what matters.

Tis all for now.

Peace and love,h
xXx

I hate that smell!!!

Hospitals.

Gawd! i hate that smell! I hate it! I was in hospital sooo much as a little boy and had so much operations in my life that I cannot stand the smell of a hospital. I have associated it with me being pushed down by a few people while they are fighting to get the gas mask on my face to administer the anaesthetics. So every time I walk in there I get really anxious. It is terrible.

Nway the reason for my visit: My dad!

They came home like after midnight last night. When he undressed his legs were swollen bad and like inflamed really bad. It looked like burn wounds. So we rushed him to the ER. Sat there waiting for him for 5 hours before the doctors said thy are keeping him there for 48 hours. He will be okay though. I think.

While I was sitting there I has an weirdly interesting time To see people being rushed in. All the different and implausible realistic cases streaming in one after the other. One that really affected me was this case where a 19 year old boy went home at o1hoo and he hit a tree. His mother was sitting there poker face. Her other 16 year old son was killed 6months prior to this. Also in a car accident. So the older brother's heart stopped and they had to resuscitate him. I found out today that we woke up today and all he did was grab his mom's hand.

Fuck, it is sooo beautiful. Love. Man. What a miracle. l

Life is sooo short, eh?

Bleh! On a lighter note. I have been a very very stupid boy this weekend. I have not done enough work. So now I have immense pressure on me yet again. But, I had to take the day off to visit my dad, it is mother's day and one of my best gf's bday. So I mean I choose family and friends over work. there is no changing this.

I am doing a photo shoot tomorrow. I am quite excited, but fuck now I have a little zit on my mouth. Bleh! Photoshop for them! Hahah! Why thank you Murphy! Thu art a heartless bitch.

One of my friends that au paired for a year in USA is coming back on Tuesday. So will be nice to see her again.

A lot of the younger bloggers are about to start with exams. So I just wanna say: GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!