Waiting for Godot

So Im up still. It is 5:10am as i am typing this sentence.

Slept like three hours and then I woke up. I didn't manage to get that much sleep in this year cause of work so I think my body has adjusted to shorter sleeping patterns. Meh, I'll prolly take a nice afternoon nap later. >.<

So my bother is back. He will be here for like three months. But I think it should be fine. He is a lot better than in the future. He even liked some of my projects that I did this year. Didn't think that this day would ever come lol!

I'm working on some side project that are keeping me kinda busy, but I am learning a lot so Imma do it with a smile. I have started working hard on my work for next year. The other people are all chilling over the holiday - and I will to, but in moderation. I really want to be prepared when I walk in next year. There will be no time, so I'd rather get some shit out of the way.

So it is almost Xmas. I haven't been in the Xmas mood for the past two years. I hope it changes this time. I am not religious anymore, but I just love Xmas cause it is a time of community and love. And I think that is pretty amazing!

I have decided that I will prolly do a honours degree as to complete a undergrad degree. But I really want to go to two or if I can three European countries first. I will have a 9 week break so that would be a fine time to do that, I need to. As an artist I need to experience life. And I have IRL friends in two of the countries that I want to see. Especially one person in specific. Imma try my best to make it work. Imma speak to my mother tomorrow. She promised me if I have my first degree she will fund a trip for me. Lol, I'll have to try and make some money myself, but she will have to be my primary benefactor. I have never been granted the opportunity, nay privilege, to travel and it is kinda a defining life goals.

The prospect of getting a stamp in my passport exceeds most forms of excitement I have ever felt.

Here is to making dreams reality.

Peace and love

xXx

P.S. Almost to post 100!!!

Crossroad

And there I was thinking the roadblocks of puberty have been crossed.

BTW as I am typing this I have Miley Cyrus' "When I look at you" playing on repeat. I think it is an amazing song.

Nway -

University has kept me from u guys. It is godly insane what s expected of us. I have such deep rooted issues with the manner in which the institution I attend is run, that I sometimes find myself hating my life for brief time - cause I made the choice to attend it. I love what I do. I just don't prefer the medium in which I gain access to it. But they are unfortunately the best. What a stupid situation.

Pressure for future. I do not know if I should study honours or not. I have an insane student loan already. But I have to complete my honours at this institution if I ever wanna do a masters degree at another institution. Some silly red tape thing. Or I can go do honours in something else like maybe journalism.

This is kinda a big choice cause it will effect what I want to do with my life. Do I wanna continue pursuing what I do now? Or do I wanna branch out. Branching out seems the smart thing to do. But it could also backfire.

I also wanna invest in a camera for myself to like kinda make money on the side. But that will cost at least a $1000 which I don't really have laying around. Spend money to make money eh?

I dunno man. Questions are spinning in my head. A vortex. I keep analysing everything and at the end of the day I just realise that nothing matters cause we will all die one day and we are running after the wind. I am not nihilistic or anything but I am just trying to figure out what my priorities are. Cause lately I have screwed up.

My (ex?) bf ?!

I don't even know what to say to that. When I fuck up I do it really bad. Basically I did something that still makes logical sense. But emotionally I kinda fucked with myself. And the other person. But with good intention. I think in the long run it makes sense still. But then I started remembering what I believe in. I believe in the now. And thus I failed myself. I betrayed my core believes. i have spoken to my boy and he understand why I did it though. I don't deserve that of him. He is so amazing. He is soooo amazing. He makes me proud almost every day.

I love u.

To top it all of. My dad is in the ICU for the past weekend. And they don't know when he will be able to come home. The human heart. Fragile in both physicality and metaphor...

I need a holiday. I need to get away and I need to be in nature. My break is almost starting and I look forward to just feel. To be and to feel and to reconnect with what matters.

Tis all for now.

Peace and love,h
xXx

FML post fail

Okay so I am sorry. I just can't do this posting regularly thing. It is too demanding and I am way too busy. i am aiming to do 10 posts a month. That seems fair.

So a lot has happened in two weeks. OMG So much! I have been busy a burning hell at uni. Incredible workload. Insane. Inhumane. And just so u know I am not lazy by any means. i was like top 5 academic achiever during my high school career. So I kinda get the working thing. I don't get how the lazy people cope.

I must say I am rather proud of myself. After my meltdown last term I have been doing a lot better. Sleep more, eating more regularly, drinking less and getting in a lot of water and vitamins. Yay me!!!!

Mom was worried bout me and the workload so when I got home a week back she redid my entire room. New carpets, New bedding, accessories for the room. It looks way much nicer. She said she wanted a nice aura for me to do the work in. So sweet. Such a darling!

Yay! We are getting a new HD 3D projector for our living room. I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED I CAN LIKE FUCK A GINGER!!! Okay wait that is offensive. Lol. Sorry. >.<

Had a party on Friday night and kinda bonded with some of my team mates. Twas epic fun. I was a bit drunk. Me and my gay gf went to gay club afterward to kinda let loose. Was yum!

Then on Saturday I joined my parents at a seaside lodge and we slept over. Had a yummy dinner and all so it was all good and well. Forgot my phone there though - so now i have to drive 45minutes to got get the damn thing. Bleh!

On Sunday i went to a very nice Cuban styled restaurant. OMG the waiter was epically hot! He seems brazilian with shoulder length str8tened hair. We flirted a lot. I even left a wink on the till slip. Silly me! Haha!

Well that is it for now. Imma catch up on some blogs.

Peace and love

xXx

Back

Im sorta hoping to be able to start posting on a more regular basis again.

Geez what a hectic hectic month. I have never ever worked so hard in my life ever! And I'm not really done yet in next week I have three consecutive exam totalling 78hours. Yes u read correctly. So that will be kinda crazy and kinda inhumane, but I'm a big boy and will make it.

My dad was released from hospital a few days after I made the last post. They didn't really know what caused it so that is kinda troublesome. He is better now, nut he isn't taking it easier.

Was to tired to watch the final of AI, will check reruns on TV tonight. Not really interested in who won, but rather Simon's farewell! Tear!

Went to watch a rugby match the other day and it was really nice. I REALLY love the atmosphere. It has to be on every persons 100 things to do before u die list.

Ah the dress up party was okayish. No majour fun. Food was nice. I did end up going a PP. Bleh! I looked kewl I think. Meh! Maybe if ur kewl enough I'll mail u a pick!

Geez this is shocking nearly three weeks without a post and i don't have much to say. Just shows how little time I had for leisure.

Oh, my brother is back from his overseas work for a month. And so is one of my gf's from USA. She is on 2month holiday. Not really too amped about the returns. Don't mind it, but there is no excitement.

Looking forward to the holidays. One week to go.

Congrats on all the boys who finished school this month! Welcome to the real world!

xXx

Peace and Love

I love it when it rains!

There is just something mesmerising about rain. It calms me. Sooo therapeutic. It is like nature's take on Enya >.<

So ironic that I was on a month long holiday begging for it to rain, and now since classes started again it is pouring! Maybe next time I should be more specific with the timing hihi

So first two days and I bet the first week of uni is much more chilled then I suspected it would be. Bleh will have to go in on Saturday though. This means the pressure will be more concentrated arrrrggghhh!!! *faints*

Oe, at least I have a parddyy to look forward to (Friday)! There will most likely be some gay guys. Bleh not that Imma be on the look though. Just nice to know ur not a soft target heheh!

One of my gf's and ur cute little brother will be coming to my house on Saturday to help me format my stupid PC and reinstall everything. The fucking piece of crap was such a waste of money - dud! I am currently on my Mac most of the time and I don't really wanna do that. Would rather use the pc for the crap things. Just do uni related work on here and surf the web, cause it is super faster than The pc. FFS!!!!! HATE MICROSOFT!!!!!

Going to go look for my outfit on Thursday - for the dress up. I'll report back on that as soon as I know!

OMG! Bleh! Shame! One of my gf's received a call in middle of class saying that her grandma just passed away. That must have been soOOooo bad. We had to sit through the lecture and all. I insisted that we skip the rest of the classes and that I take her to her family. I hope they are doing okay. *hopes*

Ah having a braai tomorrow night with the family! And if that finishes early enough I will be going out with 3 gf's to a nice small club that has majour special Wednesdays! So that will be fun I think!

Oh before i go: I just want to declare my love for the show Grey's Anatomy and Will&Grace!!!!!

Peace out fuckers!!!

xXx

HOTTEST HUNKS 2009

Ey so again today started at a slow pace and was very relaxed!

Gee I have such a wonderful life for which I am very thankful!

Got dressed and went out with one of my dearest gf's for cocktails and Mexican platters. It was really nice. She was speaking to me also of her issues with her bf. Meh I am starting to think they have no nope. Wud sux to see their relationship of so many years just...end.

Anyways just as we were about to leave I saw my parents entering the restaurant. HOW WEIRD?! Was very surprised to see them and vice verse. So my gf said it is fine if i wanna stay and so I did. Score another cocktail and some calamari. Twas nice....

Then I was suppose to go out to a club, but meh, didn't like the people that went so I decided to stay home wiff mom and dad and watch a music concert DVD. It was a very good SA production with high production value. I was quite impressed!

So now I am about to go to bed. Just wanted to keep ya guys up to speed.

Peace and love....

Nah okay I'm only kidding here follows my list of 2009's HOTTEST HUNKS!!!!

(Keep in mind 2009 - I wil release this year's version later on)

Top 25 - 2009

25 Dan Carter
24 Brad Pitt (YEAH GET OVER IT!!!)
23 Shane West
22 Paul Walker
21 Ryan Reynolds

20 Eric McCormack
19 Christiano Renaldo
18 Enrique Iglesias
17 Adam Lambert
16 Orlando Bloom

15 Jesse McCartney
12 Josh Duhamel
13 Leonardo DiCaprio
12 James Franco
11 Daniel Radcliffe

TOP TEN

10 Ashton Kutcher
9 Emile Hirsch
8 Robert Pattinson
7 Gael Garcia Bernal
6 Johnny Depp

THE TOP FIVE

5 DAVID BECKHAM

4 ZAC EFRON

3 KEVIN ZEGERS

2 JOE JONAS

AND THE WINNER IS!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

20

Two decades old...

Meh...I don't know what to make of it. I think I have a bit of a midlife crisis or something haha! Silly me!

So I have been a bit quite his month. Only three posts so far. This will prolly happen from time to time I guess.

On Friday I had a uni pardy and it was awesome I really did enjoy it very very much... I smoked as well. Fuck I wish I could stop myself when I get like that, but bleh, mom always says u have to die from something so...ahah

Had a lot of people over today for a braai and so forth. It was nice. Unfortunatly my dad was called out to work cause a machine caught fire and it started to burn down a field. He is a project manager and seeing that it is his project he obviously had to go. So I havn't seen him today.

My brother and his girl also called from overseas to congratulate me. Gosh it is always so awkward to have such conversations over the phone haha!

Gift wise it was not such a good year hehe. But meh I don't really mind cause it is much appreciated. All I mean is that if they took any time to ask me some shit over the past 20 years they would know that I am not that much of a chocolate eater lolz >>> I have a pile of chocolates strewn all over my room hah!

Nway bloggers, hope u all have a great day.

Peace! and Love!

xXx

I'm sick of it

Nero Linguistic Programming

Bleh! Yesterday at uni we had this lecturer for a 2 hour session. This totally fucked me up good. After the lesson I had to drive home for 2 hours in traffic and the combo of this just made me physically sick. I was really down in the dumps...

After using the technique named above the lecturer started this program with us that challenged us to define our life goal. OMG!!! He crushed about half of our "confused undefined goals and dreams" and psycho-analyzed a lot of us in front of everyone. I'm am prolly being a bit sensitive, but I think this is quite inappropriate.

If u are wonderng why his "effect" on me "affected" me so much...drum roll please:

My goal: To one day die with a heart full of love and appreciation.

Seriously, that is my ultimate life goal.

How can ur life goal be to die?

On my way home I gave a girl a lift home and for the two hours we spoke about the session and this shifted to our religious believes and my sexuality and when I got home I had to take some paracetamol pills to stop my body from tripping out.

I was nauseous, sore, had headache cold fever, upset stomach etc... Why was this happening?

I know why...it is because I feel I am living a lie. And eventhoug my life goal is somewhat absurd to most it is what I want. And I will not achieve it as long as I being dishonest to people about my sexuality.

My greatest obstacle in life at the moment is myself.

Guys, the thing is my parents won't disown me or throw me out of the house...
I just kinda feel it. They would still love me. They would acknowledge it, even though they may never accept it. I am content with this.

I am truly comfortable with my sexuality. I know who I am and what I like and what I don't like.

So why don't I tell them...

Because:

I just can't stand the idea of crushing them. They will be so confused, sad, angry, scared and all at the same time.

And I one of the main things would be the "embarrassment" they would have to suffer at the hand of some of their friends and colleagues. I know they will defend me if the need be, but I don't want to create this issue for them. It is not their battle to fight.

Anyway, so when I got home I was ready to just go into a state of depro, but I couldn't cause I invited about 14 people to our home to meet my German friends. So I had to be a good host and run the show.

I didn't know how I would be able to get through the night, but then something amazing happened...

My family came together in the most amazing way. The atmosphere was warm, loving and cosy and we had a great night! I think the Germans was really intrigued by the whole evening. I even found the guy just staring at what was going on most of the time. I found myself doing the same.

And at that moment all the stress just floated out of my body...and I felt loved...

I love my family...wow did I just say this? This would be the first time in my 19, almost 20 years of living that I said this...

So after they all went home I was just so tired and calm that I fell asleep almost immediately. I decided to stay home for today and tomorrow and just gather myself and relax for a bit. So maybe tonight I am joining the Germans for dinner at my fav restaurant in the world.

Life really does seem awesome.

I really do think I have one of the best lives one could ever whish for.
I am that guy.

I just need to get out and be honest, before I am become the architect of my own disaster...

for those of you that is intrigued by NLP here is a link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

Peace and love,

xXx

25 Down

I think it is time for me to start wrapping up on my 100 random facts posts. But geez I really am not that random it seams. I feel very vain doing this all about myself and so I thought I would give some info on my family...

51. My grandma is a psychopath really lol
52. My grandfather has been smoking for 61 years!!!
53. My mom and dad fight a lot, but wait there is more:
54. My mom and dad is so in love I can puke - holding hands, kissing: BLEH!
55. Two of my cousins stay with us. Basically siblings so to say.
56. My brother and I struggle to get along
57. My parents married when my mom was 19. She and my dad got together when she was 13 and he was 16. They are now 44 and 47. OMG!!!! LOL!!!!
58. My dad is mr fix-it. He is so practical!
59. My dad was a jock at school lol GO DAD >>> NOT!
60. Shame my parents do everything to support their children
61. Apparently I look like my mom's side of the family, but has my dad's eyes
62. We eat as a family at a table most days of the week
63. Our extended family gets together every Wednesday for a braai
64. My family was good to people of other races during Apartheid >>> PROUD!!!
65. My dad has had two heart attacks and heart surgery before
66. Both my brother and dad has Glaucoma, but no side-effects
67. Mommy is self-employed and earns a tad more then daddy >>> EPIC!!! U GO GIRL!!!
68. When younger, a car fell on my dad's face while he was working under it
69. My family can drink well loads. It is just crazy every Wednesday lolz
70. One lady in my extended family was killed in a farm attack last year
71. The oldest person in my extended family is almost 77 years old
72. The youngest person in my extended family is 4 months old
73. Everyone in my family is very strong willed and has a strong personality. It is like a war zone when we fight. Lolz how dysfunctional, yet charming
74. We eat a lot of chicken - Lol I love chicken!
75. We always have music playing EVERYWHERE!!!

Think my next one will be of my friends!

Love and peace

xXx

"and...World Peace"

So I was thinking bout something that just happened...

My dad just had an outburst bout some little thing. He asked me to do something for him. My honest intention was to help him out. My reply sentence started of with "No,........". I didn't type the rest of the sentence, since it apparently doesn't matter. In his stupidity he just heard the first word - "no" and this set him off.

He was cursing and swearing and telling me off and telling me that I should go clean my room and blablabla.

WTF?!

U know what...I'm quite a sucker, but sometimes I do feel sorry for him. He was recruited to the army when he was my age. It was mandatory at the time. He killed people. He "had to kill people". I hate that frame of mind. I think it was Einstein that said "killing under the cloak of war is still murder". I totally agree with this...

I mean how can it be "self-defense" if one GOES INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY with the INTENTION OF KILLING? I have never understood the concept of war. It is barbaric.
I am not ignorant to the fact that one has to stand up for what u believe in. There are other ways. I wish all guns, bombs etc. would disappear into oblivion.

Why? Why has it turned into this. Fine he was "fighting for his country". U know what? When I asked him about the war a few years back he didn't know what they fought for. No one in my country knows. I'm not speaking bout the political cover up. I'm speaking bout the real reason.

His best friend died in his arms... So i get it. I do. He is screwed up. I would be too. I would. But somehow I can't get myself to completely feel sorry for him. I mean it was his choice to go to war. I would have rather gone to prison. (Which was the other option u had if u didn't want to go to war.) I know I'll prolly get a lot of criticism from SOME of the American readers. Meh, I don't care. (Also, sorry if this stereotypically charged comments offends anyone.)

I would rather have spent two years behind metal bars then struggle my entire life caged between the bars of my mind.

As always my dear readers:

PEACE AND LOVE,

xXx

P.S. YAY FOR THE NEW FOLLOWERS!!!!

Short and sweet

So, me again hehe

Tonight my beloved dad watched a tv dating show. Now tonight had a bit of a twist. It was guys on the show. He called my cousin and said "hey come look it's faggots"

Crash and burn. Every time I am near coming out something like this happens.

But I keep thinking, maybe this is said out of ignorance. I mean our parents (especially in my country) grew up with very screwed ideas of homosexuals. I bet they don't even know what bisexuality is...yay for me!!!

Maybe if u just stand by what I believe and come out all will get better. I can't actually believe that I am the one stressing bout coming out and being "bad". I am not the wrong one here in this situation. He is - for being such a damn bigot.

Guys, let's make this our year. We must try to come out in droves HAHA!
i'm a bit amped after watching Milk...

Strength in numbers.

Peace and love,

xXx

My life in blog

So many ways to go. So many things to think about.
This will prolly end up as a long post.

P.S. This did end up being a very long post!!!!

So, my brother and his inevitable fiance is leaving SA tomorrow to go work abroad. They will be gone for 4 months or even 11 months. I don't know what to make of this. Me and my brother never did have a very strong relationship. In fact, he was criticizing my mother for buying fortune cookies when we ate Chinese the other day. "Do not meddle with this stuff." I mean, ffs, it's a cookie. THAT is how conservative and closed minded he is. He will probably be one of the very few people in my immediate social network that will reject me WHEN I come out to him.

BTW, I'm out to 20 people. Not one bad reaction. I think I am very fortunate thus far... So full steam ahead!

What kinda bothered me is that my mother said she saw my brother wiping away tears. OMG! How weird. My brother is a very manly man. I feel bad. I feel bad for him. But I fell more ashamed of myself... Even though he is a bigot, he is still my brother. I do not know why I find it so extremely hard to connect to my family and not to my friends. I am VERY VERY close with my friends, but even with my mother who is the kewlest person in the world I can hardy ever say I love you to her. But yeah I think I know why. It's because I'm not out to them. I am not honest. And therefore I withhold myself. What a fucking shame.

See my mom confuses me. One day I think she would be kewl if i come out. She would say stuff like "u only like that boy on American idol, cause he's got a baby face". Or i.e. one day she must have caught me staring at this boy that I'm in love with, cause she said "Ur gonna get hurt. He is not looking at u in the right way." I know right, how good does she know me?! But yeah, then other times she would be like no God doesn't really want it and all. This happens when I like watch Ellen. And I get crushed. Speaking bout mixed signals.

And then I think again. And this brings she to something she told me today. "I love my children way too much for my own good". Does she? Does she? Would she still feel that way if, not if, when I come out. One of my friends said that the fact that she loves me so much can count in my favour...or against me...bleh! I don't know.

I just wish I could connect myself to a lie detector and ask myself a lot of questions. Like why do I feel bad because I'm opposes to baptising a child. I'm attending one tomorrow. I mean give the child a chance to make her/his own conclusions...so yeah. I have my own take on religion/spirituality. I won't go into that now. I have to much left to say. Do I actually believe in a god...I think I do. I mean on my own terms. I much more spiritual. A poet once said. man cannot do without religion. Nor can he do with it as it is. This rings very true to me.

Nway, Next.

I'm a metrosexual, sensitive guy that is into arts. But I don't wanna come across as fem. I mean no offence but it's is just not for me. But maybe that is who I am and that is why I am scratching my head over this. Just because I also like boys, doesn't have to have me loose my masculinity in my sexuality. But yet..every time I see a guy I kinda find attractive, I find myself feeling more fem. Someone please do explain this to me. Maybe guy gays know bout this.

I wanna take time out to thank someone who played a very important part in my life. Joey from Bi in High School. We have not known each other for long, but u have done more good then u would ever know. If it were not for u I would not of started to blog. And from judging above I kinda need it. So thank you for saving me from myself.
I will miss ur blog and I will miss u. I will be awaiting ur return eagerly. Mwah!!!!

And in other news. Congrats Carwin on ur 200th post. I follow u very feverishly. U are a great guy! Keep it up!

Always hard's Josh! It is MY NEW YEARS WISH THAT U JUST GRAB UR ALEX AND KISS HIM TO DEATH. HE WANTS U SO BAD BOY!!!!

Also a special mention to Tyler form "The thoughts of a boy in high school" U were the first blog I followed. I think u are great.

Still haven't seen avatar - sold out all 3 times I went. which is highly peculiar for my country.

All in all I think I have a new addiction. I am starting to see my life as a blog post. Is this a normal experience at first?

Love and peace,

xXx