Heya!

So I found this old questionnaire on Stephan's blog. So imma do it cause I'm bored and I think there are a few of my buds who can like get something from it.


How old were you when you first realised you were gay?
Realized, acknowledge or accepted? Realized (when looking back) prolly as early as ever. Acknowledge at 15-17. Accepted after that. Now im a proud queer boy!


Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?
Well won't the facour always be in str8 people's odds? I do have a lot of gay and bi friends though.


Biggest turn on?
Well beautiful people. I study visuals for a life. i am tought to create art and beauty so I literaaly have gasped at beautiful people. I think being beautiful is a talent.

Biggest turn off?
Childishness, moaning, bigotry, prejudice


Ever been harassed due to your orientation?
Duh


Have you ever been surprised at the reaction of people who know you are gay?
Ya, in a good way


What is the worst gay stereotype?
AIDS


Ever been to a pride rally?
No, but I'm going a massive one early next year!!! :D

Do you go to gay bars?
Ya bet ur ass I do

How old were you when you first told someone you were gay?
15


Did you plan it? If so, how?
Yus I did. I was trying o get into his pants. So i kinda blurted it out. No, it didn't get me laid lol!


What made you choose that person to tell?
See above


How did you feel?
Horny lol


Have you ever been snubbed by someone after coming out to them?
No. Lucky me.


Have you come out to your family?
ya, i guess i have. Wow. Thats kewl.


Why did you come out at that point?
Cause I invited this gorgeous and amazing boy to come visit me for an extended period of time, twice, in a very short space of time. So I wanted to be more at ease with him. (BET U DIDNT KNOW THIS MUAHAHA)


Are you out at work?
Ya, mostly hey


If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it?
Urm, well I prolly out myself mostly. i don't mind being outed though. Sometimes i even prefer it. I have nothing to loose anymore.


What advice would you give someone wanting to come out?
Do it as soon as you can - if its safe and secure.


If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how?
Only sooner. Always sooner. (came out at 20)

That is all for now.

Peace and love,

xXx

I'm actually a middle aged woman...

Yus. It is true.

I'm a woman.

A middle aged woman.

With a husband.

And a kid.



WTF?!



I HAVE A PENIS!!!!

BUT apparently I'm the only one that thinks so.

Okay let me start at the beginning. ATM I'm a 20 year old male. And I'm at least average looking. Though on my good days I am rather hot. Not vain. Just I work hard on my appearance mkay? I pride myself in beautiful things. I am an artist. I am a walking palette. Nway.

Well in general I have grown accustomed to like be called ma'am on the phone. My voice is rather high pitched. Not like Kurt from Glee high pitched as in singing, but rather the tone of voice is kinda light and soft. Although I can project like a mother fucker ;-p (oh the irony of that statement)

NWAY 5 times in my life it has occurred that people who are standing face to face with me have mistaken me for a woman.

First time: Bout 5 years back. I was in a restaurant. I ordered a steak. 500g. So the waiter asks: "How would u like that Mrs?" and Im like "Mrs?" And he blushes and says "Oh sorry, Miss. OMG OMG OMG MISS!

Second time: I was going though the KFC drive through. BAD BOY ME! And the woman takes my order and when I drive away she says: "Enjoy your meal Ma'am." OMG serves me right for eating junk food.

Third time: One of my gf's cousins' friends walked up to me and asked: "Are you a boy or a girl?" She is about ten.

Fourth time: This weekend. The man walked up to our camp site. I was sitting up with my cousin and my young nephew. So then he asked my cousin: "Oh this must be your wife and son". OMG WTF WTF (hence title)

Fifth time: Then aftershock came in the form of the boy that greeted me this morning when the left. He must be about 8. He ran up to me, gave me a hug and said: "Good-bye aunty".

BALLS NO MORE!

Okay so here is the thing. This DOES bother me. Meh. Androgynous? And I LOVE the look. I find it very sexy yeah. But I don't have it. Like I do look like a man. Fine I am effeminate. But there is no discrepancy as to my gender.

And no It wasn't my behaviour. Like the fourth time I was sitting by the fire reading a book. So no campness. Lol pardon the pun.

I am seriously flabbergasted....

So after that rant (see last post) I spent a few hours thinking and did some research. I came across:

The Cass Identity Model is one of the fundamental theories of gay and lesbian identity development, developed in 1979 by Vivienne Cass [1]. This model was the first[citation needed] to treat gay people as "normal" in a heterosexist society and in a climate of homophobia instead of treating homosexuality itself as a problem. Cass described a process of six stages of gay and lesbian identity development. While these stages are sequential, some people might revisit stages at different points in their lives.

The six stages are as follow:

1.1 Identity Confusion
1.2 Identity Comparison
1.3 Identity Tolerance
1.4 Identity Acceptance
1.5 Identity Pride
1.6 Identity Synthesis

I have identified in what category I fall into:

Identity Pride

In the identity pride stage, while sometimes the coming out of the closet arrives, and the main thinking is "I've got to let people know who I am!". The person divides the world into heterosexuals and homosexuals, and is immersed in gay and lesbian culture while minimizing contact with heterosexuals. Us-them quality to political/social viewpoint. The task is to deal with the incongruent views of heterosexuals.

Possible responses include: splits world into "gay" (good) and "straight" (bad)—experiences disclosure crises with heterosexuals as they are less willing to "blend in"—identify gay culture as sole source of support, acquiring all gay friends, business connections, social connections.

The possible needs can be: to receive support for exploring anger issues, to find support for exploring issues of heterosexism, to develop skills for coping with reactions and responses to disclosure to sexual identity, and to resist being defensive.

It was very helpfull to me so if u want check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cass_Identity_Model

It is stage five. So kinda in retrospect it kinda puts a lot for me into perspective. I wanna thank the people who commented on my previous post.. I easily get irritated by empty advice, but what u guys wrote was of immeasurable value.

I am happy with my progress. I have spend six years (consciously) on the first four stages. And I think I'll be at stage five for quite some time still. I am thinking of starting a LGBT group at my uni. We don't have one. WTF WHY NOT?! But I'm very intimidated by the idea. I\ll have to think about it.

Gonna get dressed. Pun intended?

Hey all you amazing people!!!

So yesterday I had such a nice day! I slept in late and then met up with a gf at the mall to do some serious shopping!!!

Once again I have to note that I was being totally stupid about the good reaction I got when coming out. I think it was just aftershock. I am now completely over it. I reread some of the horror coming out stories and I just kinda realised even more how extremely fortunate I am. I mean others come out and they are disowned and here I am and my parents give me money a week after I come out to go buy myself pink shirts lol!

Anyway so I don't really do marathon shopping. When I see something nice I would buy it, but I needed to get new clothes to fit my new life! So I ended up with 5 nice t-shirts, 4 long-sleeve shirts, a kewl hoody and a pair of jeans. I think I need some more jeans, but we were so tired Ill go do that at another time!

I love having new clothes. it makes me feel confident and sexy! A very good combination. I like looking nice and being trendy!

Ahhhh wait even better news. My hair stylist (that's what he calls himself) left some time ago to go work in another city. This was like three months ago. So I have never been to anyone else cause I was depressed and scared about going to a new hair dresser lol! I am very fussy about my hair. Anyway I learnt yesterday that he came back! He wasn't happy with the long commute. So YAY ME! I am gonna try and make an appointment for 2morrow!

Here comes the pun part: I was on my way home after shopping and cocktails. So mom asked me to go to KFC to get food for my grandma and grandpa who lives in a flat with us. So I go though the KFC drive through and the woman is like "What would u like MA'AM?" WFT WFT WFT WFT WFT WFT! This is the 3rd time in my life this has happened! To add insult to injury she added: "Have a nice day, Ma'am!" OMG I was soooo upset for like 5minutes. But then I just realizes it shouldn't affect me this much. I mean I really do not look like a woman. I really don't and I am not insecure about this. I just do not get what they are on about!

Nway got home though on some of the new clothes to go to dinner. Was feeling great! Had a lovely dinner with the rents and then when I came home I caught the BCC Comedy Fest on. LEE EVANS IS A COMEDY GOD!!!!!!

Oooohhh, before I go - I have a dress up pardy soon. We have to like dress up as a animation character/Disney character. I am thinking of like maybe going as Peter Pan? What do u guys think? Any other suggestions?

That's all for now folks.

Peace, love and laughter,

P.S. Welcome Bi-Alan

xXx

Back to black

This week I have had an amazing time.

I really did learn a lot about myself. I think the most important thing that I discovered about myself is that I am kinda really into being in a relationship situation. It makes a lot of sense to me.

I have also gotten a lot of slack form various friends saying that I am gay. Not in a confrontational way. They all think I am gay and I am just using bisexuality as a way of desensitising them. Geez ffs! I am bi. I get hard for women. That cannot make me gay. Gay guys do not get hard for a vagina. Anyway, the whole concept of using bi as a way of phasing people into one being gay is illogical. Think about it. Bisexuality is much more intricate and unexpected. People do not understand and acknowledge it. So why on earth would I use that as a smoke screen? I know some of u might disagree with me, but honestly idk.

This week something very stupid happened in my country. Eugene Terrblanche, the leader of the AWB, a bunch of ignorant racists, was murdered on his farm. What makes this more interesting is that Julius Malema, one of the biggest conundrums to grace the earth ever, was singing a "struggle song" which incites killing white farmers (because they are cowards and rapists). the previous day. Earlier the week the court stated that it was unconstitutional to sing this song in RSA any longer. This was done after Julius was singing it a few times in the recent past. So Julius went to Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe and sang it there the day before Terrblanches' murder. This guy is the epitome of entertainment. I am growing more and more and more upset and even a bit worried. Racial tension in this country is entering a new phase. I hope this doesn't blow up before the soccer world cup takes place.

Anyway here are links to the Malema and Terrblanche dudes. A bit of RSA 101:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julius_Malema

(He must be my least favourite person on the planet BTW)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugene_Terreblanche

Smell ya later!

Peace, love and prayers!

xXx

P.S. Hope those of u who celebrate Easter had a wonderful weekend. The rest of u hope u aren't fat of all the chocolate!

17.8

Toy shop

Not just any old toy shop. Today I ventured into the unknown. Me and a friend went to an adult supply shop. Lolz. I was so freakin nervous when we approached it. Haha how stupid and paranoid can one be?! But I mean imagine how awkward it would be if u spot someone u know lolz!!!!

Nway was browsing through the toys and OMG I want one lolz. Didn't buy anything = was just window shopping and all. Lolz. I first have to find a place to hide the stupid thing. Lol. Saw one that is urm cute lolz. It is purple and 17,8 cm lolz OMG WTF!!! ME = WHORE!!!!

Got a nice compliment today. A girl I am friends with said to me that she and another person had discussed me the previous day. She told me that they came to the conclusion that I "fill up a pair of jeans damn good". YAY ME!!!!

I have to go write three reviews so maybe I'll post some more later.
I skipped my idea for the post today. If i get time later I will post it. I am kinda keen to share it with u.

Okay ladies see u later.

Peace and love,

xXx

I'm sick of it

Nero Linguistic Programming

Bleh! Yesterday at uni we had this lecturer for a 2 hour session. This totally fucked me up good. After the lesson I had to drive home for 2 hours in traffic and the combo of this just made me physically sick. I was really down in the dumps...

After using the technique named above the lecturer started this program with us that challenged us to define our life goal. OMG!!! He crushed about half of our "confused undefined goals and dreams" and psycho-analyzed a lot of us in front of everyone. I'm am prolly being a bit sensitive, but I think this is quite inappropriate.

If u are wonderng why his "effect" on me "affected" me so much...drum roll please:

My goal: To one day die with a heart full of love and appreciation.

Seriously, that is my ultimate life goal.

How can ur life goal be to die?

On my way home I gave a girl a lift home and for the two hours we spoke about the session and this shifted to our religious believes and my sexuality and when I got home I had to take some paracetamol pills to stop my body from tripping out.

I was nauseous, sore, had headache cold fever, upset stomach etc... Why was this happening?

I know why...it is because I feel I am living a lie. And eventhoug my life goal is somewhat absurd to most it is what I want. And I will not achieve it as long as I being dishonest to people about my sexuality.

My greatest obstacle in life at the moment is myself.

Guys, the thing is my parents won't disown me or throw me out of the house...
I just kinda feel it. They would still love me. They would acknowledge it, even though they may never accept it. I am content with this.

I am truly comfortable with my sexuality. I know who I am and what I like and what I don't like.

So why don't I tell them...

Because:

I just can't stand the idea of crushing them. They will be so confused, sad, angry, scared and all at the same time.

And I one of the main things would be the "embarrassment" they would have to suffer at the hand of some of their friends and colleagues. I know they will defend me if the need be, but I don't want to create this issue for them. It is not their battle to fight.

Anyway, so when I got home I was ready to just go into a state of depro, but I couldn't cause I invited about 14 people to our home to meet my German friends. So I had to be a good host and run the show.

I didn't know how I would be able to get through the night, but then something amazing happened...

My family came together in the most amazing way. The atmosphere was warm, loving and cosy and we had a great night! I think the Germans was really intrigued by the whole evening. I even found the guy just staring at what was going on most of the time. I found myself doing the same.

And at that moment all the stress just floated out of my body...and I felt loved...

I love my family...wow did I just say this? This would be the first time in my 19, almost 20 years of living that I said this...

So after they all went home I was just so tired and calm that I fell asleep almost immediately. I decided to stay home for today and tomorrow and just gather myself and relax for a bit. So maybe tonight I am joining the Germans for dinner at my fav restaurant in the world.

Life really does seem awesome.

I really do think I have one of the best lives one could ever whish for.
I am that guy.

I just need to get out and be honest, before I am become the architect of my own disaster...

for those of you that is intrigued by NLP here is a link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

Peace and love,

xXx

One giant victory for me' liver!

Bleh!

No predrinks! My face crumbles "like a bridge into a river"! Lolz!

So ya, spend a hour or so getting my home nice and clean and all atmospheric, with lights and candles and music and what not and now it was just cancelled, cause everyone is running late. It is no big deal, it's just I hate the let go of a mood I was getting into for a few hours lolz. Weirdo?! So now that I have this extra hour I thought I could make another quick post before I go out.

Nway I was observing all the subcultures in SA. Especially the non-hetro's. And out of all it was evidently clear to me that gay guys to have it the best. I wonder why this is. I don't know if this is a international phenomenon or not or if it is just here in SA. At least in the part of SA where I live.

I wonder why this is. I mean for a bi guy I also reap some of the benefits of this "finding". I was thinking, and humour me here, maybe straight girls' apparent liking in gay guys has much to do with this. It is almost as if they are the gateway drug for gay guys into the illusive world of heterosexuals. Lolz! Am I tripping here?

It is also very clear to me that there is a definite tendency for lesbians to be much more underground then gay guys. It is no strange sight to see two guys as a couple. but it is not very frequently that one spots a lesbian couple.

What makes it the more interesting is that there seems to be a definite separation between the world of lesbians and gays here. Of course at rallies and so it will not be like this, but for most part it seems that the lifestyles do not intertwine that much

I am betting that this is maybe very obvious to most of u reading this and u are going "Wft how do u think this is news to us?". Well, honestly, remember I am new to this and I am not an active player in the "gay community".

Or is this not like this where ya'll live?

Nway this was just a random thought that popped into my little head.

Love and peace,

xXx

P.S. I made a post earlier today so be sure not to look it over!

Agenda: Stuff

Yo guys!

The results are in and the winner of American Id....bleh give it a few more months! Btw, one kewlest thing about living in SA is being able to watch MNET. It is a channel on cable or whatever. I believe if there was a international competition for the best channel in the world, it would be a strong contender to win! It has nearly all the best shows in the world. It has 8 of the 10 recent best show nominations of the Golden Globes airing at the moment. And then also all the other fan favourites and other brilliant shows. Not to mention airing film premiers in the same year of release. I really think it is AMAZING. Something I find to be VERY interesting is that that our Sunday Evening premier slot went to....American Idol. It used to show during the week on another smaller channel AND we were way behind, but now we are only one week behind basically. This is arguably one of the most sought after time slots on our viewing calendar. Mmm...it kinda reflects a lot about the current influence of USA in the South African culture.

The poll results are in! Thank you to the people that voted!

The question was: Ur only truly bi if u have had sexual encounters with both sexes?

The results are as follows:


Hell Yeah!!!
3 (17%)

Not at all!!
9 (52%)

Still deciding
1 (5%)

Don't believe in bi
4 (23%)


This was very interesting to me. I thought that the majourity of the vote would go to "Hell Yeah". But half of the people that voted, thought as me, that bisexuality is a (emotional) state of being, and does not need a chance sexual encounter to solidify this.

What is find quite saddening is that 23% voted "Don't believe in bi"...
I am quite a silly little boy and I would like to paste something to my own embarrassment. I always though homosexual people are all this one big group of open minded people. But, yeah that was when I was way younger. I mean I thought if someone had to go through a struggle to prove their "normality" that they would become aware that people differ and so forth. Catch my drift. Nway, I find it frustrating to not be accepted by either hetro or homo communities.

To the four people who voted that option: I do respect ur right of opinion. I just wish I could understand ur train of though. What makes u think that bisexuality is not real. Do u believe in pansexuality, ambisexuality, asexuality and so forth?
Actually everyone is welcome to comment on the last question.

I am here. I am real.

Nway on a other note! I am seeing a friend today for the first time in over two months, so quite excited bout that! A group of us is going out to a club to just get into a kewl vibe! I don't feel like drinking much tonight so that is good news for my liver! Haha!

Hope u all have a great day!

Peace, lover and liver

Seacrest out!

xXx

Overexposed

This is me. Please, do not fuck with me.

I am in a very peculiar mood. Have u ever felt as if u know exactly who u are? Tonight I can carry the world upon my shoulders...

I know why I am here.

I am here to help people. Not only poor people with love and money. I have the need to satisfy my thurst in arts.

I want to promote art in my country. Especially in my own culture.
If u have following me 4 me for a while, u will knoe that this is a majour step for me.

It feels more then right, it feels like my destiny.

That I have chosen.

I am happy...
I am.

I do not wish to leave SA. I want to make people proud of their heritage.
Something I never had. I want them to know.

And I wil fight for LGBT. Eventhough we have all the rights. It is not enough.

I cannot promise any dates. But in this writing I do commit.

This is it.

Peace and love.

Believe me...

xXx

Time to vote!!!

Yay, don't u just love it when it gets interactive?!

Yeah, I know u do!

So drag ur ass over to the pole and vote biatch!

Peace and love,

xXx

Forever in the Pink City

I have been waiting some time to make this post. I am very very exited to share this with all of u since it is something that has to do with all of my readers. This will make for good reading, i promise:

South Africa's post-apartheid constitution was the first in the world to outlaw discrimination based on sexual orientation, and on 1 December 2006 South Africa made history by becoming the fifth country in the world and first in Africa to legalise same-sex marriage. One year later an equal age of consent was achieved; after long and lengthy debate and a complete overhaul of sexual offences legislation, consent was gender-neutralized at 16. Same sex couples can also adopt children as of 2002 and even more, it is allowed to make use of artificial insemination if the couple so chooses.

So even though Apartheid was one of the darkest era's, in our country and the world, some good did come of it. Don't get me wrong. What happened in the past was filled with dispare. But this is the future that was made possible in every way, because of it. So I want to thank every person that fought in the struggle for their freedom. Not only did u achieve this, but u also saved a faceless white boy that u had no idea existed....AMANDLA!!!!!

I am adding this paragraph after the first publishing of this post. In reflection of a conversation i had with a fellow blogger who did not entirely react as I anticipated after reading this post. Do u guys see what I was trying to make u see? I know there are a lot of u that have to hide who u are. That have to live in fear. I mean just check what is happening in Uganda. (And no it cannot be written of as "only a third world country", cause I live in Africa and I have more rights then any person in any country in the world. For those of u that long to marry, have children, just to be acknowledged: THERE IS HOPE! That was the messege that I was trying to convey. Hope. For you reading this. Hope.

If this interests u, I am going to paste two links elaborating on this topic:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_South_Africa

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_South_Africa

As always PEACE AND LOVE,

xXx

My life in blog

So many ways to go. So many things to think about.
This will prolly end up as a long post.

P.S. This did end up being a very long post!!!!

So, my brother and his inevitable fiance is leaving SA tomorrow to go work abroad. They will be gone for 4 months or even 11 months. I don't know what to make of this. Me and my brother never did have a very strong relationship. In fact, he was criticizing my mother for buying fortune cookies when we ate Chinese the other day. "Do not meddle with this stuff." I mean, ffs, it's a cookie. THAT is how conservative and closed minded he is. He will probably be one of the very few people in my immediate social network that will reject me WHEN I come out to him.

BTW, I'm out to 20 people. Not one bad reaction. I think I am very fortunate thus far... So full steam ahead!

What kinda bothered me is that my mother said she saw my brother wiping away tears. OMG! How weird. My brother is a very manly man. I feel bad. I feel bad for him. But I fell more ashamed of myself... Even though he is a bigot, he is still my brother. I do not know why I find it so extremely hard to connect to my family and not to my friends. I am VERY VERY close with my friends, but even with my mother who is the kewlest person in the world I can hardy ever say I love you to her. But yeah I think I know why. It's because I'm not out to them. I am not honest. And therefore I withhold myself. What a fucking shame.

See my mom confuses me. One day I think she would be kewl if i come out. She would say stuff like "u only like that boy on American idol, cause he's got a baby face". Or i.e. one day she must have caught me staring at this boy that I'm in love with, cause she said "Ur gonna get hurt. He is not looking at u in the right way." I know right, how good does she know me?! But yeah, then other times she would be like no God doesn't really want it and all. This happens when I like watch Ellen. And I get crushed. Speaking bout mixed signals.

And then I think again. And this brings she to something she told me today. "I love my children way too much for my own good". Does she? Does she? Would she still feel that way if, not if, when I come out. One of my friends said that the fact that she loves me so much can count in my favour...or against me...bleh! I don't know.

I just wish I could connect myself to a lie detector and ask myself a lot of questions. Like why do I feel bad because I'm opposes to baptising a child. I'm attending one tomorrow. I mean give the child a chance to make her/his own conclusions...so yeah. I have my own take on religion/spirituality. I won't go into that now. I have to much left to say. Do I actually believe in a god...I think I do. I mean on my own terms. I much more spiritual. A poet once said. man cannot do without religion. Nor can he do with it as it is. This rings very true to me.

Nway, Next.

I'm a metrosexual, sensitive guy that is into arts. But I don't wanna come across as fem. I mean no offence but it's is just not for me. But maybe that is who I am and that is why I am scratching my head over this. Just because I also like boys, doesn't have to have me loose my masculinity in my sexuality. But yet..every time I see a guy I kinda find attractive, I find myself feeling more fem. Someone please do explain this to me. Maybe guy gays know bout this.

I wanna take time out to thank someone who played a very important part in my life. Joey from Bi in High School. We have not known each other for long, but u have done more good then u would ever know. If it were not for u I would not of started to blog. And from judging above I kinda need it. So thank you for saving me from myself.
I will miss ur blog and I will miss u. I will be awaiting ur return eagerly. Mwah!!!!

And in other news. Congrats Carwin on ur 200th post. I follow u very feverishly. U are a great guy! Keep it up!

Always hard's Josh! It is MY NEW YEARS WISH THAT U JUST GRAB UR ALEX AND KISS HIM TO DEATH. HE WANTS U SO BAD BOY!!!!

Also a special mention to Tyler form "The thoughts of a boy in high school" U were the first blog I followed. I think u are great.

Still haven't seen avatar - sold out all 3 times I went. which is highly peculiar for my country.

All in all I think I have a new addiction. I am starting to see my life as a blog post. Is this a normal experience at first?

Love and peace,

xXx