Ready, steady, FAIL

As u guys know I am still not out to my parents.

After this weekend and all that went with it I decided yesterday to write a letter to them. I have chosen this as my method of coming out. I will address one letter to both of them.

May seem silly for two reason:

I have not written the letter. I have only committed to it. This is a big step for me. In the past I would just not think about it. Yeah sure I would think about it, but not with the intention of following through as this time.

The second reason this may seem silly is because I have chosen a letter. Some may think this cowardly. I have taken this into consideration, but I have come to the conclusion that it would be in fact the best method/medium.

Here are my reasons:

1) I want to let them know all my thoughts and feelings - I am scared that I would forget something out. One only gets this one oppertunity to do it right.
2) I will have one of the following two reactions if a conversation would take place: I would be tactless, too forceful or I would cry so much that i would appear weak. The second one I will not allow. I do not want to seem millitant when I they hear the news. I want them to see that I am their loving son.
3) I am planning to go away for a weekend and leaving the letter to them. This will give all parties the oppertunity to clear their minds and gather their thoughts, before we speak about it in person. Also, in the event that I am disowned it would be less awkward as I could just not come back. (Yeah I am packing my Mac lolz)
3) I am good with words as a method of justification and clarification. I will make them understand.

Now what i want to know is how foolish, insensitive and selfish am I being?
I mean fuck I the one living in fear here not them...

Come to think of it if one makes the step to come it u activly make a conscious decision that u are willing to loose ur family.

As hard as this is I see no other way. I have to be true to myself.

Nway so I have a off day today and had to do so much work, but I got obsessed witth the letter. This morning I had to go to the bank and then drop my dad at work cause my car went in for a service and my mom wants a car at home all the time. When we walked into the bank he nudged me and said: "Did u check that queer?" It was obviously said in a negative tone of voice.

So once again my inspiration to write the letter has vanished. BTW I have thought about reading the letter out loud to them. But in an attempt not to cry I will be blocking out any emotion. It will not work. I do not want to be cold.

FML..wait...not so much I am such a happy person who is blessed and I am extremly grateful for everything in my life.

I feel the beauty around me and I sing

Peace and love,

xXx

Sleep when ur dead

Hey guys!!!

Firstly, welcome Anton! He is the latest follower. Thanx for taking the time!

Bleh! What an awesomely active past two days I have had! So uni has started and I found out today that I got into all the classes that I wanted to take! So amped! This means I will defnitly need a Mac. So I am contacting a few connectiona and will prolly order it by the weekend. FML. I really don't have the money for it. I will have to take out a loan, but if I wanna take my studies seriously I will have to do this.

Went out on Monday evening with some German friends that are visiting and ended up going hom after 3AM and had to get up at 5h30AM!!!! SO tired, but had a great jol!

Nway, on a more sombre note something stupid happened. One of my best uni friends is a lesbian. And someone started this lame rumour saying that she is apparently telling everyone that she kissed this other girl. Now this is not true, cause my friend is in the closet. So why would she tell people that? Anyway, so it became a big story on campus: HOW CHILDISH! She was in a state. I felt so sorry for her. People can be so fucking stupid sometimes GRRRR!!!

So the new first year arrived! AND OMG I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS ONE CUTIE! He has pich black messy hair is lean and has the sexiest legs. SO YUMMY! I have decided I am gonna perve on him and offer him private tutor lessons ahaha! That is if I manage to pluck up the courage to talk to him >>> See usually when I am hot for someone I get so silly and shy ahah! But, sighs, I would love to hold his hand! And maybe show him the ropes, ya know?!

P.S. When someone rocks a mowhawk they rock my world lolz!

Nway!!!!

Peace and love,

xXx

I got wet!

Bleh, not in a good way!

So I was at the club chatting away with my friends when the guys to the table next to us took some what i hope was water/alcohol and splashed it in my fucking pretty face lolz. So I just kinda ignored it, cause I really am able to stay calm in situations like these. Other people's stupidity rarely piss me off enough for it to warrant a reaction from me. Anyhow, so I reengaged in the conversation just to be splattered a second time. Which I just ignored again. Surprised was I not when he did it a third time. So this time I just looked him in his eyes and calmly said "mission accomplished". And the again I just reengaged in conversation.

He didn't bother me again.

I really think this guy was really stupid and childish. I mean wtf! Grow up! He was such a dick anyways he used the FUCKING AWFUL word "kaffir" numerous time in his conversations. For those of u that doesn't know what it means, it is a very degrading term used back during Apartheid to insult black people. It is much like the word "nigger". That I think was one of the reason that I didn't get mad, cause he was such a pathetic individual who does not deserve to be taken seriously enough to pay any sort of attention to.

So why then did he do it to me? Well, frankly, I am fem. I mean, I am not flamboyant gay. But I am a fem bi guy and if u are not living in ignorance it is really easy to spot this. So apparently he thought a good splash in the face would get me "fucking some bitches" with him or something.

Bleh! To whoever u are. Thank you for making me aware that I am proud of who I am. Thank you for making me see that I am a great person.

I hope that one day u will be able to say the same for urself.

L for love lolz

Peace and love,

xXx

Short and sweet

So, me again hehe

Tonight my beloved dad watched a tv dating show. Now tonight had a bit of a twist. It was guys on the show. He called my cousin and said "hey come look it's faggots"

Crash and burn. Every time I am near coming out something like this happens.

But I keep thinking, maybe this is said out of ignorance. I mean our parents (especially in my country) grew up with very screwed ideas of homosexuals. I bet they don't even know what bisexuality is...yay for me!!!

Maybe if u just stand by what I believe and come out all will get better. I can't actually believe that I am the one stressing bout coming out and being "bad". I am not the wrong one here in this situation. He is - for being such a damn bigot.

Guys, let's make this our year. We must try to come out in droves HAHA!
i'm a bit amped after watching Milk...

Strength in numbers.

Peace and love,

xXx

One ring to rule them all

Another day gone.

Was quite a lazy day. Slept very very late and then got up, ate salad and was spending some time with mom in my parents' room (oh, that does not sound good lol).

I also decided that I'll be hosting a new year's eve pardy at my house so that will be rad. I CANNOT WAIT!!!! Invited over bout 20 people, but obviously more will pitch. I'm planning on making a lethal punch. So if any of u have a great recipe please tell me bout it!!!

So tonight I went to dinner with one of my friends of 11 years, her boyfriend (who I just adore) and her cousin. I heard that the cousin will be here for new years, so I invited her along - seeing as my other friend will be there and also the fact that her home town is the place were my amazing mom was born. So she has to be kewl right?

NOT!!!!!!

She is a very unpleasant person. She kept telling me and the other two that we should not drink and smoke. FFS! She was drinking cocktails herself. And I don't smoke. The only time I do, however is like once every two months if I am at a pardy and there is a hubbly-bubbly (hookah). I think I like smoking it, because it keeps the crowd together and that is good, otherwise everyone goes of and does their own thing.

Nway, what really bothered me was the fact that when the dude and myself were sitting next to each other she said to us u guys are sitting all closer to each other. And we were like wtf?! We didn't even notice. And then we were like fuck it so he put his head on my shoulder and I played with his hair - just to piss her off. See, he and his girlfriend (my good friend) both know about me and is totally down with it.

So that was settled. I thought. But then when I was joking around with my friend she said I look "really gay" doing it. I was making spirit fingers. (I was reanimating something out of a movie.) So when she said it I was like "okay whatever works for you". At this point I was starting to get pissed off.

She took it even further commenting on my ring which I sometimes, for no apparent reason, wear on my ring finger. she said "so when did he give it to u". Now this ring is just worn as an accessory. I got it for my birthday a year back from my cousin. So I said he gave it to me bout a year ago. (Gay marriage is legal in SA, but that's another post). So she was shocked. She asked me who. And I replied "the priest, it is a purity ring".

LOLOL!!!

She was like so taken aback and my other two buddies were laughing, cause they knew the truth. Priceless.

P.S No offence meant to anyone who wears purity rings. I think it is quite honorable and admirable. Keep it up.

Peace and love,

xXx