Sunday, November 21, 2010


So I found this old questionnaire on Stephan's blog. So imma do it cause I'm bored and I think there are a few of my buds who can like get something from it.

How old were you when you first realised you were gay?
Realized, acknowledge or accepted? Realized (when looking back) prolly as early as ever. Acknowledge at 15-17. Accepted after that. Now im a proud queer boy!

Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?
Well won't the facour always be in str8 people's odds? I do have a lot of gay and bi friends though.

Biggest turn on?
Well beautiful people. I study visuals for a life. i am tought to create art and beauty so I literaaly have gasped at beautiful people. I think being beautiful is a talent.

Biggest turn off?
Childishness, moaning, bigotry, prejudice

Ever been harassed due to your orientation?

Have you ever been surprised at the reaction of people who know you are gay?
Ya, in a good way

What is the worst gay stereotype?

Ever been to a pride rally?
No, but I'm going a massive one early next year!!! :D

Do you go to gay bars?
Ya bet ur ass I do

How old were you when you first told someone you were gay?

Did you plan it? If so, how?
Yus I did. I was trying o get into his pants. So i kinda blurted it out. No, it didn't get me laid lol!

What made you choose that person to tell?
See above

How did you feel?
Horny lol

Have you ever been snubbed by someone after coming out to them?
No. Lucky me.

Have you come out to your family?
ya, i guess i have. Wow. Thats kewl.

Why did you come out at that point?
Cause I invited this gorgeous and amazing boy to come visit me for an extended period of time, twice, in a very short space of time. So I wanted to be more at ease with him. (BET U DIDNT KNOW THIS MUAHAHA)

Are you out at work?
Ya, mostly hey

If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it?
Urm, well I prolly out myself mostly. i don't mind being outed though. Sometimes i even prefer it. I have nothing to loose anymore.

What advice would you give someone wanting to come out?
Do it as soon as you can - if its safe and secure.

If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how?
Only sooner. Always sooner. (came out at 20)

That is all for now.

Peace and love,


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

In responce

"I keyed on the fact that you seem to define everything about yourself using external sources and that the only thing that matters is how these external sources are pleasing you at the moment - kinda like a middle school girl bouncing between cliques!"

Thats a comment I got from my last post.

I think I agree with that. But what i don't neccesarilly agree about is the negative idea surrounding the way the statement was made. I'm not saying it is a good thing. I'm not saying it is a bad thing. It is just simply a thing.

I do define myself by "using external sources".

Why though?


In order for me to place myself within context I have to evaluate me according to a standard. This standard being the projected norm of society - the external source. So ya I do have an obsession with labelling myself and things around me. I do not see this as obsessive or complusive. I just need to define a thing in order to understand it. In order to define something you have to describe it. Or as we say label. So yus I label.

Giving a label to things makes sense.

"the only thing that matters is how these external sources are pleasing you at the moment"

Yet again I do not see how this is a bad thing. I like feeling good. It is an intrinsic human want. I like being pleased and I get this pleasure from interacting in a positive manner with others. Look it is not that I conform to the requests of other. FFS! I am bisexual. If I wanted to conform I would have said I'm gay or straight.

Two things about that:

1) At this moment in my life I am bisexual. I don't care about ur theories. I am attracted t males and female, penis and vagina. If I do transition into a hetro or homo it will be a fantastic. if not - fantastic. All i am trying to say is that I do not conform.

Not that I think there is anything wrong with conforming. If it is a natural human tendency to conform then why do people see it in a bad light in anyway?

I liked being pleased by external sources yus. I prefer this above not being pleased by external sources. I also enjoy being positive in myself and being strong in myself. So I do evaluate myself against my own standard. Thats just it. In order to have my own standards I need something to compare standards with - in order to define my standard. Okay I hope this is making sense.

ANYWAY - enough about that (btw thanx for the comment)

Moving on:

Alcohol update:

I spoke to most of my friends about the issue. Their opinion is that i am not an full-fledged alcoholic, but that I am borderline. I do agree with this. I mean it has only very recently gotten out of hand. I do not have dependency or withdrawal symptoms. I did not drink for a week and then yesterday I had a pint of beer with my friends when we celebrated being done with second year. I ordered a second one, but then didn't drink it cause i felt i didn't need it. So I gave it to a friend thats kinda broke - did us both a favour.

Thing is, and say what u want, I do not want alcohol to intimidate me. If I don't drink I wud want to. So what I need to do it to relearn my boundaries and rid my body of the tolerance that it built up. So from now on I will only drink when the occasion suites it and lo longer at every opportunity that is presented. And I don't have to get drunk. See I kinda forgot this. So I will teach myself how to drink and remain in control. That is what life is all about. Balance.

Same thing applies when people go on diet. Say the person loves chocolate. they go on this silly diet and may NEVER EVER AGAIN eat chocolate. This is bullshit. If u feel like chocolate eat a fucking block of chocolate. Yut again keep it balanced. Don't devour a slab.

Reason for my drinking getting rough is anyway not the alcohol. I don't drink more than the people with me (student peers). And i was never a problem. What happened was i kinda started dealing with some emotional issues of late and therefor I went for escapism. But I got the wake up call I needed so I am dealing with the things now.

And I'm looking forward to in time sit by the beach with my budz and sip A sundowner with them, celebrating theis wonderful life...

P.S. My end of the year project turned out AMAZING and we got really really GREAT feedback form the panel.

I added the photos later cause I felt u deserved some hotness to look at for getting through this post. Enjoy the boyz from ONE DIRECTION <3

(Also, forgive me for typos - I was too lazy to check through the long post >.<)

Peace and love,


Monday, November 8, 2010

I'm an alcoholic

Sad but true.

I am an alcoholic and I'm 20 years old. Fuck. Its bad. I dont even get sober before starting to drink again.

I'm cutting all alcohol out of my life. I can't anymore. I have no self-control and I am starting to become a hassle for the people around me. I didn't really think the situation was that bad but evidently it is.

I had a complete emotional meltdown last night. Apparently I was crying for 5 hours and I stopped breathing at times.

I need to sort my life out. I need to stop loving that stupid boy.

Wish me luck. I need it.