Sunday, September 26, 2010

I'm actually a middle aged woman...

Yus. It is true.

I'm a woman.

A middle aged woman.

With a husband.

And a kid.



BUT apparently I'm the only one that thinks so.

Okay let me start at the beginning. ATM I'm a 20 year old male. And I'm at least average looking. Though on my good days I am rather hot. Not vain. Just I work hard on my appearance mkay? I pride myself in beautiful things. I am an artist. I am a walking palette. Nway.

Well in general I have grown accustomed to like be called ma'am on the phone. My voice is rather high pitched. Not like Kurt from Glee high pitched as in singing, but rather the tone of voice is kinda light and soft. Although I can project like a mother fucker ;-p (oh the irony of that statement)

NWAY 5 times in my life it has occurred that people who are standing face to face with me have mistaken me for a woman.

First time: Bout 5 years back. I was in a restaurant. I ordered a steak. 500g. So the waiter asks: "How would u like that Mrs?" and Im like "Mrs?" And he blushes and says "Oh sorry, Miss. OMG OMG OMG MISS!

Second time: I was going though the KFC drive through. BAD BOY ME! And the woman takes my order and when I drive away she says: "Enjoy your meal Ma'am." OMG serves me right for eating junk food.

Third time: One of my gf's cousins' friends walked up to me and asked: "Are you a boy or a girl?" She is about ten.

Fourth time: This weekend. The man walked up to our camp site. I was sitting up with my cousin and my young nephew. So then he asked my cousin: "Oh this must be your wife and son". OMG WTF WTF (hence title)

Fifth time: Then aftershock came in the form of the boy that greeted me this morning when the left. He must be about 8. He ran up to me, gave me a hug and said: "Good-bye aunty".


Okay so here is the thing. This DOES bother me. Meh. Androgynous? And I LOVE the look. I find it very sexy yeah. But I don't have it. Like I do look like a man. Fine I am effeminate. But there is no discrepancy as to my gender.

And no It wasn't my behaviour. Like the fourth time I was sitting by the fire reading a book. So no campness. Lol pardon the pun.

I am seriously flabbergasted....

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

So after that rant (see last post) I spent a few hours thinking and did some research. I came across:

The Cass Identity Model is one of the fundamental theories of gay and lesbian identity development, developed in 1979 by Vivienne Cass [1]. This model was the first[citation needed] to treat gay people as "normal" in a heterosexist society and in a climate of homophobia instead of treating homosexuality itself as a problem. Cass described a process of six stages of gay and lesbian identity development. While these stages are sequential, some people might revisit stages at different points in their lives.

The six stages are as follow:

1.1 Identity Confusion
1.2 Identity Comparison
1.3 Identity Tolerance
1.4 Identity Acceptance
1.5 Identity Pride
1.6 Identity Synthesis

I have identified in what category I fall into:

Identity Pride

In the identity pride stage, while sometimes the coming out of the closet arrives, and the main thinking is "I've got to let people know who I am!". The person divides the world into heterosexuals and homosexuals, and is immersed in gay and lesbian culture while minimizing contact with heterosexuals. Us-them quality to political/social viewpoint. The task is to deal with the incongruent views of heterosexuals.

Possible responses include: splits world into "gay" (good) and "straight" (bad)—experiences disclosure crises with heterosexuals as they are less willing to "blend in"—identify gay culture as sole source of support, acquiring all gay friends, business connections, social connections.

The possible needs can be: to receive support for exploring anger issues, to find support for exploring issues of heterosexism, to develop skills for coping with reactions and responses to disclosure to sexual identity, and to resist being defensive.

It was very helpfull to me so if u want check it out:

It is stage five. So kinda in retrospect it kinda puts a lot for me into perspective. I wanna thank the people who commented on my previous post.. I easily get irritated by empty advice, but what u guys wrote was of immeasurable value.

I am happy with my progress. I have spend six years (consciously) on the first four stages. And I think I'll be at stage five for quite some time still. I am thinking of starting a LGBT group at my uni. We don't have one. WTF WHY NOT?! But I'm very intimidated by the idea. I\ll have to think about it.


I am mad.

Im mad at myself for drinking too much, for smoking socially, for eating too much McDonalds, for struggling to say hi to that cute boy, for not letting my ex bf sleep in my arms past 5am, for being a pussy, for having big ideas and little execution, for writing this post, for not posting more often, for wasting time on facebook, for stalking people on facebook, for not knowing how to feel about my best friend being back after a year, for sending that photo, for not getting enough sex, for not willing to sleep around to just get it, for wanting a boyfriend to hold my hand before he fucks me, for always sleeping to late, for having reason to struggle falling asleep, for being too honest and direct with people, for not living up to the expectations which i set myself. I'm mad cause I started to listen too much to pop music and indulged myself completely in white noise, for being shy, for being manipulative, for not washing the amazing car i got frequently enough. I'm mad cause like I always have to spellcheck like cause I always type it leik fml. I am mad at religion and the lies it made me believe for so long. I am mad that one can never be completely out and that even after years all u still want is approval from a fucking stranger. Im mad cause I miss him ssooo much. I am mad cause he is sooo far away. I am mad for crying too much. I am mad for playing mind games with myself. I am mad for not writing poetry anymore. I am mad cause I am mad.

Im mad and I am ungrateful. I think I'm confused.

Fuck it. Meh. Meh. meh