And there I was thinking the roadblocks of puberty have been crossed.
BTW as I am typing this I have Miley Cyrus' "When I look at you" playing on repeat. I think it is an amazing song.
University has kept me from u guys. It is godly insane what s expected of us. I have such deep rooted issues with the manner in which the institution I attend is run, that I sometimes find myself hating my life for brief time - cause I made the choice to attend it. I love what I do. I just don't prefer the medium in which I gain access to it. But they are unfortunately the best. What a stupid situation.
Pressure for future. I do not know if I should study honours or not. I have an insane student loan already. But I have to complete my honours at this institution if I ever wanna do a masters degree at another institution. Some silly red tape thing. Or I can go do honours in something else like maybe journalism.
This is kinda a big choice cause it will effect what I want to do with my life. Do I wanna continue pursuing what I do now? Or do I wanna branch out. Branching out seems the smart thing to do. But it could also backfire.
I also wanna invest in a camera for myself to like kinda make money on the side. But that will cost at least a $1000 which I don't really have laying around. Spend money to make money eh?
I dunno man. Questions are spinning in my head. A vortex. I keep analysing everything and at the end of the day I just realise that nothing matters cause we will all die one day and we are running after the wind. I am not nihilistic or anything but I am just trying to figure out what my priorities are. Cause lately I have screwed up.
My (ex?) bf ?!
I don't even know what to say to that. When I fuck up I do it really bad. Basically I did something that still makes logical sense. But emotionally I kinda fucked with myself. And the other person. But with good intention. I think in the long run it makes sense still. But then I started remembering what I believe in. I believe in the now. And thus I failed myself. I betrayed my core believes. i have spoken to my boy and he understand why I did it though. I don't deserve that of him. He is so amazing. He is soooo amazing. He makes me proud almost every day.
I love u.
To top it all of. My dad is in the ICU for the past weekend. And they don't know when he will be able to come home. The human heart. Fragile in both physicality and metaphor...
I need a holiday. I need to get away and I need to be in nature. My break is almost starting and I look forward to just feel. To be and to feel and to reconnect with what matters.
Tis all for now.
Peace and love,h