Geez I am way tired.
It is about 1AM and I am still up doing work. Havn't rested this weekend and I won't be able to either. I will have to go to bed soon and then get up way early and work to the early morning hours agin. In fact this will be my entire week. I hope I cope. I bet I will. People arn't such pussies as we liek to believe.
I know I havnt' posted like in a few days. I think this is the longest gap ever between my post.
At least I got some kewl news. I do not know if I am allowed to share, so for now it is my little secret.
Peace, love and apologies,
xXx
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Ready, steady, FAIL
As u guys know I am still not out to my parents.
After this weekend and all that went with it I decided yesterday to write a letter to them. I have chosen this as my method of coming out. I will address one letter to both of them.
May seem silly for two reason:
I have not written the letter. I have only committed to it. This is a big step for me. In the past I would just not think about it. Yeah sure I would think about it, but not with the intention of following through as this time.
The second reason this may seem silly is because I have chosen a letter. Some may think this cowardly. I have taken this into consideration, but I have come to the conclusion that it would be in fact the best method/medium.
Here are my reasons:
1) I want to let them know all my thoughts and feelings - I am scared that I would forget something out. One only gets this one oppertunity to do it right.
2) I will have one of the following two reactions if a conversation would take place: I would be tactless, too forceful or I would cry so much that i would appear weak. The second one I will not allow. I do not want to seem millitant when I they hear the news. I want them to see that I am their loving son.
3) I am planning to go away for a weekend and leaving the letter to them. This will give all parties the oppertunity to clear their minds and gather their thoughts, before we speak about it in person. Also, in the event that I am disowned it would be less awkward as I could just not come back. (Yeah I am packing my Mac lolz)
3) I am good with words as a method of justification and clarification. I will make them understand.
Now what i want to know is how foolish, insensitive and selfish am I being?
I mean fuck I the one living in fear here not them...
Come to think of it if one makes the step to come it u activly make a conscious decision that u are willing to loose ur family.
As hard as this is I see no other way. I have to be true to myself.
Nway so I have a off day today and had to do so much work, but I got obsessed witth the letter. This morning I had to go to the bank and then drop my dad at work cause my car went in for a service and my mom wants a car at home all the time. When we walked into the bank he nudged me and said: "Did u check that queer?" It was obviously said in a negative tone of voice.
So once again my inspiration to write the letter has vanished. BTW I have thought about reading the letter out loud to them. But in an attempt not to cry I will be blocking out any emotion. It will not work. I do not want to be cold.
FML..wait...not so much I am such a happy person who is blessed and I am extremly grateful for everything in my life.
I feel the beauty around me and I sing
Peace and love,
xXx
After this weekend and all that went with it I decided yesterday to write a letter to them. I have chosen this as my method of coming out. I will address one letter to both of them.
May seem silly for two reason:
I have not written the letter. I have only committed to it. This is a big step for me. In the past I would just not think about it. Yeah sure I would think about it, but not with the intention of following through as this time.
The second reason this may seem silly is because I have chosen a letter. Some may think this cowardly. I have taken this into consideration, but I have come to the conclusion that it would be in fact the best method/medium.
Here are my reasons:
1) I want to let them know all my thoughts and feelings - I am scared that I would forget something out. One only gets this one oppertunity to do it right.
2) I will have one of the following two reactions if a conversation would take place: I would be tactless, too forceful or I would cry so much that i would appear weak. The second one I will not allow. I do not want to seem millitant when I they hear the news. I want them to see that I am their loving son.
3) I am planning to go away for a weekend and leaving the letter to them. This will give all parties the oppertunity to clear their minds and gather their thoughts, before we speak about it in person. Also, in the event that I am disowned it would be less awkward as I could just not come back. (Yeah I am packing my Mac lolz)
3) I am good with words as a method of justification and clarification. I will make them understand.
Now what i want to know is how foolish, insensitive and selfish am I being?
I mean fuck I the one living in fear here not them...
Come to think of it if one makes the step to come it u activly make a conscious decision that u are willing to loose ur family.
As hard as this is I see no other way. I have to be true to myself.
Nway so I have a off day today and had to do so much work, but I got obsessed witth the letter. This morning I had to go to the bank and then drop my dad at work cause my car went in for a service and my mom wants a car at home all the time. When we walked into the bank he nudged me and said: "Did u check that queer?" It was obviously said in a negative tone of voice.
So once again my inspiration to write the letter has vanished. BTW I have thought about reading the letter out loud to them. But in an attempt not to cry I will be blocking out any emotion. It will not work. I do not want to be cold.
FML..wait...not so much I am such a happy person who is blessed and I am extremly grateful for everything in my life.
I feel the beauty around me and I sing
Peace and love,
xXx
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Third time lucky?!
Guess who has been a naughty boy...
So I had the most amazingly lekker weekend! It was so much fun and now I have so much work to do until next Friday that I am gonna declare an official code red status in my life.
Bleh!
Actually, WAIT! I don't mind - I LOVE WHAT I DO SO MUCH!!!! It is not work. It is creating art. Wow! I am such a lucky boy. I do what I love.
Nway back to naughty boy Joshy. I had the flat warming on Friday, remember?! Well let us just say we kinda robbed a liquor store. (Legal drinking age in SA = 18) Between the 7 of us we had:
5 liters of punch
3 bottles vodka
2 bottles champagne/sparkling wine
1 bottle wine
A few beers after we decided to go to a club...
Sounds like new years, right?! Well it basically was for me...haha! By ten the security had called and gave us a warning for making too much noise. This was after a girl broke down the bathroom door ahahah! So random. She is so petite we didn't think it possible. This same girl later the evening rolled down a hill for about a minute. We were laughing so hard we just let her roll to the end of it. It was priceless!
Got quite a surprise when a police van pulled up next to us. But soon we heard they are just scouting the area for some fucking drug dealers or whatever. Yay SA! Lolz!
Nway, the best part of the night had to be my new fav pardy trick! Before we left for the club someone appointed me as "Vodka boy". This entailed me walking around and pouring ludicrous amounts of vodka down willing people's throat. I was like "And what do I get out of it?" The answer: "A kiss"... So then I got the idea: Every person that takes a sip has to kiss me.
So this one girl took a sip. We kiss. The next one lined up. We kiss. Then the third one was a boy. I was LIKE FUCK YEAH!!!! I gave him vodka. I Look at him. He smiled. I went in for the kill. Lol! It was honestly kinda hot and not as slutty as it sounds. Meh, all in good fun though!
Haha the same girl that did all those stupidly funny thing during the night apparently thought this too much for her so while I was on top of the boy she came running towards me screaming: "No no no lol don't don't...ur bi ur bi!" At this point the entire room broke into wild laughter haha shame she is so sweet. She isn't a homophobe though I think she was just shocked cause she didn't know about me and she was one of the girls that I had kissed.
OoOoOO, btw I was the boy's first guy action ever. Yay me - I broke in a boy! Gosh, he was lank hot! Grrrrr!
Fuckz what a great night!
On Saturday they all came to my town and we went out again, but we all got tired and went home early. Was still fun. One of my (str8) guy friends slept over and it was all fun! Then today I had to visit all my other friends cause I won't be seeing them soon. So it took me 5 trips to go round everyone. I feel blessed to even say that. I have so much friends. I love them.
Life is good.
Peace and love,
xXx
So I had the most amazingly lekker weekend! It was so much fun and now I have so much work to do until next Friday that I am gonna declare an official code red status in my life.
Bleh!
Actually, WAIT! I don't mind - I LOVE WHAT I DO SO MUCH!!!! It is not work. It is creating art. Wow! I am such a lucky boy. I do what I love.
Nway back to naughty boy Joshy. I had the flat warming on Friday, remember?! Well let us just say we kinda robbed a liquor store. (Legal drinking age in SA = 18) Between the 7 of us we had:
5 liters of punch
3 bottles vodka
2 bottles champagne/sparkling wine
1 bottle wine
A few beers after we decided to go to a club...
Sounds like new years, right?! Well it basically was for me...haha! By ten the security had called and gave us a warning for making too much noise. This was after a girl broke down the bathroom door ahahah! So random. She is so petite we didn't think it possible. This same girl later the evening rolled down a hill for about a minute. We were laughing so hard we just let her roll to the end of it. It was priceless!
Got quite a surprise when a police van pulled up next to us. But soon we heard they are just scouting the area for some fucking drug dealers or whatever. Yay SA! Lolz!
Nway, the best part of the night had to be my new fav pardy trick! Before we left for the club someone appointed me as "Vodka boy". This entailed me walking around and pouring ludicrous amounts of vodka down willing people's throat. I was like "And what do I get out of it?" The answer: "A kiss"... So then I got the idea: Every person that takes a sip has to kiss me.
So this one girl took a sip. We kiss. The next one lined up. We kiss. Then the third one was a boy. I was LIKE FUCK YEAH!!!! I gave him vodka. I Look at him. He smiled. I went in for the kill. Lol! It was honestly kinda hot and not as slutty as it sounds. Meh, all in good fun though!
Haha the same girl that did all those stupidly funny thing during the night apparently thought this too much for her so while I was on top of the boy she came running towards me screaming: "No no no lol don't don't...ur bi ur bi!" At this point the entire room broke into wild laughter haha shame she is so sweet. She isn't a homophobe though I think she was just shocked cause she didn't know about me and she was one of the girls that I had kissed.
OoOoOO, btw I was the boy's first guy action ever. Yay me - I broke in a boy! Gosh, he was lank hot! Grrrrr!
Fuckz what a great night!
On Saturday they all came to my town and we went out again, but we all got tired and went home early. Was still fun. One of my (str8) guy friends slept over and it was all fun! Then today I had to visit all my other friends cause I won't be seeing them soon. So it took me 5 trips to go round everyone. I feel blessed to even say that. I have so much friends. I love them.
Life is good.
Peace and love,
xXx
Thursday, February 18, 2010
17.8
Toy shop
Not just any old toy shop. Today I ventured into the unknown. Me and a friend went to an adult supply shop. Lolz. I was so freakin nervous when we approached it. Haha how stupid and paranoid can one be?! But I mean imagine how awkward it would be if u spot someone u know lolz!!!!
Nway was browsing through the toys and OMG I want one lolz. Didn't buy anything = was just window shopping and all. Lolz. I first have to find a place to hide the stupid thing. Lol. Saw one that is urm cute lolz. It is purple and 17,8 cm lolz OMG WTF!!! ME = WHORE!!!!
Got a nice compliment today. A girl I am friends with said to me that she and another person had discussed me the previous day. She told me that they came to the conclusion that I "fill up a pair of jeans damn good". YAY ME!!!!
I have to go write three reviews so maybe I'll post some more later.
I skipped my idea for the post today. If i get time later I will post it. I am kinda keen to share it with u.
Okay ladies see u later.
Peace and love,
xXx
Not just any old toy shop. Today I ventured into the unknown. Me and a friend went to an adult supply shop. Lolz. I was so freakin nervous when we approached it. Haha how stupid and paranoid can one be?! But I mean imagine how awkward it would be if u spot someone u know lolz!!!!
Nway was browsing through the toys and OMG I want one lolz. Didn't buy anything = was just window shopping and all. Lolz. I first have to find a place to hide the stupid thing. Lol. Saw one that is urm cute lolz. It is purple and 17,8 cm lolz OMG WTF!!! ME = WHORE!!!!
Got a nice compliment today. A girl I am friends with said to me that she and another person had discussed me the previous day. She told me that they came to the conclusion that I "fill up a pair of jeans damn good". YAY ME!!!!
I have to go write three reviews so maybe I'll post some more later.
I skipped my idea for the post today. If i get time later I will post it. I am kinda keen to share it with u.
Okay ladies see u later.
Peace and love,
xXx
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The music
I am so hyped right now!!!
As u well know by now my entire existance is soley dependant on music. It is in every fibe of my being. The reason that I am so amped is beacuse I just discovvered my fm transmiter in my closet. So now I can use my USB in the car agian. This is so awesome - esspecially seeing that I have a 2 hour commute everyday. Music is what keeps me sane.
I thought I would give u guys all the oppertunity to name one of ur fav songs of all time or just a song that u like at the moment and I will include this on my playlist! Yay!
I am planning what I think is a kewl post for tomorow. It will require some interactivity. I hope that u guys wil buy into it. If not FML and then we die. Haha!
So Thursday and Friday is 9-5 uni for me and then on Friday evening I have a flat warming at one of my girl friends' flat. There will be at least two gay guys. EECK! Nervous a bit. I usually get attention and then I don't know how to cope with it. I think I'll just start drinking well before they arrive. Then I will be lank willing to chat them up whahah! Social lubricant of choice: Vodka!
Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy...
P.S. Welcome Robert!
Cheers vir eers
Peace and love,
xXx
As u well know by now my entire existance is soley dependant on music. It is in every fibe of my being. The reason that I am so amped is beacuse I just discovvered my fm transmiter in my closet. So now I can use my USB in the car agian. This is so awesome - esspecially seeing that I have a 2 hour commute everyday. Music is what keeps me sane.
I thought I would give u guys all the oppertunity to name one of ur fav songs of all time or just a song that u like at the moment and I will include this on my playlist! Yay!
I am planning what I think is a kewl post for tomorow. It will require some interactivity. I hope that u guys wil buy into it. If not FML and then we die. Haha!
So Thursday and Friday is 9-5 uni for me and then on Friday evening I have a flat warming at one of my girl friends' flat. There will be at least two gay guys. EECK! Nervous a bit. I usually get attention and then I don't know how to cope with it. I think I'll just start drinking well before they arrive. Then I will be lank willing to chat them up whahah! Social lubricant of choice: Vodka!
Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy...
P.S. Welcome Robert!
Cheers vir eers
Peace and love,
xXx
Today's post: Part two
Hey this is just to let u guys know that I have put up a new poll.
So please go and vote if u feel like it. I already did!
Be sure to check out my previous post of the day!
Peacer and love,
xXx
So please go and vote if u feel like it. I already did!
Be sure to check out my previous post of the day!
Peacer and love,
xXx
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Cuties are everywhere
Well hello good people of blogworld!
What an interesting day...so far! Decided to go into uni earlier to get some much needed work done. Didn't happen. I got there and was feeling so social that I ended up having a great chat with all my friends! Good times!
OMW! One of my gf's got this one amazingly cute guy to come speak with us. So I have one big ass crush on his cute face! And so I spoke with him and we teased the girl and he laughed at all my jokes. EGO BOOST! Lolz! So that was all good and well! ;-p
Then I had three hours of boring class and had do go do a exercise which took me hours. So I got home at 21h. Bleh FML! Would have been here much earlier but this girl asked me for a lift, cause her mother's car broke down. It took me 40min to drop her, but bleh it is okay - my good deed for the day.
Ah more boy news rather!? There is this 4th year at my uni and he is also a model. Gawd he is one of the most amazing creations I have ever seen! And I get the oppertunity of seeing him almost everyday. It makes my life so much better. Don't get me wrong. looks ain't everything, but I study art for a living and he is a damn masterpiece. *Drools*
Meh, bleh, pfft! Have some essay to do tonight still, but yeah I'll leave that for later. I wanted to post first and keep u guys up to date.
I am still obsessed with my iMac. It has increased my life quality so much lolz! Just sux - my external hard drive is not compatible with mac so geez there goes some more money down the drain. Lolz. Maybe I should make it my dirty PC porn storage. O, wait I don't watch porn. (No not like never, but I am just over it for now. To much of a good thing, eh?)
Nway fuckers. I'll leave ya to it. I have to go read ur stuff now, so I'm off.
P.S. Welcome GMB!
Peace and love,
xXx
What an interesting day...so far! Decided to go into uni earlier to get some much needed work done. Didn't happen. I got there and was feeling so social that I ended up having a great chat with all my friends! Good times!
OMW! One of my gf's got this one amazingly cute guy to come speak with us. So I have one big ass crush on his cute face! And so I spoke with him and we teased the girl and he laughed at all my jokes. EGO BOOST! Lolz! So that was all good and well! ;-p
Then I had three hours of boring class and had do go do a exercise which took me hours. So I got home at 21h. Bleh FML! Would have been here much earlier but this girl asked me for a lift, cause her mother's car broke down. It took me 40min to drop her, but bleh it is okay - my good deed for the day.
Ah more boy news rather!? There is this 4th year at my uni and he is also a model. Gawd he is one of the most amazing creations I have ever seen! And I get the oppertunity of seeing him almost everyday. It makes my life so much better. Don't get me wrong. looks ain't everything, but I study art for a living and he is a damn masterpiece. *Drools*
Meh, bleh, pfft! Have some essay to do tonight still, but yeah I'll leave that for later. I wanted to post first and keep u guys up to date.
I am still obsessed with my iMac. It has increased my life quality so much lolz! Just sux - my external hard drive is not compatible with mac so geez there goes some more money down the drain. Lolz. Maybe I should make it my dirty PC porn storage. O, wait I don't watch porn. (No not like never, but I am just over it for now. To much of a good thing, eh?)
Nway fuckers. I'll leave ya to it. I have to go read ur stuff now, so I'm off.
P.S. Welcome GMB!
Peace and love,
xXx
Monday, February 15, 2010
My first...
So I have been running this blog since the end of December. Usually I get about 30 hits if I am lucky. But today this has changed a bit. I have had over 100 hits already. This is quite puzzling to me. Obviously someone mentioned me and that person has got to be very popular loz!
So after playing Sherlock Holmes (aka Sam told me) I found that the person responsible for this surge of interest is Seth!
Seth u are freakin AWESOME! THANX MAN!
So come on, let me entertain u!
A while back I gave my followers carte blanche to suggest a topic for a post. I will start with one today.
My firsts
My first time getting my hair coloured: 13
The first time I was operated on: 3 Weeks old
My first crush: Age 7
My first time kissing a girl: 17
My first time driving a car: 18
My first time kissing a guy: 16
My first time being drunk: 12
My first time going away from home alone: 12
My first time...ya know: 16
My first time admitting my sexuality: 15
My first time eating sushi: 17 (MY FAV FOOD!!!)
First time watching porn: 12
My firt million: bleh fml still working on it.
Mkay, that seems like enough for now. If u wanna know more feel free to ask in the comments section and I will prolly oblige u with an answer.
On a different note, my uni is getting quite hectic. this term ends on April 1. By then I still have left to do:
21 Assignments
3 tests/exams
6 Presentations
2 Shoots
So imma be a busy boy this next month. But don\t fear I will still post very often. As u know by now I am quite addicted to u...
P.S. This is my second post for the day!
Peace and love,
xXx
So after playing Sherlock Holmes (aka Sam told me) I found that the person responsible for this surge of interest is Seth!
Seth u are freakin AWESOME! THANX MAN!
So come on, let me entertain u!
A while back I gave my followers carte blanche to suggest a topic for a post. I will start with one today.
My firsts
My first time getting my hair coloured: 13
The first time I was operated on: 3 Weeks old
My first crush: Age 7
My first time kissing a girl: 17
My first time driving a car: 18
My first time kissing a guy: 16
My first time being drunk: 12
My first time going away from home alone: 12
My first time...ya know: 16
My first time admitting my sexuality: 15
My first time eating sushi: 17 (MY FAV FOOD!!!)
First time watching porn: 12
My firt million: bleh fml still working on it.
Mkay, that seems like enough for now. If u wanna know more feel free to ask in the comments section and I will prolly oblige u with an answer.
On a different note, my uni is getting quite hectic. this term ends on April 1. By then I still have left to do:
21 Assignments
3 tests/exams
6 Presentations
2 Shoots
So imma be a busy boy this next month. But don\t fear I will still post very often. As u know by now I am quite addicted to u...
P.S. This is my second post for the day!
Peace and love,
xXx
OMG YUMMY
Okay guys this will be a very short post. I am quite busy and have loads of work to do. I am planning on making a decent post later on tonight, but I have to take time to pay homage to a very yummy fashion trend where I live at the moment.
Men's short shorts...
*DROOLS*
It is absurd! I am constantly facing yummy legs and I am finding it very hard to not jump them legs...
Short shorts thou art a heartless bitch!
P.S. WELCOME to michaelluke and oldmidhurstian
Peace, love and hormones,
xXx
Sunday, February 14, 2010
MAC MAC MAC
I am so in heaven right now!!!
I am typing my first official post from my new iMAC!!!!
U guys have no idea how thrilled I am. I hate my old stupid pc and stupid microsoft windows.
FUCK U FOREVER!!!!
I am so amped to get Final Cut Pro and get some majour practise in.
On another note: To all my sexy fuckers...
HAPPY V-DAY I HOPE ALL LOSE THEIR V-PLATES!
I am so single and I am so looking!
Geez this post was so lame I will try harder in the future. I am just so amped to get back to exploring my mac that I don't know what to say.
I will get to the posts u asked for in this week!
Have a great week!
P.S. Welcome Seth and Charlie!!!!
Peace and love,
xXx
I am typing my first official post from my new iMAC!!!!
U guys have no idea how thrilled I am. I hate my old stupid pc and stupid microsoft windows.
FUCK U FOREVER!!!!
I am so amped to get Final Cut Pro and get some majour practise in.
On another note: To all my sexy fuckers...
HAPPY V-DAY I HOPE ALL LOSE THEIR V-PLATES!
I am so single and I am so looking!
Geez this post was so lame I will try harder in the future. I am just so amped to get back to exploring my mac that I don't know what to say.
I will get to the posts u asked for in this week!
Have a great week!
P.S. Welcome Seth and Charlie!!!!
Peace and love,
xXx
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
A new day dawns
So today was good.
I have such a wonderful life and amazing support system. I feel like shit for not coming out to my parents. I can't believe I am doubting their response.
Today I slept in late like untill about 11h ish and then I wen to class to 17h. Came home about 18h and then we had a braai. Invited three of my galz over for some drinking and they just went home.
GREAT FUN AHEAD!!!
We rented a house by the sea for the weekend! so mommy and dad said (lolz yeah I am really 20) that I can bring two people with. So I am taking two of my fav fag hags with me lolz. They call them my "Grace". U work it out lol! Nway, mom was like "Ah gwad just don't bring some prune, I wanna have some company with spunk!"
Fuck me, I love my mom!!!
My dad added that they must each bring a bottle of vodka if they wanna get in the car.
Fuck me, I love my dad!!!
In other news!!!! I am ordering my iMac tomorrow. FML DEBT here I come. But I have to. I will just work hard and pay it off or something lolz! Any takers ;-p
So, wait I should be heading off to bed I have a full day of classes laying ahead and two meeting so...bleh!
But wait there is more: Hopefully I am not to tired after class cause I have a b-day bash at a club so I have to be full of energy cause everyone is expecting me to be the life of the pardy and I have already apparently promised the bday girl a lap dance.
FML!
Peace and love,
xXx
I have such a wonderful life and amazing support system. I feel like shit for not coming out to my parents. I can't believe I am doubting their response.
Today I slept in late like untill about 11h ish and then I wen to class to 17h. Came home about 18h and then we had a braai. Invited three of my galz over for some drinking and they just went home.
GREAT FUN AHEAD!!!
We rented a house by the sea for the weekend! so mommy and dad said (lolz yeah I am really 20) that I can bring two people with. So I am taking two of my fav fag hags with me lolz. They call them my "Grace". U work it out lol! Nway, mom was like "Ah gwad just don't bring some prune, I wanna have some company with spunk!"
Fuck me, I love my mom!!!
My dad added that they must each bring a bottle of vodka if they wanna get in the car.
Fuck me, I love my dad!!!
In other news!!!! I am ordering my iMac tomorrow. FML DEBT here I come. But I have to. I will just work hard and pay it off or something lolz! Any takers ;-p
So, wait I should be heading off to bed I have a full day of classes laying ahead and two meeting so...bleh!
But wait there is more: Hopefully I am not to tired after class cause I have a b-day bash at a club so I have to be full of energy cause everyone is expecting me to be the life of the pardy and I have already apparently promised the bday girl a lap dance.
FML!
Peace and love,
xXx
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The Hope Factor
Mission: Deconfusing the followers
Oke so I admit that I only let u guys get the bare minimal facts about what happened.
But firstly, I miss Habibi!!!
Nway, don't mind that if u don't catch it.
Okay, so nothing majours happened yesterday. Something significant did however occur. It was a pebble in my pond and I am dealing with the ripples.
I was not a fool to believe in what I did. There was always the hope factor. I was not led on explicitly, yet sometimes I actually was. But in this tale there lies much more subtle hints and flirtation...binging on my deepest desires...
Guys 6 years is a long time and as most of u will know that much effort can not be sustained without any form of "gratification".
That being said. I gave my all. I did more then most people will ever give. I have been weighed, I have been measured and I have been found wanting or whateva...
At least apparently I was considered, which means that I did do enough in order to be satisfied in my attempy and have no regrets in never having it progress any further.
Truth is he grew out of it. I never did.
But now as I stand here today and look back I can already see the cracks and the flaws and truth be told: There was/is too much between us.
I did not give up. I really didn't. I have gone a far a humanly possible.But no longer. I have to maintain a sense of self respect. I have offered my self to the extreme. I have exploited my soul. This in itself is so unhealthy. I knew this. But as I said...the hope factor...
I had a discussion yesterday. The question was raised: What is the reason behind it all? I answered: The reason lies intertwined between the future we decide upon and the past we choose to define.
I am going to be proud of myself for standing up for what i believe in. Yes I did thing I am not proud of. But and how ironic that he taught me this:
Life is too short to live blind folded with regret.
The part that freaks me most is that I am so accepting of all this. I think I have been preparing myself for over a year.
I do not accept defeat. I will only be defeated if I stay on like this any longer.
Today I am a new man.
Bleh, a young man. And I have new goals in sight.
Watch this space!
Love and peace,
xXx
Oke so I admit that I only let u guys get the bare minimal facts about what happened.
But firstly, I miss Habibi!!!
Nway, don't mind that if u don't catch it.
Okay, so nothing majours happened yesterday. Something significant did however occur. It was a pebble in my pond and I am dealing with the ripples.
I was not a fool to believe in what I did. There was always the hope factor. I was not led on explicitly, yet sometimes I actually was. But in this tale there lies much more subtle hints and flirtation...binging on my deepest desires...
Guys 6 years is a long time and as most of u will know that much effort can not be sustained without any form of "gratification".
That being said. I gave my all. I did more then most people will ever give. I have been weighed, I have been measured and I have been found wanting or whateva...
At least apparently I was considered, which means that I did do enough in order to be satisfied in my attempy and have no regrets in never having it progress any further.
Truth is he grew out of it. I never did.
But now as I stand here today and look back I can already see the cracks and the flaws and truth be told: There was/is too much between us.
I did not give up. I really didn't. I have gone a far a humanly possible.But no longer. I have to maintain a sense of self respect. I have offered my self to the extreme. I have exploited my soul. This in itself is so unhealthy. I knew this. But as I said...the hope factor...
I had a discussion yesterday. The question was raised: What is the reason behind it all? I answered: The reason lies intertwined between the future we decide upon and the past we choose to define.
I am going to be proud of myself for standing up for what i believe in. Yes I did thing I am not proud of. But and how ironic that he taught me this:
Life is too short to live blind folded with regret.
The part that freaks me most is that I am so accepting of all this. I think I have been preparing myself for over a year.
I do not accept defeat. I will only be defeated if I stay on like this any longer.
Today I am a new man.
Bleh, a young man. And I have new goals in sight.
Watch this space!
Love and peace,
xXx
Numb
I am so very much in emotional pain right now...
I've never spoken about this on here, but something just happened and I need to.
My best friend...
Oh my, where should I start...
He is the most amazing person to me in the entire world. One of only two people I would lay my life down for without thinking about it. (Mommy, if u were wondering!)
And yes duh I am in love with him.
We have been friends for over 12 years. He has such a profound influence on me. I kinda don't even know what my life would have been without him. Ludicrous.
We have gone through everything. Majour ups, downs. He is my life. I love him so fucking much.
Let us not to the marriage of true minds, eh?
I am such a fool.
I am so confused and hurt. I have been knowlingly in love with him for at least 6 years.
He knows we have had so much discussions on it.
But tonight with one sentece he crushed my world. I am feeling so numb.
This is it, Josh. The day u have been dreading for all those years. This is the night you have to let go...
...help...
I've never spoken about this on here, but something just happened and I need to.
My best friend...
Oh my, where should I start...
He is the most amazing person to me in the entire world. One of only two people I would lay my life down for without thinking about it. (Mommy, if u were wondering!)
And yes duh I am in love with him.
We have been friends for over 12 years. He has such a profound influence on me. I kinda don't even know what my life would have been without him. Ludicrous.
We have gone through everything. Majour ups, downs. He is my life. I love him so fucking much.
Let us not to the marriage of true minds, eh?
I am such a fool.
I am so confused and hurt. I have been knowlingly in love with him for at least 6 years.
He knows we have had so much discussions on it.
But tonight with one sentece he crushed my world. I am feeling so numb.
This is it, Josh. The day u have been dreading for all those years. This is the night you have to let go...
...help...
Monday, February 8, 2010
3000
YAY what a nice bday gift guys - 3000 hits lolz!
Well I know people like MeMyselfndMyHand gets that in an hour lolz, but to me this is so freakin awesome!!! To think some people take time out of their day to read my blog makes me feel very special and I am honoured!!!
U GUYS ROCK!!!
As my belated birthday present to u I am giving the wheel over to my followers:
PAM PAM PAM (lolz)
Everyone that wants can leave a topic for a post in the comments section and then I shall blog about it.
U have carte blanche!
Can't wait!!!
Peace and love,
xXx
Well I know people like MeMyselfndMyHand gets that in an hour lolz, but to me this is so freakin awesome!!! To think some people take time out of their day to read my blog makes me feel very special and I am honoured!!!
U GUYS ROCK!!!
As my belated birthday present to u I am giving the wheel over to my followers:
PAM PAM PAM (lolz)
Everyone that wants can leave a topic for a post in the comments section and then I shall blog about it.
U have carte blanche!
Can't wait!!!
Peace and love,
xXx
Sunday, February 7, 2010
20
Two decades old...
Meh...I don't know what to make of it. I think I have a bit of a midlife crisis or something haha! Silly me!
So I have been a bit quite his month. Only three posts so far. This will prolly happen from time to time I guess.
On Friday I had a uni pardy and it was awesome I really did enjoy it very very much... I smoked as well. Fuck I wish I could stop myself when I get like that, but bleh, mom always says u have to die from something so...ahah
Had a lot of people over today for a braai and so forth. It was nice. Unfortunatly my dad was called out to work cause a machine caught fire and it started to burn down a field. He is a project manager and seeing that it is his project he obviously had to go. So I havn't seen him today.
My brother and his girl also called from overseas to congratulate me. Gosh it is always so awkward to have such conversations over the phone haha!
Gift wise it was not such a good year hehe. But meh I don't really mind cause it is much appreciated. All I mean is that if they took any time to ask me some shit over the past 20 years they would know that I am not that much of a chocolate eater lolz >>> I have a pile of chocolates strewn all over my room hah!
Nway bloggers, hope u all have a great day.
Peace! and Love!
xXx
Meh...I don't know what to make of it. I think I have a bit of a midlife crisis or something haha! Silly me!
So I have been a bit quite his month. Only three posts so far. This will prolly happen from time to time I guess.
On Friday I had a uni pardy and it was awesome I really did enjoy it very very much... I smoked as well. Fuck I wish I could stop myself when I get like that, but bleh, mom always says u have to die from something so...ahah
Had a lot of people over today for a braai and so forth. It was nice. Unfortunatly my dad was called out to work cause a machine caught fire and it started to burn down a field. He is a project manager and seeing that it is his project he obviously had to go. So I havn't seen him today.
My brother and his girl also called from overseas to congratulate me. Gosh it is always so awkward to have such conversations over the phone haha!
Gift wise it was not such a good year hehe. But meh I don't really mind cause it is much appreciated. All I mean is that if they took any time to ask me some shit over the past 20 years they would know that I am not that much of a chocolate eater lolz >>> I have a pile of chocolates strewn all over my room hah!
Nway bloggers, hope u all have a great day.
Peace! and Love!
xXx
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I'm sick of it
Nero Linguistic Programming
Bleh! Yesterday at uni we had this lecturer for a 2 hour session. This totally fucked me up good. After the lesson I had to drive home for 2 hours in traffic and the combo of this just made me physically sick. I was really down in the dumps...
After using the technique named above the lecturer started this program with us that challenged us to define our life goal. OMG!!! He crushed about half of our "confused undefined goals and dreams" and psycho-analyzed a lot of us in front of everyone. I'm am prolly being a bit sensitive, but I think this is quite inappropriate.
If u are wonderng why his "effect" on me "affected" me so much...drum roll please:
My goal: To one day die with a heart full of love and appreciation.
Seriously, that is my ultimate life goal.
How can ur life goal be to die?
On my way home I gave a girl a lift home and for the two hours we spoke about the session and this shifted to our religious believes and my sexuality and when I got home I had to take some paracetamol pills to stop my body from tripping out.
I was nauseous, sore, had headache cold fever, upset stomach etc... Why was this happening?
I know why...it is because I feel I am living a lie. And eventhoug my life goal is somewhat absurd to most it is what I want. And I will not achieve it as long as I being dishonest to people about my sexuality.
My greatest obstacle in life at the moment is myself.
Guys, the thing is my parents won't disown me or throw me out of the house...
I just kinda feel it. They would still love me. They would acknowledge it, even though they may never accept it. I am content with this.
I am truly comfortable with my sexuality. I know who I am and what I like and what I don't like.
So why don't I tell them...
Because:
I just can't stand the idea of crushing them. They will be so confused, sad, angry, scared and all at the same time.
And I one of the main things would be the "embarrassment" they would have to suffer at the hand of some of their friends and colleagues. I know they will defend me if the need be, but I don't want to create this issue for them. It is not their battle to fight.
Anyway, so when I got home I was ready to just go into a state of depro, but I couldn't cause I invited about 14 people to our home to meet my German friends. So I had to be a good host and run the show.
I didn't know how I would be able to get through the night, but then something amazing happened...
My family came together in the most amazing way. The atmosphere was warm, loving and cosy and we had a great night! I think the Germans was really intrigued by the whole evening. I even found the guy just staring at what was going on most of the time. I found myself doing the same.
And at that moment all the stress just floated out of my body...and I felt loved...
I love my family...wow did I just say this? This would be the first time in my 19, almost 20 years of living that I said this...
So after they all went home I was just so tired and calm that I fell asleep almost immediately. I decided to stay home for today and tomorrow and just gather myself and relax for a bit. So maybe tonight I am joining the Germans for dinner at my fav restaurant in the world.
Life really does seem awesome.
I really do think I have one of the best lives one could ever whish for.
I am that guy.
I just need to get out and be honest, before I am become the architect of my own disaster...
for those of you that is intrigued by NLP here is a link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming
Peace and love,
xXx
Bleh! Yesterday at uni we had this lecturer for a 2 hour session. This totally fucked me up good. After the lesson I had to drive home for 2 hours in traffic and the combo of this just made me physically sick. I was really down in the dumps...
After using the technique named above the lecturer started this program with us that challenged us to define our life goal. OMG!!! He crushed about half of our "confused undefined goals and dreams" and psycho-analyzed a lot of us in front of everyone. I'm am prolly being a bit sensitive, but I think this is quite inappropriate.
If u are wonderng why his "effect" on me "affected" me so much...drum roll please:
My goal: To one day die with a heart full of love and appreciation.
Seriously, that is my ultimate life goal.
How can ur life goal be to die?
On my way home I gave a girl a lift home and for the two hours we spoke about the session and this shifted to our religious believes and my sexuality and when I got home I had to take some paracetamol pills to stop my body from tripping out.
I was nauseous, sore, had headache cold fever, upset stomach etc... Why was this happening?
I know why...it is because I feel I am living a lie. And eventhoug my life goal is somewhat absurd to most it is what I want. And I will not achieve it as long as I being dishonest to people about my sexuality.
My greatest obstacle in life at the moment is myself.
Guys, the thing is my parents won't disown me or throw me out of the house...
I just kinda feel it. They would still love me. They would acknowledge it, even though they may never accept it. I am content with this.
I am truly comfortable with my sexuality. I know who I am and what I like and what I don't like.
So why don't I tell them...
Because:
I just can't stand the idea of crushing them. They will be so confused, sad, angry, scared and all at the same time.
And I one of the main things would be the "embarrassment" they would have to suffer at the hand of some of their friends and colleagues. I know they will defend me if the need be, but I don't want to create this issue for them. It is not their battle to fight.
Anyway, so when I got home I was ready to just go into a state of depro, but I couldn't cause I invited about 14 people to our home to meet my German friends. So I had to be a good host and run the show.
I didn't know how I would be able to get through the night, but then something amazing happened...
My family came together in the most amazing way. The atmosphere was warm, loving and cosy and we had a great night! I think the Germans was really intrigued by the whole evening. I even found the guy just staring at what was going on most of the time. I found myself doing the same.
And at that moment all the stress just floated out of my body...and I felt loved...
I love my family...wow did I just say this? This would be the first time in my 19, almost 20 years of living that I said this...
So after they all went home I was just so tired and calm that I fell asleep almost immediately. I decided to stay home for today and tomorrow and just gather myself and relax for a bit. So maybe tonight I am joining the Germans for dinner at my fav restaurant in the world.
Life really does seem awesome.
I really do think I have one of the best lives one could ever whish for.
I am that guy.
I just need to get out and be honest, before I am become the architect of my own disaster...
for those of you that is intrigued by NLP here is a link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming
Peace and love,
xXx
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Sleep when ur dead
Hey guys!!!
Firstly, welcome Anton! He is the latest follower. Thanx for taking the time!
Bleh! What an awesomely active past two days I have had! So uni has started and I found out today that I got into all the classes that I wanted to take! So amped! This means I will defnitly need a Mac. So I am contacting a few connectiona and will prolly order it by the weekend. FML. I really don't have the money for it. I will have to take out a loan, but if I wanna take my studies seriously I will have to do this.
Went out on Monday evening with some German friends that are visiting and ended up going hom after 3AM and had to get up at 5h30AM!!!! SO tired, but had a great jol!
Nway, on a more sombre note something stupid happened. One of my best uni friends is a lesbian. And someone started this lame rumour saying that she is apparently telling everyone that she kissed this other girl. Now this is not true, cause my friend is in the closet. So why would she tell people that? Anyway, so it became a big story on campus: HOW CHILDISH! She was in a state. I felt so sorry for her. People can be so fucking stupid sometimes GRRRR!!!
So the new first year arrived! AND OMG I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS ONE CUTIE! He has pich black messy hair is lean and has the sexiest legs. SO YUMMY! I have decided I am gonna perve on him and offer him private tutor lessons ahaha! That is if I manage to pluck up the courage to talk to him >>> See usually when I am hot for someone I get so silly and shy ahah! But, sighs, I would love to hold his hand! And maybe show him the ropes, ya know?!
P.S. When someone rocks a mowhawk they rock my world lolz!
Nway!!!!
Peace and love,
xXx
Firstly, welcome Anton! He is the latest follower. Thanx for taking the time!
Bleh! What an awesomely active past two days I have had! So uni has started and I found out today that I got into all the classes that I wanted to take! So amped! This means I will defnitly need a Mac. So I am contacting a few connectiona and will prolly order it by the weekend. FML. I really don't have the money for it. I will have to take out a loan, but if I wanna take my studies seriously I will have to do this.
Went out on Monday evening with some German friends that are visiting and ended up going hom after 3AM and had to get up at 5h30AM!!!! SO tired, but had a great jol!
Nway, on a more sombre note something stupid happened. One of my best uni friends is a lesbian. And someone started this lame rumour saying that she is apparently telling everyone that she kissed this other girl. Now this is not true, cause my friend is in the closet. So why would she tell people that? Anyway, so it became a big story on campus: HOW CHILDISH! She was in a state. I felt so sorry for her. People can be so fucking stupid sometimes GRRRR!!!
So the new first year arrived! AND OMG I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS ONE CUTIE! He has pich black messy hair is lean and has the sexiest legs. SO YUMMY! I have decided I am gonna perve on him and offer him private tutor lessons ahaha! That is if I manage to pluck up the courage to talk to him >>> See usually when I am hot for someone I get so silly and shy ahah! But, sighs, I would love to hold his hand! And maybe show him the ropes, ya know?!
P.S. When someone rocks a mowhawk they rock my world lolz!
Nway!!!!
Peace and love,
xXx
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