100

I cant really believe I made it.

100 Posts...

Wow! I never thought I would be able to stick around for so long. With all the other blogs closing down i thought I would be gone by now too. But NAH! This is such a great great escape for me. Although I have started posting less I still feel the need to blog every now and then. So I don't think I'll be gone too soon.

So geez. The blog turned one year old the other day. It feels longer ago that I started this. So much has happened. I CAME OUT! And I kid u not when saying that creating this blog lead to the best experience of my life - without a doubt. I met someone via my blog. We met up. We fell In love. He is the love of my life...unfortunately life happened and we aren't together anymore.

Distance.

Meh. I love airports. I hate airports. I'll never forget that day I had to say goodbye to you... Some days it keeps playing over and over in my mind, I tried to be so strong, cause u were gonna be alone after u left. But as u vanished behind the corner I had a complete breakdown. People were staring at me like I was demented. I struggled to walk to the car and kinda hyperventilated for a few minutes. I remember vividly looking into the face of an older woman and seeing her eyes tear up. I'll never forget her face.

I still remember the last kiss. The tears streaming between us. I still remember the last time I touched ur hand and the last look we gave each other. I remember not being able to stop thinking about u and the smile u put on my face when u called me from the plane. Trying to fight the tears as much as u could... I love u so much.

Will I ever see you again?

It is now six months later and yut I only keep loving u more. And I know that u say I should move on. But I can't help how I feel. U have been the best thing in my life. And I would give anything to hold u again. U have been one of the best friends in my life and I will never ever ever forget what u did for me. U helped me so much as a person. U helped me grow to such an extent that I cannot describe it.

You are so beautiful to me.

I love you...

Urm there has also been a lot of other people that has played such a big role in my life. U guys mean so much to me. U are there for me when no one else is around and I love u guys for that. I learn so much from u and I'm sure I would have been way worse off if I did not have the privilege to know u all. Im gonna mention a fe people that come to my mind atm. Please do not feel offended if I leave u out cause I am in a bit of a state, so my mind isn't functioning that well. Don't worry It is happy tears >.<


Tyler, I know we aren't close or anything. But I have told u before that u were the first blog that I ever read. U were my inspiration for starting to bthis journey. Thank you so much for ur contribution.

Charlie. U vanished from the face of the earth. But I still just want to thank u for all the fun times we had. Ur such a nice guy and I hope that ur doing okay?

Tim. I know we aren't on the best of terms atm, but u have meant so so so so much too me over the past year. I hope that we will soon rekindle the friendship that means so much to I think both of us. Thank u for always being there any listening to my stupidity.

Wayner. What would we do without u? Ur the go to guy of the gay blog world. Sometimes I feel my posts are too silly to publish. But then knowing that u will leave a comment makes me do it anyway. Ur support and advice goes a long way.

AJ. Although u have left blogging world, u haven't left my heart. I love our chats and I love ur sense of humour. As u know music is my life and I love the fact that u always love to tell me that I have no taste in music. AJ FTW lolz! I miss u! Get ur butt on MSN more often. Hope all is well.

Sammy. I honestly hope I helped with the confusion u had ;-p U have been the greatest friend and have stood by me through thick and thin. U are such an inspiration to me. I want to be better. And I have u to thank for that.

NIc. U are one of the nicest guys i've met through this journey. U are so supportive and kind and fun! And u come with ur alterego! (BTW BEST LINK EVER ;-p). Ur relationship with Domi makes me filled with jealousy and hope at the same time. U make it all seem fine. U make it seems possible for all of us. I hope u stay strong!

Oliver. Oh Cupcake. What else can I say other then Waka Waka? Pretty much sums up our thang. U have to be the sweetest little thing. I hope that ur inevitable coming out will go as planned and that u snatch a hot French boy with v-neck t-shirts ;-p. And ffs! Go get a pink shirt! XD I am thinking of u and ur fam and I hope that ur dads operation will go without a hitch. And I hope ur mom learns how to close the door behind her haha! Mwah!


Also, then just a last shout out to all of my Twitter buddies. U guys make life so much more entertaining! Thanx for keeping me company in the wee hours of the morning!


I truly love being a part of this community. It is proof that it actually does get better.


As always

PEACE AND LOVE

xXx


P.S This is my actual 100th post and not the 99th seeing as I deleted a previous post. Just saying ;-p

REPOST

I just read the follwoing post and I felt I wanted to post the link to it here on my blog. I think every gay guy can relate to this. I think we all went through this at some point...

http://gophunkyourself.blogspot.com/2010/12/on-sexuality.html

GOFUNKURSELF FTW!

Peace and love

xXx

MERRY XMAS

So I missed my one year bloggyversary! Well I did know about it. But I didn't really feel like posting anything. I'll compile some sort of something as a treat for u guys later on when I am in the mood ^_^

So it is the 24th of December. I don't really want any gift at all. Like I got enough from my family and friends throughout the year. It would be such a shame to spend more on me. And I didn't get anyone gift from myself only. I like clubbed with my parents to get people better gifts rather than two crappy gifts.

So we are heading to my brother's gf's family for Old Xmas Eve dinner. And then tomorrow a lot of guest will be hosted at our house. It is usually fun and I am looking forward to it. Yeah. Although I do not consider myself religious I do appreciate the fact that Xmas brings people together. So that it is all good and well.

On another note. I made a new gay friend. We are planning to go catch a movie early next year. He is very cute, but I don't think he wud become more than a hookup in the future - if it even goes that far. Nway, it is always nice to have someone who understands u.

I am sorry for not posting more often. This is more said to myself. I really do enjoy blogging. Thing is I don't want to bore with tedious posts. Much like this one. Nway I wanted to post. Cause I miss u guys. So here is a kewl video for ur enjoyment!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0LtUX_6IXY

Hope u all have a great time with family and or friends.

Speak soon

Peace and love

xXx

Waiting for Godot

So Im up still. It is 5:10am as i am typing this sentence.

Slept like three hours and then I woke up. I didn't manage to get that much sleep in this year cause of work so I think my body has adjusted to shorter sleeping patterns. Meh, I'll prolly take a nice afternoon nap later. >.<

So my bother is back. He will be here for like three months. But I think it should be fine. He is a lot better than in the future. He even liked some of my projects that I did this year. Didn't think that this day would ever come lol!

I'm working on some side project that are keeping me kinda busy, but I am learning a lot so Imma do it with a smile. I have started working hard on my work for next year. The other people are all chilling over the holiday - and I will to, but in moderation. I really want to be prepared when I walk in next year. There will be no time, so I'd rather get some shit out of the way.

So it is almost Xmas. I haven't been in the Xmas mood for the past two years. I hope it changes this time. I am not religious anymore, but I just love Xmas cause it is a time of community and love. And I think that is pretty amazing!

I have decided that I will prolly do a honours degree as to complete a undergrad degree. But I really want to go to two or if I can three European countries first. I will have a 9 week break so that would be a fine time to do that, I need to. As an artist I need to experience life. And I have IRL friends in two of the countries that I want to see. Especially one person in specific. Imma try my best to make it work. Imma speak to my mother tomorrow. She promised me if I have my first degree she will fund a trip for me. Lol, I'll have to try and make some money myself, but she will have to be my primary benefactor. I have never been granted the opportunity, nay privilege, to travel and it is kinda a defining life goals.

The prospect of getting a stamp in my passport exceeds most forms of excitement I have ever felt.

Here is to making dreams reality.

Peace and love

xXx

P.S. Almost to post 100!!!

Heya!

So I found this old questionnaire on Stephan's blog. So imma do it cause I'm bored and I think there are a few of my buds who can like get something from it.


How old were you when you first realised you were gay?
Realized, acknowledge or accepted? Realized (when looking back) prolly as early as ever. Acknowledge at 15-17. Accepted after that. Now im a proud queer boy!


Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?
Well won't the facour always be in str8 people's odds? I do have a lot of gay and bi friends though.


Biggest turn on?
Well beautiful people. I study visuals for a life. i am tought to create art and beauty so I literaaly have gasped at beautiful people. I think being beautiful is a talent.

Biggest turn off?
Childishness, moaning, bigotry, prejudice


Ever been harassed due to your orientation?
Duh


Have you ever been surprised at the reaction of people who know you are gay?
Ya, in a good way


What is the worst gay stereotype?
AIDS


Ever been to a pride rally?
No, but I'm going a massive one early next year!!! :D

Do you go to gay bars?
Ya bet ur ass I do

How old were you when you first told someone you were gay?
15


Did you plan it? If so, how?
Yus I did. I was trying o get into his pants. So i kinda blurted it out. No, it didn't get me laid lol!


What made you choose that person to tell?
See above


How did you feel?
Horny lol


Have you ever been snubbed by someone after coming out to them?
No. Lucky me.


Have you come out to your family?
ya, i guess i have. Wow. Thats kewl.


Why did you come out at that point?
Cause I invited this gorgeous and amazing boy to come visit me for an extended period of time, twice, in a very short space of time. So I wanted to be more at ease with him. (BET U DIDNT KNOW THIS MUAHAHA)


Are you out at work?
Ya, mostly hey


If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it?
Urm, well I prolly out myself mostly. i don't mind being outed though. Sometimes i even prefer it. I have nothing to loose anymore.


What advice would you give someone wanting to come out?
Do it as soon as you can - if its safe and secure.


If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how?
Only sooner. Always sooner. (came out at 20)

That is all for now.

Peace and love,

xXx

In responce

"I keyed on the fact that you seem to define everything about yourself using external sources and that the only thing that matters is how these external sources are pleasing you at the moment - kinda like a middle school girl bouncing between cliques!"

Thats a comment I got from my last post.

I think I agree with that. But what i don't neccesarilly agree about is the negative idea surrounding the way the statement was made. I'm not saying it is a good thing. I'm not saying it is a bad thing. It is just simply a thing.

I do define myself by "using external sources".

Why though?

Cause:


In order for me to place myself within context I have to evaluate me according to a standard. This standard being the projected norm of society - the external source. So ya I do have an obsession with labelling myself and things around me. I do not see this as obsessive or complusive. I just need to define a thing in order to understand it. In order to define something you have to describe it. Or as we say label. So yus I label.

Giving a label to things makes sense.

"the only thing that matters is how these external sources are pleasing you at the moment"

Yet again I do not see how this is a bad thing. I like feeling good. It is an intrinsic human want. I like being pleased and I get this pleasure from interacting in a positive manner with others. Look it is not that I conform to the requests of other. FFS! I am bisexual. If I wanted to conform I would have said I'm gay or straight.


Two things about that:

1) At this moment in my life I am bisexual. I don't care about ur theories. I am attracted t males and female, penis and vagina. If I do transition into a hetro or homo it will be a fantastic. if not - fantastic. All i am trying to say is that I do not conform.

Not that I think there is anything wrong with conforming. If it is a natural human tendency to conform then why do people see it in a bad light in anyway?

I liked being pleased by external sources yus. I prefer this above not being pleased by external sources. I also enjoy being positive in myself and being strong in myself. So I do evaluate myself against my own standard. Thats just it. In order to have my own standards I need something to compare standards with - in order to define my standard. Okay I hope this is making sense.


ANYWAY - enough about that (btw thanx for the comment)


Moving on:


Alcohol update:


I spoke to most of my friends about the issue. Their opinion is that i am not an full-fledged alcoholic, but that I am borderline. I do agree with this. I mean it has only very recently gotten out of hand. I do not have dependency or withdrawal symptoms. I did not drink for a week and then yesterday I had a pint of beer with my friends when we celebrated being done with second year. I ordered a second one, but then didn't drink it cause i felt i didn't need it. So I gave it to a friend thats kinda broke - did us both a favour.

Thing is, and say what u want, I do not want alcohol to intimidate me. If I don't drink I wud want to. So what I need to do it to relearn my boundaries and rid my body of the tolerance that it built up. So from now on I will only drink when the occasion suites it and lo longer at every opportunity that is presented. And I don't have to get drunk. See I kinda forgot this. So I will teach myself how to drink and remain in control. That is what life is all about. Balance.

Same thing applies when people go on diet. Say the person loves chocolate. they go on this silly diet and may NEVER EVER AGAIN eat chocolate. This is bullshit. If u feel like chocolate eat a fucking block of chocolate. Yut again keep it balanced. Don't devour a slab.

Reason for my drinking getting rough is anyway not the alcohol. I don't drink more than the people with me (student peers). And i was never a problem. What happened was i kinda started dealing with some emotional issues of late and therefor I went for escapism. But I got the wake up call I needed so I am dealing with the things now.

And I'm looking forward to in time sit by the beach with my budz and sip A sundowner with them, celebrating theis wonderful life...

P.S. My end of the year project turned out AMAZING and we got really really GREAT feedback form the panel.

I added the photos later cause I felt u deserved some hotness to look at for getting through this post. Enjoy the boyz from ONE DIRECTION <3

(Also, forgive me for typos - I was too lazy to check through the long post >.<)

Peace and love,

xXx

I'm an alcoholic

Sad but true.

I am an alcoholic and I'm 20 years old. Fuck. Its bad. I dont even get sober before starting to drink again.

I'm cutting all alcohol out of my life. I can't anymore. I have no self-control and I am starting to become a hassle for the people around me. I didn't really think the situation was that bad but evidently it is.

I had a complete emotional meltdown last night. Apparently I was crying for 5 hours and I stopped breathing at times.

I need to sort my life out. I need to stop loving that stupid boy.

Wish me luck. I need it.

Tralalalala

So yeah I want to moan and bitch.

So after my ex left my best friend got back. I was in love with him for like a few years. He luckily went away for 2 years. So I kinda got over him really well. Like I had thought I had moved on. I think in the event of my ex having to leave I kinda rebounded cause "it's all coming back to me now" on the best friend. This is so depressing...

I tried so hard to get a boy to like just hang out with and be fun with cause I didn't want something too heavy soon. But now that ain't happening and I'm constantly stuck with him in conversation. And it is driving me crazy.

Queer club fail. Although I LOVE going to them I mostly feel like a fail when I get home. Older guys. No wait - OLD guys always come up to me. No young guys. I don't get it. Meh

Nway gawd...meh

Nway, the boy i wanted to add of FB. I didn't. But it is making progress IRL. I'm working on it and I think maybe something will happen. And then I have another option in the pipeline. So yeah seems I am like a slut. I'm really not.

I'm just kinda emotionally confused.

Luckily my holiday start in two weeks so I can post a shit load again and try and figure things out for myself. Hopefully u guys can give a helping hand - kekeke!

So glad the year is almost done. I need chill time. Fuck. What a year. If I look back it seems impossible to have done so much. Kinda proud. This was a good year. I am growing a lot.

Peace and love,
xXX

NEED URGENT OPINION!!!!

Okay, thanx for taking the time to read this!

There is a very cute first year boy at my university that I like. We have only spoken once thanx to the fucked up printers always breaking on our campus. DUO RAGE!

Nway, after my ex I kinda lost it a bit. I'm very lonely. And I just want to like test the waters again. Nothin serious. I can't do it again so quick. But I am kinda loosing out on fun times with cute boys.

So thing is it is really difficult to get to him. Cause eh is always with a group of friends. I know for a fact he is gay, cause I overheard him say once "my ex boyfriend". So thats settled.

Now we DO check each other out on campus, but I mean it would be to random for us to just walk up to one another and start speaking. Also i can't attend a party i think he will be at cause I have to much work. o now I wanna know:

Should I invite him on Facebook? It is almost holidays and then I'll only see him again next year Feb. Or is it too random or stalkersish? We do have like 6 friends in common.

He really seems nice.

Oh, wait just one last thing. Me and one of his kinda friends have kissed oncw ehn we were both very drunk at a party - they guy threw himself at me. So maybe it is weird. I dunno. Meh. Boyz make me stupid.

Meh

Love and peace

xXx

I'm actually a middle aged woman...

Yus. It is true.

I'm a woman.

A middle aged woman.

With a husband.

And a kid.



WTF?!



I HAVE A PENIS!!!!

BUT apparently I'm the only one that thinks so.

Okay let me start at the beginning. ATM I'm a 20 year old male. And I'm at least average looking. Though on my good days I am rather hot. Not vain. Just I work hard on my appearance mkay? I pride myself in beautiful things. I am an artist. I am a walking palette. Nway.

Well in general I have grown accustomed to like be called ma'am on the phone. My voice is rather high pitched. Not like Kurt from Glee high pitched as in singing, but rather the tone of voice is kinda light and soft. Although I can project like a mother fucker ;-p (oh the irony of that statement)

NWAY 5 times in my life it has occurred that people who are standing face to face with me have mistaken me for a woman.

First time: Bout 5 years back. I was in a restaurant. I ordered a steak. 500g. So the waiter asks: "How would u like that Mrs?" and Im like "Mrs?" And he blushes and says "Oh sorry, Miss. OMG OMG OMG MISS!

Second time: I was going though the KFC drive through. BAD BOY ME! And the woman takes my order and when I drive away she says: "Enjoy your meal Ma'am." OMG serves me right for eating junk food.

Third time: One of my gf's cousins' friends walked up to me and asked: "Are you a boy or a girl?" She is about ten.

Fourth time: This weekend. The man walked up to our camp site. I was sitting up with my cousin and my young nephew. So then he asked my cousin: "Oh this must be your wife and son". OMG WTF WTF (hence title)

Fifth time: Then aftershock came in the form of the boy that greeted me this morning when the left. He must be about 8. He ran up to me, gave me a hug and said: "Good-bye aunty".

BALLS NO MORE!

Okay so here is the thing. This DOES bother me. Meh. Androgynous? And I LOVE the look. I find it very sexy yeah. But I don't have it. Like I do look like a man. Fine I am effeminate. But there is no discrepancy as to my gender.

And no It wasn't my behaviour. Like the fourth time I was sitting by the fire reading a book. So no campness. Lol pardon the pun.

I am seriously flabbergasted....

So after that rant (see last post) I spent a few hours thinking and did some research. I came across:

The Cass Identity Model is one of the fundamental theories of gay and lesbian identity development, developed in 1979 by Vivienne Cass [1]. This model was the first[citation needed] to treat gay people as "normal" in a heterosexist society and in a climate of homophobia instead of treating homosexuality itself as a problem. Cass described a process of six stages of gay and lesbian identity development. While these stages are sequential, some people might revisit stages at different points in their lives.

The six stages are as follow:

1.1 Identity Confusion
1.2 Identity Comparison
1.3 Identity Tolerance
1.4 Identity Acceptance
1.5 Identity Pride
1.6 Identity Synthesis

I have identified in what category I fall into:

Identity Pride

In the identity pride stage, while sometimes the coming out of the closet arrives, and the main thinking is "I've got to let people know who I am!". The person divides the world into heterosexuals and homosexuals, and is immersed in gay and lesbian culture while minimizing contact with heterosexuals. Us-them quality to political/social viewpoint. The task is to deal with the incongruent views of heterosexuals.

Possible responses include: splits world into "gay" (good) and "straight" (bad)—experiences disclosure crises with heterosexuals as they are less willing to "blend in"—identify gay culture as sole source of support, acquiring all gay friends, business connections, social connections.

The possible needs can be: to receive support for exploring anger issues, to find support for exploring issues of heterosexism, to develop skills for coping with reactions and responses to disclosure to sexual identity, and to resist being defensive.

It was very helpfull to me so if u want check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cass_Identity_Model

It is stage five. So kinda in retrospect it kinda puts a lot for me into perspective. I wanna thank the people who commented on my previous post.. I easily get irritated by empty advice, but what u guys wrote was of immeasurable value.

I am happy with my progress. I have spend six years (consciously) on the first four stages. And I think I'll be at stage five for quite some time still. I am thinking of starting a LGBT group at my uni. We don't have one. WTF WHY NOT?! But I'm very intimidated by the idea. I\ll have to think about it.

meh

I am mad.

Im mad at myself for drinking too much, for smoking socially, for eating too much McDonalds, for struggling to say hi to that cute boy, for not letting my ex bf sleep in my arms past 5am, for being a pussy, for having big ideas and little execution, for writing this post, for not posting more often, for wasting time on facebook, for stalking people on facebook, for not knowing how to feel about my best friend being back after a year, for sending that photo, for not getting enough sex, for not willing to sleep around to just get it, for wanting a boyfriend to hold my hand before he fucks me, for always sleeping to late, for having reason to struggle falling asleep, for being too honest and direct with people, for not living up to the expectations which i set myself. I'm mad cause I started to listen too much to pop music and indulged myself completely in white noise, for being shy, for being manipulative, for not washing the amazing car i got frequently enough. I'm mad cause like I always have to spellcheck like cause I always type it leik fml. I am mad at religion and the lies it made me believe for so long. I am mad that one can never be completely out and that even after years all u still want is approval from a fucking stranger. Im mad cause I miss him ssooo much. I am mad cause he is sooo far away. I am mad for crying too much. I am mad for playing mind games with myself. I am mad for not writing poetry anymore. I am mad cause I am mad.

Im mad and I am ungrateful. I think I'm confused.

Fuck it. Meh. Meh. meh

Crossroad

And there I was thinking the roadblocks of puberty have been crossed.

BTW as I am typing this I have Miley Cyrus' "When I look at you" playing on repeat. I think it is an amazing song.

Nway -

University has kept me from u guys. It is godly insane what s expected of us. I have such deep rooted issues with the manner in which the institution I attend is run, that I sometimes find myself hating my life for brief time - cause I made the choice to attend it. I love what I do. I just don't prefer the medium in which I gain access to it. But they are unfortunately the best. What a stupid situation.

Pressure for future. I do not know if I should study honours or not. I have an insane student loan already. But I have to complete my honours at this institution if I ever wanna do a masters degree at another institution. Some silly red tape thing. Or I can go do honours in something else like maybe journalism.

This is kinda a big choice cause it will effect what I want to do with my life. Do I wanna continue pursuing what I do now? Or do I wanna branch out. Branching out seems the smart thing to do. But it could also backfire.

I also wanna invest in a camera for myself to like kinda make money on the side. But that will cost at least a $1000 which I don't really have laying around. Spend money to make money eh?

I dunno man. Questions are spinning in my head. A vortex. I keep analysing everything and at the end of the day I just realise that nothing matters cause we will all die one day and we are running after the wind. I am not nihilistic or anything but I am just trying to figure out what my priorities are. Cause lately I have screwed up.

My (ex?) bf ?!

I don't even know what to say to that. When I fuck up I do it really bad. Basically I did something that still makes logical sense. But emotionally I kinda fucked with myself. And the other person. But with good intention. I think in the long run it makes sense still. But then I started remembering what I believe in. I believe in the now. And thus I failed myself. I betrayed my core believes. i have spoken to my boy and he understand why I did it though. I don't deserve that of him. He is so amazing. He is soooo amazing. He makes me proud almost every day.

I love u.

To top it all of. My dad is in the ICU for the past weekend. And they don't know when he will be able to come home. The human heart. Fragile in both physicality and metaphor...

I need a holiday. I need to get away and I need to be in nature. My break is almost starting and I look forward to just feel. To be and to feel and to reconnect with what matters.

Tis all for now.

Peace and love,h
xXx

FML post fail

Okay so I am sorry. I just can't do this posting regularly thing. It is too demanding and I am way too busy. i am aiming to do 10 posts a month. That seems fair.

So a lot has happened in two weeks. OMG So much! I have been busy a burning hell at uni. Incredible workload. Insane. Inhumane. And just so u know I am not lazy by any means. i was like top 5 academic achiever during my high school career. So I kinda get the working thing. I don't get how the lazy people cope.

I must say I am rather proud of myself. After my meltdown last term I have been doing a lot better. Sleep more, eating more regularly, drinking less and getting in a lot of water and vitamins. Yay me!!!!

Mom was worried bout me and the workload so when I got home a week back she redid my entire room. New carpets, New bedding, accessories for the room. It looks way much nicer. She said she wanted a nice aura for me to do the work in. So sweet. Such a darling!

Yay! We are getting a new HD 3D projector for our living room. I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED I CAN LIKE FUCK A GINGER!!! Okay wait that is offensive. Lol. Sorry. >.<

Had a party on Friday night and kinda bonded with some of my team mates. Twas epic fun. I was a bit drunk. Me and my gay gf went to gay club afterward to kinda let loose. Was yum!

Then on Saturday I joined my parents at a seaside lodge and we slept over. Had a yummy dinner and all so it was all good and well. Forgot my phone there though - so now i have to drive 45minutes to got get the damn thing. Bleh!

On Sunday i went to a very nice Cuban styled restaurant. OMG the waiter was epically hot! He seems brazilian with shoulder length str8tened hair. We flirted a lot. I even left a wink on the till slip. Silly me! Haha!

Well that is it for now. Imma catch up on some blogs.

Peace and love

xXx

Feel it. It is here.

Sigh...

I love South Africa so much.

Those of you that read my blog regularly would know that I am such a cry-baby. I kinda have happy tear syndrome. And at the moment I'm drinking a glass of SA wine - the best in the world - listening to Waka Waka and just drinking in the last few hours of an event that kinda changed my country's future.

They say we couldn't do it. They said we would not be ready.

We were. We are. Nkosi sikeleli africa ! (God bless Africa!)

We may not have the money or the surplus that most of you experience, but we have the heart and we have the soul. And for that reason I am proud. Sure we carry the debt. But you guys know what? Ubuntu! Money is material. What this meant to our nation is immeasurable!

This time for Africa, eh?!

I wish all of you could experience this time in my beautiful home country. It was such an amazing magical time filled with reconciliation and unity. Flags everywhere. Heck I can even now blow a vuvuzela! This was collectively the best month of my life. (Thanx to the special you too!)

United we stand Africa!

And I don't think we stood back for one moment! I am soooo deeply grateful for all the negative stereotypes that was broken!

It is being hailed as one of the best SWC ever to be hosted. Attendance wise it is only one of three world cups ever to have attendance numbers break the 3 million mark. Yet they said that no one would come.

There has been a lot of speculation about whether Madiba would hand over the cup. I know that he would be burning to do it. I hope he does. I know he wants to. If he does not there must be a very valid reason and the people should respect it. But come hand over time and he is there the country would erupt!

I don't even care who wins the final. Two underdog teams on the underdog continent...*smiles*

Viva Africa! The country of my scull!

PEACR LOVE AND HAPPY TEARS!!!!

xXx

PURPLE !!!

Kinda productive holiday day!

So I got up really late and decided I have to go renew my car license. So proud of myself for actually doing it in time lol! Then went to refill my ink and made an appointment at the day spa for a hair cut. Got one for 2morrow at 12.

On the way out of the computer shop (where I refilled the ink) I walked into my ex-priest lol! (Yeah, I think I should make a post about my wacky spiritual beliefs - just to kinda test ur openmindedness.) Nway, I kinda ignored him. He looked at me with empry eyes. Kinda reminded me of his empty promises.

Anyway from religion to sex. I am sooooOOoo PURPLE!!! FML!!! I totally have a hormone imbalance since my boy left. Bleh! I kinda have two willing boys lined up. But I dunno. It would only be sexytime. No emotion. And I don't know if I roll like that. Well I think my kinda-boy-who-left- would incourage me to get some. We kinda understand the situation.

I plan on making a post-SWC post as well. I am so proud of the way we hosted this event. I think we did AWESOME! But yeah, a lot of kewl statistic to give to ya. And they all said we couldn't do it ...

THIS TIME FOR AFRIXA !!!!

Peace, love and soccer balls!

xXx

Me the Narcissist

Haha! Yeah what a shocker >.<

I saw Jack did this personality disorder test. Looked well fun, so I did it too:

Disorder Rating

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Click HERE for the link to the test. Why not do it and then paste results on ur blog. It is kinda interesting!

Peace and love!

xXx

Str8 hate!

Seriously imma gonna indulge my stupidity for a post, cause I mean why the fuck not, right?!

So as I said i went out with my friends that I haven't seen that much recently. What a fuck up IMO!

We went to this old crummy bar. But I mean drinks are really cheap and we watched the soccer on big screen. Bleh Spain under performed IMO. So then these guys start hitting on the two girls with me. So I was kinda annoyed cause it isn't nice laid-back flirting. Rather like they take my fucking seat when I go to the bathroom. Then when I get back hey are like "U should chill we just wanna have a good time, and these are the only girls here." So I'm like "yeah okay, whatever". So after the match we leave to another place. They conveniently follow us there. Then we go sit outside - GUESS WHAT - they come sit at the table next to us and start being irritating again. Then a song starts playing and the three girls (we picked up another one on the way to the second place) wanna go dance (BTW the song was Waka Waka!!! LOVIT! >.<) So one of the guys asks me why I am going with. Then I told him I kinda have to take care of the girls. He replies "No worry, we are here". And without thinking I replied "exactly"...oops I'm such a biatch. But they were getting on my nerve. Anyway I'm getting bored writing about this. But the one gf made me go to a next place to follow them. What a nightmare!

So hence I have decided fuck str8 clubs/bars. I really only like gay bars now. Why? Cause I can go with my gf's and have a good time with them. I mean it is not that I am jealous if they get attention, but they get distracted And I can only see them once in a while so the times we do spend together I want us to actually spend together. And no, we chat beforehand as well, so it isn't like I'm oblivious to the fact that not much bonding can occur in a club. But we need to have fun and let loose. We are young ffs! Heheh!

Oh. o.O. Yeah, okay if u follow my blog for a while now, you would know that I said I don't do gay clubs. That changed the past three weeks. I went there very often. Someone special wanted to go. So we did. And I loved it. I feel at home and comfy. And the hot str8 topless barmen with ass cleavage helps haha!

Bleh! I start uni in a week. So not looking forward. Im gonna die of pressure. Meh, At least I love what I do!

Love ya guys!

Peace and love!

xXx

New look

So yeah I tried out a new design. I think it still looks shit. But better than before. Lol!

So the world cup is turning out interesting. I was devastated with the exit of Ghana tonight. It would have meant so much for Africa if they won. Bleh!

Nway I'm so behind with blog reading that I should rather do that than waste time writing nonsense.

I am going out tomorrow night with some friends. So that will be nice since I haven't seen some of them for a while.

I want u guys to check out this kewl blog. He has made numerous posts, but he isn't getting a lot of traffic. I think it is worth ur time. Why not just pop in and decide for urself?

http://eye-m-bi.blogspot.com

Nway smell ya later!

Peace and love!!!

xXx

See you soon

Letter to my dearest friend and lover.

Dear Bibi

As I am typing this my eyes are filled with the memories and love that built up inside me over the past six months.

I am crying, baby. Not because I am sad only, but because I feel blessed that I had the incredible miracle of playing some part in your life.

I feel so proud that I know someone as amazingly smart, caring and fun as you. You have changed my life and I can say with confidence that I have altered yours. You will forever be with me as I carry you in my heart of hearts.

Although time will come as a blessing in disguise and heal us of one another as space will drift between, this I promise you my dear sweet habibi...the love and understanding that we share will stand the test of time.

You may think that I have shown you the path, but I assure you that you have changed my entire course. I let you know that I love you and you obliged without hesitation. But I never did allow myself to indulge you with my true feelings as I understood that the inevitable departure would be too much to bare.

I want you to always remember the little time we had and never let anyone put you down. Be kind as you always are and teach them not through words, but by your amazing example.

I will see you again my doux bebe. Up until then I will live life to its fullest as to enrich myself for our next meeting.

It was truly a privilege and a pleasure spending time with you.

I love you with all my heart and all my soul.

Your taatie-teef

P.S I want you to read this poem by Robert Frost as it reminds me of you...

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


xXx

Back

Im sorta hoping to be able to start posting on a more regular basis again.

Geez what a hectic hectic month. I have never ever worked so hard in my life ever! And I'm not really done yet in next week I have three consecutive exam totalling 78hours. Yes u read correctly. So that will be kinda crazy and kinda inhumane, but I'm a big boy and will make it.

My dad was released from hospital a few days after I made the last post. They didn't really know what caused it so that is kinda troublesome. He is better now, nut he isn't taking it easier.

Was to tired to watch the final of AI, will check reruns on TV tonight. Not really interested in who won, but rather Simon's farewell! Tear!

Went to watch a rugby match the other day and it was really nice. I REALLY love the atmosphere. It has to be on every persons 100 things to do before u die list.

Ah the dress up party was okayish. No majour fun. Food was nice. I did end up going a PP. Bleh! I looked kewl I think. Meh! Maybe if ur kewl enough I'll mail u a pick!

Geez this is shocking nearly three weeks without a post and i don't have much to say. Just shows how little time I had for leisure.

Oh, my brother is back from his overseas work for a month. And so is one of my gf's from USA. She is on 2month holiday. Not really too amped about the returns. Don't mind it, but there is no excitement.

Looking forward to the holidays. One week to go.

Congrats on all the boys who finished school this month! Welcome to the real world!

xXx

Peace and Love

I hate that smell!!!

Hospitals.

Gawd! i hate that smell! I hate it! I was in hospital sooo much as a little boy and had so much operations in my life that I cannot stand the smell of a hospital. I have associated it with me being pushed down by a few people while they are fighting to get the gas mask on my face to administer the anaesthetics. So every time I walk in there I get really anxious. It is terrible.

Nway the reason for my visit: My dad!

They came home like after midnight last night. When he undressed his legs were swollen bad and like inflamed really bad. It looked like burn wounds. So we rushed him to the ER. Sat there waiting for him for 5 hours before the doctors said thy are keeping him there for 48 hours. He will be okay though. I think.

While I was sitting there I has an weirdly interesting time To see people being rushed in. All the different and implausible realistic cases streaming in one after the other. One that really affected me was this case where a 19 year old boy went home at o1hoo and he hit a tree. His mother was sitting there poker face. Her other 16 year old son was killed 6months prior to this. Also in a car accident. So the older brother's heart stopped and they had to resuscitate him. I found out today that we woke up today and all he did was grab his mom's hand.

Fuck, it is sooo beautiful. Love. Man. What a miracle. l

Life is sooo short, eh?

Bleh! On a lighter note. I have been a very very stupid boy this weekend. I have not done enough work. So now I have immense pressure on me yet again. But, I had to take the day off to visit my dad, it is mother's day and one of my best gf's bday. So I mean I choose family and friends over work. there is no changing this.

I am doing a photo shoot tomorrow. I am quite excited, but fuck now I have a little zit on my mouth. Bleh! Photoshop for them! Hahah! Why thank you Murphy! Thu art a heartless bitch.

One of my friends that au paired for a year in USA is coming back on Tuesday. So will be nice to see her again.

A lot of the younger bloggers are about to start with exams. So I just wanna say: GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

I love it when it rains!

There is just something mesmerising about rain. It calms me. Sooo therapeutic. It is like nature's take on Enya >.<

So ironic that I was on a month long holiday begging for it to rain, and now since classes started again it is pouring! Maybe next time I should be more specific with the timing hihi

So first two days and I bet the first week of uni is much more chilled then I suspected it would be. Bleh will have to go in on Saturday though. This means the pressure will be more concentrated arrrrggghhh!!! *faints*

Oe, at least I have a parddyy to look forward to (Friday)! There will most likely be some gay guys. Bleh not that Imma be on the look though. Just nice to know ur not a soft target heheh!

One of my gf's and ur cute little brother will be coming to my house on Saturday to help me format my stupid PC and reinstall everything. The fucking piece of crap was such a waste of money - dud! I am currently on my Mac most of the time and I don't really wanna do that. Would rather use the pc for the crap things. Just do uni related work on here and surf the web, cause it is super faster than The pc. FFS!!!!! HATE MICROSOFT!!!!!

Going to go look for my outfit on Thursday - for the dress up. I'll report back on that as soon as I know!

OMG! Bleh! Shame! One of my gf's received a call in middle of class saying that her grandma just passed away. That must have been soOOooo bad. We had to sit through the lecture and all. I insisted that we skip the rest of the classes and that I take her to her family. I hope they are doing okay. *hopes*

Ah having a braai tomorrow night with the family! And if that finishes early enough I will be going out with 3 gf's to a nice small club that has majour special Wednesdays! So that will be fun I think!

Oh before i go: I just want to declare my love for the show Grey's Anatomy and Will&Grace!!!!!

Peace out fuckers!!!

xXx

40 Days

I feel like I am standing at the top of a waterfall, fully acknowledging that I will be pushed off very soon.

In 40 days my first semester of second year will be done with. 40 Days. Fourty days. OMG! This is simply a farce. I am flabbergasted. I do not even think the amount of time available in 40 days is enough to equal the required time to earn the credits. I am, in all honesty, scared. Too much work. There is just too much work. I will have to take good care of myself if to avoid a breakdown. Lol. I know the others in my years will be freaking out. I shall have to keep it together. I know I will be able to do it. I just hope there is time left to enjoy the art and the process.

So in order to achieve this little goal i will have to take better care of myself. Thus I am committing to the following:

I follow some of these already, but I restricting it even further. I really hope I can stay with this as far as possible.

- No junk food
- No added sugar
- No added salt
- No caffeine drinks: including tee and coffee
- Only drink when going out and limit it to 5 drinks per night (*one glass of wine with dinner)
- No midnight snaking
- Go to the gyn at least once a week
- No smoking EVER (again)
- Get at least six hours sleep in each night
- Do not skip breakfast (or any other meal for that matter)
- Drink one squeezy bottle of water each day
- OMG please don't procrastinate - there is really no time lol >.<
- No fizzy drinks - OMG there goes beer - OMG I LOVE BEER! ;-(
- No white breads
- Make time to enjoy life!

Okay I think that will do it. Wayner will be proud of me hahaha! Now I just need to work in some man to man sex! ;-)

I have taken into account ur ideas for my costume for next weekends dress up. I shall see what is available to rent and report back. Maybe I'll even paste a pic for u of me in the outfit?!

Ah damn Magnus voted off of Idol. This is such a weak season. Simon should have left last year. It really was the best talent last year. Will never get to that limit again easily if indeed ever.

In other news. I don't know who of u read my previous post and responded, but I would like to thank you very much if u made the effort. Sam will really appreciate it!

Peace and love!

P.S. Welcome to Olive!

xXx

Show some love

Blogging BFF Sammy is in need of some TLC!

PLEASE go to his blog and show him some support. His younger brother and older sister was involved in a very bad car accident. They are doing okay atm. However, they are still in hospital.

Sam is such an amazing person and has a very nice close-nit family. He is currently at boarding school far away from his family and as u can imagine it must be very hard for him.

Love u Sam!

Peace, love and prayers!

xXx

8

I fucking hate spiders!

I have this irrational morbid phobia.

I start to cry and overreact when I see one - even if I know it is harmless.

I hate spiders. The most disgusting thing ever. Rather give me a snake. (No, not that, u dirty fucker ;-P)

I had one in my room today. I had to get my mom to come kill it. It is sooo gross I am still quite depressed.
I keep on itching everywhere bleh bleh bleh!

NWAY!

Had a nice dvd night wiht some friends last night. Was very productive and so on.

Tonight I am planning to go out with some of my other friends - including one that came back from holiday today. Should be fun! (If I can get the hairy fucking spider imagine that is now ingrained in my mind out of my smexy little head FML!)

The itsy bitsy spider climbed...SQUASH!!!

DIE YOU FUCKING FREAK!
MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHH!!!!!

Peace, love and poison

P.S. No actual dirty gross spiders were harmed during the making of this post

xXx

Gonna get dressed. Pun intended?

Hey all you amazing people!!!

So yesterday I had such a nice day! I slept in late and then met up with a gf at the mall to do some serious shopping!!!

Once again I have to note that I was being totally stupid about the good reaction I got when coming out. I think it was just aftershock. I am now completely over it. I reread some of the horror coming out stories and I just kinda realised even more how extremely fortunate I am. I mean others come out and they are disowned and here I am and my parents give me money a week after I come out to go buy myself pink shirts lol!

Anyway so I don't really do marathon shopping. When I see something nice I would buy it, but I needed to get new clothes to fit my new life! So I ended up with 5 nice t-shirts, 4 long-sleeve shirts, a kewl hoody and a pair of jeans. I think I need some more jeans, but we were so tired Ill go do that at another time!

I love having new clothes. it makes me feel confident and sexy! A very good combination. I like looking nice and being trendy!

Ahhhh wait even better news. My hair stylist (that's what he calls himself) left some time ago to go work in another city. This was like three months ago. So I have never been to anyone else cause I was depressed and scared about going to a new hair dresser lol! I am very fussy about my hair. Anyway I learnt yesterday that he came back! He wasn't happy with the long commute. So YAY ME! I am gonna try and make an appointment for 2morrow!

Here comes the pun part: I was on my way home after shopping and cocktails. So mom asked me to go to KFC to get food for my grandma and grandpa who lives in a flat with us. So I go though the KFC drive through and the woman is like "What would u like MA'AM?" WFT WFT WFT WFT WFT WFT! This is the 3rd time in my life this has happened! To add insult to injury she added: "Have a nice day, Ma'am!" OMG I was soooo upset for like 5minutes. But then I just realizes it shouldn't affect me this much. I mean I really do not look like a woman. I really don't and I am not insecure about this. I just do not get what they are on about!

Nway got home though on some of the new clothes to go to dinner. Was feeling great! Had a lovely dinner with the rents and then when I came home I caught the BCC Comedy Fest on. LEE EVANS IS A COMEDY GOD!!!!!!

Oooohhh, before I go - I have a dress up pardy soon. We have to like dress up as a animation character/Disney character. I am thinking of like maybe going as Peter Pan? What do u guys think? Any other suggestions?

That's all for now folks.

Peace, love and laughter,

P.S. Welcome Bi-Alan

xXx

HOTTEST HUNKS 2009

Ey so again today started at a slow pace and was very relaxed!

Gee I have such a wonderful life for which I am very thankful!

Got dressed and went out with one of my dearest gf's for cocktails and Mexican platters. It was really nice. She was speaking to me also of her issues with her bf. Meh I am starting to think they have no nope. Wud sux to see their relationship of so many years just...end.

Anyways just as we were about to leave I saw my parents entering the restaurant. HOW WEIRD?! Was very surprised to see them and vice verse. So my gf said it is fine if i wanna stay and so I did. Score another cocktail and some calamari. Twas nice....

Then I was suppose to go out to a club, but meh, didn't like the people that went so I decided to stay home wiff mom and dad and watch a music concert DVD. It was a very good SA production with high production value. I was quite impressed!

So now I am about to go to bed. Just wanted to keep ya guys up to speed.

Peace and love....

Nah okay I'm only kidding here follows my list of 2009's HOTTEST HUNKS!!!!

(Keep in mind 2009 - I wil release this year's version later on)

Top 25 - 2009

25 Dan Carter
24 Brad Pitt (YEAH GET OVER IT!!!)
23 Shane West
22 Paul Walker
21 Ryan Reynolds

20 Eric McCormack
19 Christiano Renaldo
18 Enrique Iglesias
17 Adam Lambert
16 Orlando Bloom

15 Jesse McCartney
12 Josh Duhamel
13 Leonardo DiCaprio
12 James Franco
11 Daniel Radcliffe

TOP TEN

10 Ashton Kutcher
9 Emile Hirsch
8 Robert Pattinson
7 Gael Garcia Bernal
6 Johnny Depp

THE TOP FIVE

5 DAVID BECKHAM

4 ZAC EFRON

3 KEVIN ZEGERS

2 JOE JONAS

AND THE WINNER IS!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

The new life dawns

Okay okay yeah I am still on about the coming out thingy.

I am still in shock that it went so good. And the I feel guilty for ever doubting my family. Meh I think it is just weird for me to like be on the phone today and tell a boy I think that guy is cute or that guy isn't and not have to care who hears or speak in hushed tones. FML it is amazing. It is so nice and relaxed. No more paranoia.

I decided I will not like make my orientation know to the extensive public. If someone asks I will tell them, but I do not want my orientation to become the most interesting part of me. Ya know? Cause it really isn't...

I have recently added some kewl blogs to my "Must reads' section so be sure to check them out!

Oe I am so excited: I am going camping on Monday - Wednesday. I love camping and being in nature, Can't wait to get out there and get crunked by a fireplace. Imma bake a bread over the fire. Yay!!!!

Please remember that I made a formspring so feel free to ask me any questions. Bleh I only have four so it is kinda embarrassing haha!

I recently discovered my annual hottest dude list for 2009 in my sent items so I thought that I would publish that as tomorrow's post. So be sure to check in!!!!

P.S Welcome Jack and Chrissie!

Love sex and magic

xXx

Some reflections on: (my) coming out

So as most of u read by now I came out to my mom. Im kinda out to my dad in the sense that my mom said she is going to tell him soon and he will accept it and treat me like always. So I am not even stressed about it, cause I mean...there isn't much that can go wrong, is there?

This paragraph was edited in after I reread my post: It seems like I have some issues accepting the smoothness of my coming out. I was so prepared to defend myself and fight for my own. And now I am standing on a battlefield facing my family. I have a sword and they have open arms. I am feeling guilty, I think... What twisted irony...I am sure I am not the only one that has experienced this after coming out?

BACK TO ORIGINAL POST:

Mmm so how do I feel? I am not really elated. I am relieved though....

(OMG GUNSHOTS JUST WENT OFF OUTSIDE MY HOUSE HOW SCARY EECK >,<)

NWAY, as I said I am relieved. I feel like I liberated myself and I can breath easier, sleep deeper and so forth. It is like it should be.

PLEASE DON"T MISUNDERSTAND!!! I am not being blazé over my amazing family and their easy-to-gain acceptance.

I am very fortunate and lucky

AND LOVED!

It's like a reporter in my country once said, should people feel lucky to be alive after a murder attempt or be angry cause there was an attack in the first place?

I guess beggars can't be choosers?

I mean geez if my family rejected me I would not have been very fond of them anymore. I mean fuck: why would I be the bad guy if they are the ones creating injustice?

I am so glad they are sooo amazing, cause if they where biased and judgemental it would have been like a cancer that spread through them and they would have died to me with time...

We must continue on our path to liberate ourselves in society.

I want to thank all of the bloggers for their immense support, comments, emails etc. It was really helpful and much appreciated. You guys really rock!!!!

I hope u will keep following me on my journey as an out and about young bi man on his way to conquering the world!

Peace love and pink flag!

P.S Welcome to my new followers: Tommy and Wayner. (I have an additional two, but I am not sure who they are. If you know who u are lol just leave a shout out in the comment section for me.)

P.S.S There is no weirdness whatsoever between me and mom. It is like it never happened!

xXx

Joshua

Cue Diana Ross: The coming out post

I DID IT!

I AM OFFICIALLY OUT TO MY MOM!

It didn't work out as planned. When i woke there were builders in her bedroom and she had taken her lunch earlier today. For like the first time in history. So I was like "fuck thou gravity" in my head of course. So I was soaking wet - had just showered and washed my hair. So I took her to my room. Said "please sit". I gave her the letter. Told her "please read" . Then I went out of the room and said "ah please it is not a big deal I am gonna go dry my hair, I will be back". So I gave it like three minutes and afterwards I knocked on my door and asked "can I come in?" She said "yes". So I went in and asked "and?" She said "I don't have a problem with it" And then she just confirmed that she thought it for the last 3-4 years cause of a event that happened in my past. And she thinks I am in love with my best guy friend.I told her "that was in the past". So I asked her if she is disappointed and she said "no, I understand that u are born that way and it is your choice." So I told her it is not a choice and so on. "Please just don't commit suicide" she said. And I was like "dude I told u in the letter I am happy. Now what are we having for dinner". "we are going to a braai. BTW I first wanna speak to you again before speaking to ur father. He will accept it though. I am most worried about your brother"

Haha fuck my brother.

BIG FAT SMILE ON MY CHEEKY LITTLE FACE!

Coming out: Part two

Okay so don't be upset with me.

I didn't do it...yet.

I went to my mom's room during her lunch break. The letter in my pocket. So I layed down next to her on the bed and looked at her as she was pageing throught the newspaper, blissfully unaware of my intent. I put a blacket over me cause it was so cold and so I closed my eyes and just took everything in. The smell of her perfume which she had just applied. A mother's scent. And then...

I fell asleep.

FML! Lol!

When I woke she had gone back to work.

So I kinda freaked out. Such a paradox waking up in such peace and then a few seconds later to be frozen cold with the realization of what I must still face.

So I chickened out in a way.

I plucked up the courage to show my cousin the letter and she was laughing at it the entire time Not in a mean way. But I kinda have a way of being humourous without trying. So bleh thats my style. She knows abouot me for a few months now already and is very kewl about it.

So I aksed her if I should give the letter. And she said yes. I asked her have my parents ever said anything indicating a sense of suspicion. She said yes. They have spoken about it for years. At first apparently they thought I was gay, but lately they have been stressing about me maybe brining a black girl home. Now know they arn't rasict, but in SA the culture thing would be very diffucult. If I like marry a Xhosa girl I would have to pay lebola and go through cultural rituals and stuff like that.

So in the end I am not bringing home someone of a different culture and neither am I gay. Lol so their two worst fears like kinda isn't becoming a reality. So me saying I'm bi is like a bit more easy for them to digest eventually. Or at least this is what I am thinking. Yes? (Hahah Wayner I know what u are gonna say! ;-))

And what is kewlest about this all is that my mom has apparently said in the past that if I eventually do come out she would still love me as always and so forth. So thats very nice to hear. I won't be disowned and I won't be put out of the house or be cut of financially. That kinda makes it A HELLUVA LOT EASIER on me as u might imagine.

So what is making me a bit bummed is that they have left the responsibility in my hands. Why must I come out to them? Why couldn't they just have asked me? I would not have lied. FML. I guess it is my burden to carry for now.

So I have decided to give the letter to my mom tomorrow in her lunch break and just say: "Hey, just read this. Don't worry it is not as bad as u thought. Lol. And please don't make a big deal of this. Cause it isn't really a big deal to me. I will be in my room if u need anything"

And that will be me coming out. I have tasked her in the letter to like tell my dad in her own way if she deems it fit. So I don't have to worry about it. Yay. I would not be able to face him. In my family dynamic this is the best way.

SO yeah this will prolly be one of the last posts that I make as a closeted 20 year old. (OMG I'm 20 FML!)

Wish me luck!

P.S. Thank you all so much for all the posts of support and the emails. It means a lot to me and it really is making things a lot less difficult, cause I know there are people out there that is on my side.

Peace, love and pink flags

xXx

709 COMING OUT

Short and sweet.

Thats how the long the letter is to my mommy.

Fuck me.

Fuck her life hihi

Maybe by the time u read this I have given it to her.

Maybe I have chickened out.

I am a wreck as u would imagine. But fuck it I am nothing special so don't' worry.

Have a nice day.

Mwah

Peace and love.

xXX

Mac 2.0 Idol

Oukei...

So my Mac recently turned two months old. Awww congratz baby!

Anyway...I was thinking of asking u guys, especially other Mac users, what kewl apps/widgets they use and would recommend. Also just out of interest, what word processor do u guys use?

So u guys know I love American Idol and what not. Bleh fml. Anyway. Tim Urban is getting really good. And no it's not cause I think he is like super hot. He kinda came into his own the past two weeks. I think in contrast with cutteeeee Aaron who is not doing himself justice.

Meh atm I think Bowersox is my fav and Siobhan. Tim, Aaron and Casey are also kewl. So they are my top 5. Lee and Michael are very good, but I can't seem to connect with them so bleh there they go...

So next episode is inspirational songs. Should be kewl. Looking forward to the Idol Gives Back show. Alotta kewl names in the lineup

Peace and love

xXx

Got me ass squeezed

So

What a lazy ass day. Got up really late. Took a shower in my new shower! Yay it is soooooo nice it has like three different settings - from where the water can spray. I lovit! I love taking showers. Do it up to three times a day. shower that is hihihi! So I will be spending lots of time in there...

I then went to a club. It was lame so we went to another one. It closed down. WTF! So went to yet another one. It is kinda nice. I just wasn't in the mood in the first place. I get into a different gear when it is Winter. Hibernation lol! I just want wine, a crackling fireplace, blankets, DVD's and something to cuddle!

AH but yay! On my way out of the club. Someone grabbed my ass. No squeezed it. It was such a nice grope I didn't even mind. Cause, fuck, if u can do it that proper then ur okay in my book lol!

SMILE = Yay me!!

So yeah thats all good...

Peace and love

xXx

Yes me..again!

Eya!

Please note that this is the second post of the day.

I just wanted to let u guys know that I have set up a formspring. So ask away.

Questions will be judged by merit. If there will be any lolz!

http://www.formspring.me/JoshuaDreamer

Peace and love

xXX

Bring on the bloggers!

Ey guys!

I was thinking of doing a post on the fellow bloggers. A lot of the blogs that I have followed for the past few months are no longer active or has little to no interaction.

If you follow my blog on a regular basis u will know by now which blog I really do find fun to follow. I am not gonna make this an add on my behalf, so if u wanna know feel free to browse trhough my old posts or check my must reads.

I was actually hoping that you guys would, as a comment, suggest to me your favourite blogs. Please keep it to a maximum of say 5 blogs. If you really want more u can obviously post more. Or even if you only want to paste one.

And guys, this is not a self-promoting exercise lolz! (But if you are new to blogworld, yeah okay give the link, if it is kewl I will add it to my must reads)

I am really not interested in porn or picture blogs adn therfore ask that u do not mention these.

Looking forward to a lazy weekend to top off a lazy week. I shall hoepfully find inspiration to post more.

Also, I know I have been silent iregarding comments, but know I am still reading your blogs.

Love, peace, qwerty

xXx

And now the end is near

Bleh!

My last post must have been very boring. Since i started blogging I have always received at least one comment lol!
Meh, this is prolly my fault since I am not posting that often...

Anywayz, the SWC is drawing closer with only two months left before kick off. I still owe Midnight a post about it so I will post some of it now.

Well firstly, i have read a lot about international concern regarding safety. Well I can't contradict statistics, but I do think they are making a lot of fuss about nothing.

I have had a lot of overseas friends coming here and then commenting on their departure on how they were so stressed about it and then after being here states that "down town New York is much worse". So there ya have it lolz. Take form it what u will.

All the structures are basically in place. Minour finishing touches to be made. Especially road wise. Accommodation is sorted. I am just concerned about public transport, but they claim that all will working smoothly. I am a sceptic on this account.

Otherwise, we have a lot of cynical people saying this is so stupid, annoying and will end in embarrassment. Maybe. But I think it will be great. I love the vibe and the cultural exchange. So I can't wait for it! I hope to attend a match!

I think even the big sceptics are in a way gonna have fun. I mean if u check what good effect such sport events have had on my country in the past... (think 1995 Rugby World Cup) ...although I don't think our national soccer team will match the Springboks' performance....NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT more like it hihi!

Going to the Apple store tomorrow to check out some hardware I want. So that will be kewl. And gonna go for a stroll in the waterfront. Then imma gonna have a braai tomorrow evening with some friends. CAN'T WAIT!

Peace, love

xXx

Take the red pill

I just watched two documentaries.

1. Religulous - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religulous
2. The Zeitgeist Addendum - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeitgeist_addendum#Zeitgeist:_Addendum

FML!!!

I am reeling from the info that I was presented with.

Have any of u seen any of this? This is intense shit. I mean yeah sure, Religulous is by far the inferior production and very subjective. But hey: subjective is effective.

I just don't get why in the Zeitgeist Addendum they used the "brainwashing" techniques lol. They had facts in abundance. The implementation of these effects kinda made me question the validity of the facts presented. Surely someone should have considered this undesired outcome/effect on an audience.

Anyway. I am very spiritual. Love, music, and nature is my religion. But still Religious kinda did have an impact on me. I think today was the nail in the coffin for me concerning religion.

Zeitgeist Addendum: I am one of those hippies that would support a projects like this. When I watched Sicko I thought I was disgusted, but this is a whole entirely new level of discontent.

I feel perverted.

What have we done?

I am wary always of such "conspiracies", but one has to admit the appeal of such a concept such as Zeitgeist.

I do not think we will be able to save ourselves. People will never change. We need a redo. Unfortunately life doesn't come with a reset button....

On a brighter note:

Welcome back to : Tim and LonelyBoy

Glad to ahev u guys back!!!!

Peace and love

xXx

Life in frame

I just love film.

Every aspect of it is sooo amazing. I think it is truly the ultimate collaboration of art.

Wowgasm!!!!

So interesting to think the only discipline that defines film is the art of editing. The only new addition.
Some people feel the only time a movie is made is during post production editing.

I think I may agree here to some extent.

I dunno if u guys follow Daily Dan's blog, but at the moment it is truely awesome to read. If u have time go read the last 5 or so posts. I bet u will be smiling!!!! Go Dan!!!

In other news. I think we are entering the Winter season. Our rain is late by the traditional Easter weekend rainfall so I am waiting upon the showers to come and wash away all the dirt of Summer.

Ah living the life....

P.S. Welcome to Tommy

Peace and love,

xXx

Back to black

This week I have had an amazing time.

I really did learn a lot about myself. I think the most important thing that I discovered about myself is that I am kinda really into being in a relationship situation. It makes a lot of sense to me.

I have also gotten a lot of slack form various friends saying that I am gay. Not in a confrontational way. They all think I am gay and I am just using bisexuality as a way of desensitising them. Geez ffs! I am bi. I get hard for women. That cannot make me gay. Gay guys do not get hard for a vagina. Anyway, the whole concept of using bi as a way of phasing people into one being gay is illogical. Think about it. Bisexuality is much more intricate and unexpected. People do not understand and acknowledge it. So why on earth would I use that as a smoke screen? I know some of u might disagree with me, but honestly idk.

This week something very stupid happened in my country. Eugene Terrblanche, the leader of the AWB, a bunch of ignorant racists, was murdered on his farm. What makes this more interesting is that Julius Malema, one of the biggest conundrums to grace the earth ever, was singing a "struggle song" which incites killing white farmers (because they are cowards and rapists). the previous day. Earlier the week the court stated that it was unconstitutional to sing this song in RSA any longer. This was done after Julius was singing it a few times in the recent past. So Julius went to Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe and sang it there the day before Terrblanches' murder. This guy is the epitome of entertainment. I am growing more and more and more upset and even a bit worried. Racial tension in this country is entering a new phase. I hope this doesn't blow up before the soccer world cup takes place.

Anyway here are links to the Malema and Terrblanche dudes. A bit of RSA 101:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julius_Malema

(He must be my least favourite person on the planet BTW)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugene_Terreblanche

Smell ya later!

Peace, love and prayers!

xXx

P.S. Hope those of u who celebrate Easter had a wonderful weekend. The rest of u hope u aren't fat of all the chocolate!

Bingo!

Yay! They liked it very much! Yay team! Yay me!

Bleh! I went to bed at half past six cause I was so tired just wanted to sleep for an hour or so and my alarm never went off so I woke at 11ish. So now I am like not tired at all lolz. So the cycle continues.

And ffs I kinda need energy for tomorrow!!!

I watched the film Nine today. Geez the acting, cine, production design, costumes, sound design and art direction was spectacular! It must have taken an immense effort to pull off such a huge production with such flair! Respect. The film as a whole is entertaining and good. Not great.

Is it just my msn tripping out? Can't even log on for the past three days....ffs stupid pc. So glad I don't really have to work on it any longer!

Well maybe I should prolly go cause I have another presentation for the other project I did tomorrowz so yeah better look fresh and sexy!

See ya later biatches!!!

Love and peace,

xXx

NERD

I am such a nerd sometimes!

So today one of my gf's came over to like do some work on my Mac, cause I have the software we use at uni. She spent like half the day in my room, but I didn't mind cause I was watching American Idol. BTW OMG Aaron Kelly is the cutest little thing I have seen in a while!!!

Nway, so she left at like 10ish. Then she was saying that no one in her group did a poster or DVD cover. So I was liek fuck it I'll do it. I mean ffs there are ten people in her group. They are so lazy. So I did it. I learned so much. I kinda tought myself photoshop tonight and I am quite proud. The poster looks really good even by my standards. Not very happy with dvd cover, but meh it is not that shit either.

So we are having final screening tomorrow. Hope people like my project! Only time will tell.
Wish me luck biatches!!!

Mmm what a wonderful week ahead!

P.S. Welcome to ANDY and AHGB

Peace and love,

xXx

HOLIDAYS

Well okay not entirely, but close enough.

All my projects and classes are done so now it is just end of term shit that needs to come and go and then I am free for a month!!!!!!!

I am so looking forward to this holiday!!! A lot of fun things will be happening.

I am also thinking of going camping. I love nature and I need to get centred after a crazy term. I know that I have not been posting very often this month. I am getting the feeling I will be binge posting for the rest of this blog's existence.

It is just the way my life works at the moment. I am crazy busy for like two months and then it stops dead for the next one. This cycle kinda continues. So yeah there you have it.

I am SOOOOO happy with my project. So that is all fine and dandy.
Now I just hope I can follow it up.

Sad to read that Wolfy is kinda not gonna blog anymore. Also, I am kinda missing some of the peeps on my blog roll. PLEASE COME BACK!!!

Anywayz, I have this end of term party tomorowz! It is gonna be EPIC!!!! Will post about it when I have the chance.

Hope everyone is doing good.

P.S. Welcome to Phunk Factor

Geez Imma bad boy

Hey guys

I am so sorry for posting so infrequently these days. I am experiencing a heavy work load and such. I will be on holiday for a month soon (starting in two weeks). So then I will be able to keep u updated more often!

So everything is coming together for my project. Tomorrow I am having a meeting with a crew member to finialize all the small details and then on Tuesday it is the big event. Im a bit bummed cause the project will not be able to match my vision because of budget constraints.

In other news. One of my best bloggin budz is a bit sick. His name is Charlie! He is actually a unicorn u know?!
So if u ain't planning on making him some chicken soup at least tell him to get better or sumthing. Geez, it is not like u have something better to do with ur life...hehe

Nearly failed one of my practical exams. I got 52%! FML! This is the lowest mar I have ever received in my life BY FAR! I am not feeling to bad since more then half of the class actually failed. Pass rate is 50%! Guess who has karma on his side... Anyway I still wanna redo the exam, cause this is just embarrassing to the max.

My hormones are really wacked the past two months. I am like really urm like frustrated most of the time. I dunno why this is happening. Isn't this suppose to go away when u are so fucking old like me. Geez I am nearly half dead. Bleh!

Where did all the days go to....

Love, peace and wrinkles,

xXx

Yummy

Ey biatches!

I saw Alice In Wonderland today - 3D. Was shit in terms of the narrative. It is a visual feast though. Bet it will garner 4 Oscar nods: Costume, Make-up, Visual effects and Art direction. Bleh, although I am a Tim Burton fan of sorts I really don't get some of the quirks in his films. My fav Tim Burton film is Sweeney Todd: The demon barber of Fleet Street.

I have a presentation due for Thursday and Friday and Next Tuesday will be the biggest day of the terms since I am shooting my project YAY! Just hopes it works out. The producer started to fuck up a bit in the end and now I have to step in and try to salvage what I can. FFS!!!!

I am currently not using Twitter anymore. I tried, just isn't working out for me. It is tooooOOOO lame really hehe. Won't be deleting the account - maybe I'll check in from time to time. This is also true a bit for MSN. Sorry bout this. From I got my Mac I don't use my pc that often anymore.

OMG! Have been spotting the most amazing hotties on earth the past few days. So tempting me. I am going mad mad MAD!!!!

Recently discovered the dude in the pic (Tyler Bachtel). OMG he is one of the hottest people I have ever seen. He is sooo damn fit. Yummy!

U are my bitch!

Eya!!!!

I am back, bitches!!!!

So geez long time no chat. I have never been this busy in my entire like sexy existence!

I haven't slept for more than 4 hours for over 8 or nine days (who is keeping count, eh?!)

Yet, it was good hard honest work. And I was interested in it so it wasn't a schlep to do. Just wish they gave us more time to pace ourselves.

I didn't go to class on Friday, When i woke I had severe cramps. Stupid spastic colon. Happens if u stress and don't eat right. Someone wanna come Dr me to health?

So anyway couldn't go out tonight as planned cause I had to catch up the work that I missed when laying in bed like a pissy with pain. But now I am done. I have loads left, but nothing as majour.

So my trip to the festival is still on and I am planning to make it a great day! I am gonna catch up with a few friends and I'm really looking forward to that.

AHHH a first for Joshy: Today I spoke over the phone with a fellow blogger...it was nice...'-)

I am listening to a song from a French album of Celine Dion. The song playing right now is the translation of "If that's what it takes". Gawhsss it is an amazing melody.

Makes me feel alive.

Peace and love,

xXx

Passion

Wow what an incredibel feeling to experience!

Working so hard on something u love so much is so rewarding. Yeah it is tiring true, but it gives one a sence of validation. It is great finding a passion and getting the oppertunity to nurture it as a career.

Yet again this post will not take up too much space cause at the moment I am still busy with work. I just decided to take a quick break and make a post since it is already a new month GEEZ!!!!!

Looking forward to Friday night and Saturday since I have decided to take a deserved break and will go to a mini drama festival and check some thatre shows. Yes ofcourse afterwards I will go pardy - DUH?! It is me we are talking about here!!!! ;-)

In other news I have two new German buddies arriving tomorow. I will not be able to see them that much during their six weeks stay, but I am amped to make some new friends!

I am sorry for being so absent in your comment box. Yes u reading this.

P.S. Welcome to the new followers! (Daemon, Seraphim, Robert) Yay!!!! Thanx so much!!!!

All work and no play

Geez I am way tired.

It is about 1AM and I am still up doing work. Havn't rested this weekend and I won't be able to either. I will have to go to bed soon and then get up way early and work to the early morning hours agin. In fact this will be my entire week. I hope I cope. I bet I will. People arn't such pussies as we liek to believe.

I know I havnt' posted like in a few days. I think this is the longest gap ever between my post.

At least I got some kewl news. I do not know if I am allowed to share, so for now it is my little secret.

Peace, love and apologies,

xXx

Ready, steady, FAIL

As u guys know I am still not out to my parents.

After this weekend and all that went with it I decided yesterday to write a letter to them. I have chosen this as my method of coming out. I will address one letter to both of them.

May seem silly for two reason:

I have not written the letter. I have only committed to it. This is a big step for me. In the past I would just not think about it. Yeah sure I would think about it, but not with the intention of following through as this time.

The second reason this may seem silly is because I have chosen a letter. Some may think this cowardly. I have taken this into consideration, but I have come to the conclusion that it would be in fact the best method/medium.

Here are my reasons:

1) I want to let them know all my thoughts and feelings - I am scared that I would forget something out. One only gets this one oppertunity to do it right.
2) I will have one of the following two reactions if a conversation would take place: I would be tactless, too forceful or I would cry so much that i would appear weak. The second one I will not allow. I do not want to seem millitant when I they hear the news. I want them to see that I am their loving son.
3) I am planning to go away for a weekend and leaving the letter to them. This will give all parties the oppertunity to clear their minds and gather their thoughts, before we speak about it in person. Also, in the event that I am disowned it would be less awkward as I could just not come back. (Yeah I am packing my Mac lolz)
3) I am good with words as a method of justification and clarification. I will make them understand.

Now what i want to know is how foolish, insensitive and selfish am I being?
I mean fuck I the one living in fear here not them...

Come to think of it if one makes the step to come it u activly make a conscious decision that u are willing to loose ur family.

As hard as this is I see no other way. I have to be true to myself.

Nway so I have a off day today and had to do so much work, but I got obsessed witth the letter. This morning I had to go to the bank and then drop my dad at work cause my car went in for a service and my mom wants a car at home all the time. When we walked into the bank he nudged me and said: "Did u check that queer?" It was obviously said in a negative tone of voice.

So once again my inspiration to write the letter has vanished. BTW I have thought about reading the letter out loud to them. But in an attempt not to cry I will be blocking out any emotion. It will not work. I do not want to be cold.

FML..wait...not so much I am such a happy person who is blessed and I am extremly grateful for everything in my life.

I feel the beauty around me and I sing

Peace and love,

xXx

Third time lucky?!

Guess who has been a naughty boy...

So I had the most amazingly lekker weekend! It was so much fun and now I have so much work to do until next Friday that I am gonna declare an official code red status in my life.

Bleh!

Actually, WAIT! I don't mind - I LOVE WHAT I DO SO MUCH!!!! It is not work. It is creating art. Wow! I am such a lucky boy. I do what I love.

Nway back to naughty boy Joshy. I had the flat warming on Friday, remember?! Well let us just say we kinda robbed a liquor store. (Legal drinking age in SA = 18) Between the 7 of us we had:

5 liters of punch
3 bottles vodka
2 bottles champagne/sparkling wine
1 bottle wine
A few beers after we decided to go to a club...

Sounds like new years, right?! Well it basically was for me...haha! By ten the security had called and gave us a warning for making too much noise. This was after a girl broke down the bathroom door ahahah! So random. She is so petite we didn't think it possible. This same girl later the evening rolled down a hill for about a minute. We were laughing so hard we just let her roll to the end of it. It was priceless!

Got quite a surprise when a police van pulled up next to us. But soon we heard they are just scouting the area for some fucking drug dealers or whatever. Yay SA! Lolz!

Nway, the best part of the night had to be my new fav pardy trick! Before we left for the club someone appointed me as "Vodka boy". This entailed me walking around and pouring ludicrous amounts of vodka down willing people's throat. I was like "And what do I get out of it?" The answer: "A kiss"... So then I got the idea: Every person that takes a sip has to kiss me.

So this one girl took a sip. We kiss. The next one lined up. We kiss. Then the third one was a boy. I was LIKE FUCK YEAH!!!! I gave him vodka. I Look at him. He smiled. I went in for the kill. Lol! It was honestly kinda hot and not as slutty as it sounds. Meh, all in good fun though!

Haha the same girl that did all those stupidly funny thing during the night apparently thought this too much for her so while I was on top of the boy she came running towards me screaming: "No no no lol don't don't...ur bi ur bi!" At this point the entire room broke into wild laughter haha shame she is so sweet. She isn't a homophobe though I think she was just shocked cause she didn't know about me and she was one of the girls that I had kissed.

OoOoOO, btw I was the boy's first guy action ever. Yay me - I broke in a boy! Gosh, he was lank hot! Grrrrr!

Fuckz what a great night!

On Saturday they all came to my town and we went out again, but we all got tired and went home early. Was still fun. One of my (str8) guy friends slept over and it was all fun! Then today I had to visit all my other friends cause I won't be seeing them soon. So it took me 5 trips to go round everyone. I feel blessed to even say that. I have so much friends. I love them.

Life is good.

Peace and love,

xXx