My Mortal Dream

100

2010-12-26T16:01:00.007+02:00

I cant really believe I made it.

100 Posts...

Wow! I never thought I would be able to stick around for so long. With all the other blogs closing down i thought I would be gone by now too. But NAH! This is such a great great escape for me. Although I have started posting less I still feel the need to blog every now and then. So I don't think I'll be gone too soon.

So geez. The blog turned one year old the other day. It feels longer ago that I started this. So much has happened. I CAME OUT! And I kid u not when saying that creating this blog lead to the best experience of my life - without a doubt. I met someone via my blog. We met up. We fell In love. He is the love of my life...unfortunately life happened and we aren't together anymore.

Distance.

Meh. I love airports. I hate airports. I'll never forget that day I had to say goodbye to you... Some days it keeps playing over and over in my mind, I tried to be so strong, cause u were gonna be alone after u left. But as u vanished behind the corner I had a complete breakdown. People were staring at me like I was demented. I struggled to walk to the car and kinda hyperventilated for a few minutes. I remember vividly looking into the face of an older woman and seeing her eyes tear up. I'll never forget her face.

I still remember the last kiss. The tears streaming between us. I still remember the last time I touched ur hand and the last look we gave each other. I remember not being able to stop thinking about u and the smile u put on my face when u called me from the plane. Trying to fight the tears as much as u could... I love u so much.

Will I ever see you again?

It is now six months later and yut I only keep loving u more. And I know that u say I should move on. But I can't help how I feel. U have been the best thing in my life. And I would give anything to hold u again. U have been one of the best friends in my life and I will never ever ever forget what u did for me. U helped me so much as a person. U helped me grow to such an extent that I cannot describe it.

You are so beautiful to me.

I love you...

Urm there has also been a lot of other people that has played such a big role in my life. U guys mean so much to me. U are there for me when no one else is around and I love u guys for that. I learn so much from u and I'm sure I would have been way worse off if I did not have the privilege to know u all. Im gonna mention a fe people that come to my mind atm. Please do not feel offended if I leave u out cause I am in a bit of a state, so my mind isn't functioning that well. Don't worry It is happy tears >.<

Tyler, I know we aren't close or anything. But I have told u before that u were the first blog that I ever read. U were my inspiration for starting to bthis journey. Thank you so much for ur contribution.

Charlie. U vanished from the face of the earth. But I still just want to thank u for all the fun times we had. Ur such a nice guy and I hope that ur doing okay?

Tim. I know we aren't on the best of terms atm, but u have meant so so so so much too me over the past year. I hope that we will soon rekindle the friendship that means so much to I think both of us. Thank u for always being there any listening to my stupidity.

Wayner. What would we do without u? Ur the go to guy of the gay blog world. Sometimes I feel my posts are too silly to publish. But then knowing that u will leave a comment makes me do it anyway. Ur support and advice goes a long way.

AJ. Although u have left blogging world, u haven't left my heart. I love our chats and I love ur sense of humour. As u know music is my life and I love the fact that u always love to tell me that I have no taste in music. AJ FTW lolz! I miss u! Get ur butt on MSN more often. Hope all is well.

Sammy. I honestly hope I helped with the confusion u had ;-p U have been the greatest friend and have stood by me through thick and thin. U are such an inspiration to me. I want to be better. And I have u to thank for that.

NIc. U are one of the nicest guys i've met through this journey. U are so supportive and kind and fun! And u come with ur alterego! (BTW BEST LINK EVER ;-p). Ur relationship with Domi makes me filled with jealousy and hope at the same time. U make it all seem fine. U make it seems possible for all of us. I hope u stay strong!

Oliver. Oh Cupcake. What else can I say other then Waka Waka? Pretty much sums up our thang. U have to be the sweetest little thing. I hope that ur inevitable coming out will go as planned and that u snatch a hot French boy with v-neck t-shirts ;-p. And ffs! Go get a pink shirt! XD I am thinking of u and ur fam and I hope that ur dads operation will go without a hitch. And I hope ur mom learns how to close the door behind her haha! Mwah!

Also, then just a last shout out to all of my Twitter buddies. U guys make life so much more entertaining! Thanx for keeping me company in the wee hours of the morning!

I truly love being a part of this community. It is proof that it actually does get better.

As always

PEACE AND LOVE

xXx

P.S This is my actual 100th post and not the 99th seeing as I deleted a previous post. Just saying ;-p

REPOST

2010-12-25T22:51:00.002+02:00

I just read the follwoing post and I felt I wanted to post the link to it here on my blog. I think every gay guy can relate to this. I think we all went through this at some point...

http://gophunkyourself.blogspot.com/2010/12/on-sexuality.html

GOFUNKURSELF FTW!

Peace and love

xXx

MERRY XMAS

2010-12-24T13:16:00.006+02:00

So I missed my one year bloggyversary! Well I did know about it. But I didn't really feel like posting anything. I'll compile some sort of something as a treat for u guys later on when I am in the mood ^_^

So it is the 24th of December. I don't really want any gift at all. Like I got enough from my family and friends throughout the year. It would be such a shame to spend more on me. And I didn't get anyone gift from myself only. I like clubbed with my parents to get people better gifts rather than two crappy gifts.

So we are heading to my brother's gf's family for Old Xmas Eve dinner. And then tomorrow a lot of guest will be hosted at our house. It is usually fun and I am looking forward to it. Yeah. Although I do not consider myself religious I do appreciate the fact that Xmas brings people together. So that it is all good and well.

On another note. I made a new gay friend. We are planning to go catch a movie early next year. He is very cute, but I don't think he wud become more than a hookup in the future - if it even goes that far. Nway, it is always nice to have someone who understands u.

I am sorry for not posting more often. This is more said to myself. I really do enjoy blogging. Thing is I don't want to bore with tedious posts. Much like this one. Nway I wanted to post. Cause I miss u guys. So here is a kewl video for ur enjoyment!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0LtUX_6IXY

Hope u all have a great time with family and or friends.

Speak soon

Peace and love

xXx

Waiting for Godot

2010-12-08T05:09:00.002+02:00

So Im up still. It is 5:10am as i am typing this sentence.

Slept like three hours and then I woke up. I didn't manage to get that much sleep in this year cause of work so I think my body has adjusted to shorter sleeping patterns. Meh, I'll prolly take a nice afternoon nap later. >.<

So my bother is back. He will be here for like three months. But I think it should be fine. He is a lot better than in the future. He even liked some of my projects that I did this year. Didn't think that this day would ever come lol!

I'm working on some side project that are keeping me kinda busy, but I am learning a lot so Imma do it with a smile. I have started working hard on my work for next year. The other people are all chilling over the holiday - and I will to, but in moderation. I really want to be prepared when I walk in next year. There will be no time, so I'd rather get some shit out of the way.

So it is almost Xmas. I haven't been in the Xmas mood for the past two years. I hope it changes this time. I am not religious anymore, but I just love Xmas cause it is a time of community and love. And I think that is pretty amazing!

I have decided that I will prolly do a honours degree as to complete a undergrad degree. But I really want to go to two or if I can three European countries first. I will have a 9 week break so that would be a fine time to do that, I need to. As an artist I need to experience life. And I have IRL friends in two of the countries that I want to see. Especially one person in specific. Imma try my best to make it work. Imma speak to my mother tomorrow. She promised me if I have my first degree she will fund a trip for me. Lol, I'll have to try and make some money myself, but she will have to be my primary benefactor. I have never been granted the opportunity, nay privilege, to travel and it is kinda a defining life goals.

The prospect of getting a stamp in my passport exceeds most forms of excitement I have ever felt.

Here is to making dreams reality.

Peace and love

xXx

P.S. Almost to post 100!!!

2010-11-21T23:34:00.004+02:00

Heya!

So I found this old questionnaire on Stephan's blog. So imma do it cause I'm bored and I think there are a few of my buds who can like get something from it.

How old were you when you first realised you were gay?
Realized, acknowledge or accepted? Realized (when looking back) prolly as early as ever. Acknowledge at 15-17. Accepted after that. Now im a proud queer boy!

Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?
Well won't the facour always be in str8 people's odds? I do have a lot of gay and bi friends though.

Biggest turn on?
Well beautiful people. I study visuals for a life. i am tought to create art and beauty so I literaaly have gasped at beautiful people. I think being beautiful is a talent.

Biggest turn off?
Childishness, moaning, bigotry, prejudice

Ever been harassed due to your orientation?
Duh

Have you ever been surprised at the reaction of people who know you are gay?
Ya, in a good way

What is the worst gay stereotype?
AIDS

Ever been to a pride rally?
No, but I'm going a massive one early next year!!! :D

Do you go to gay bars?
Ya bet ur ass I do

How old were you when you first told someone you were gay?
15

Did you plan it? If so, how?
Yus I did. I was trying o get into his pants. So i kinda blurted it out. No, it didn't get me laid lol!

What made you choose that person to tell?
See above

How did you feel?
Horny lol

Have you ever been snubbed by someone after coming out to them?
No. Lucky me.

Have you come out to your family?
ya, i guess i have. Wow. Thats kewl.

Why did you come out at that point?
Cause I invited this gorgeous and amazing boy to come visit me for an extended period of time, twice, in a very short space of time. So I wanted to be more at ease with him. (BET U DIDNT KNOW THIS MUAHAHA)

Are you out at work?
Ya, mostly hey

If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it?
Urm, well I prolly out myself mostly. i don't mind being outed though. Sometimes i even prefer it. I have nothing to loose anymore.

What advice would you give someone wanting to come out?
Do it as soon as you can - if its safe and secure.

If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how?
Only sooner. Always sooner. (came out at 20)

That is all for now.

Peace and love,

xXx

In responce

2010-11-16T22:13:00.005+02:00

"I keyed on the fact that you seem to define everything about yourself using external sources and that the only thing that matters is how these external sources are pleasing you at the moment - kinda like a middle school girl bouncing between cliques!"

Thats a comment I got from my last post.

I think I agree with that. But what i don't neccesarilly agree about is the negative idea surrounding the way the statement was made. I'm not saying it is a good thing. I'm not saying it is a bad thing. It is just simply a thing.

I do define myself by "using external sources".

Why though?

Cause:

In order for me to place myself within context I have to evaluate me according to a standard. This standard being the projected norm of society - the external source. So ya I do have an obsession with labelling myself and things around me. I do not see this as obsessive or complusive. I just need to define a thing in order to understand it. In order to define something you have to describe it. Or as we say label. So yus I label.

Giving a label to things makes sense.

"the only thing that matters is how these external sources are pleasing you at the moment"

Yet again I do not see how this is a bad thing. I like feeling good. It is an intrinsic human want. I like being pleased and I get this pleasure from interacting in a positive manner with others. Look it is not that I conform to the requests of other. FFS! I am bisexual. If I wanted to conform I would have said I'm gay or straight.

Two things about that:

1) At this moment in my life I am bisexual. I don't care about ur theories. I am attracted t males and female, penis and vagina. If I do transition into a hetro or homo it will be a fantastic. if not - fantastic. All i am trying to say is that I do not conform.

Not that I think there is anything wrong with conforming. If it is a natural human tendency to conform then why do people see it in a bad light in anyway?

I liked being pleased by external sources yus. I prefer this above not being pleased by external sources. I also enjoy being positive in myself and being strong in myself. So I do evaluate myself against my own standard. Thats just it. In order to have my own standards I need something to compare standards with - in order to define my standard. Okay I hope this is making sense.

ANYWAY - enough about that (btw thanx for the comment)

Moving on:

Alcohol update:

I spoke to most of my friends about the issue. Their opinion is that i am not an full-fledged alcoholic, but that I am borderline. I do agree with this. I mean it has only very recently gotten out of hand. I do not have dependency or withdrawal symptoms. I did not drink for a week and then yesterday I had a pint of beer with my friends when we celebrated being done with second year. I ordered a second one, but then didn't drink it cause i felt i didn't need it. So I gave it to a friend thats kinda broke - did us both a favour.

Thing is, and say what u want, I do not want alcohol to intimidate me. If I don't drink I wud want to. So what I need to do it to relearn my boundaries and rid my body of the tolerance that it built up. So from now on I will only drink when the occasion suites it and lo longer at every opportunity that is presented. And I don't have to get drunk. See I kinda forgot this. So I will teach myself how to drink and remain in control. That is what life is all about. Balance.

Same thing applies when people go on diet. Say the person loves chocolate. they go on this silly diet and may NEVER EVER AGAIN eat chocolate. This is bullshit. If u feel like chocolate eat a fucking block of chocolate. Yut again keep it balanced. Don't devour a slab.

Reason for my drinking getting rough is anyway not the alcohol. I don't drink more than the people with me (student peers). And i was never a problem. What happened was i kinda started dealing with some emotional issues of late and therefor I went for escapism. But I got the wake up call I needed so I am dealing with the things now.

And I'm looking forward to in time sit by the beach with my budz and sip A sundowner with them, celebrating theis wonderful life...

P.S. My end of the year project turned out AMAZING and we got really really GREAT feedback form the panel.

I added the photos later cause I felt u deserved some hotness to look at for getting through this post. Enjoy the boyz from ONE DIRECTION <3

(Also, forgive me for typos - I was too lazy to check through the long post >.<)

Peace and love,

xXx

I'm an alcoholic

2010-11-08T18:02:00.003+02:00

Sad but true.

I am an alcoholic and I'm 20 years old. Fuck. Its bad. I dont even get sober before starting to drink again.

I'm cutting all alcohol out of my life. I can't anymore. I have no self-control and I am starting to become a hassle for the people around me. I didn't really think the situation was that bad but evidently it is.

I had a complete emotional meltdown last night. Apparently I was crying for 5 hours and I stopped breathing at times.

I need to sort my life out. I need to stop loving that stupid boy.

Wish me luck. I need it.

Tralalalala

2010-10-31T21:33:00.004+02:00

So yeah I want to moan and bitch.

So after my ex left my best friend got back. I was in love with him for like a few years. He luckily went away for 2 years. So I kinda got over him really well. Like I had thought I had moved on. I think in the event of my ex having to leave I kinda rebounded cause "it's all coming back to me now" on the best friend. This is so depressing...

I tried so hard to get a boy to like just hang out with and be fun with cause I didn't want something too heavy soon. But now that ain't happening and I'm constantly stuck with him in conversation. And it is driving me crazy.

Queer club fail. Although I LOVE going to them I mostly feel like a fail when I get home. Older guys. No wait - OLD guys always come up to me. No young guys. I don't get it. Meh

Nway gawd...meh

Nway, the boy i wanted to add of FB. I didn't. But it is making progress IRL. I'm working on it and I think maybe something will happen. And then I have another option in the pipeline. So yeah seems I am like a slut. I'm really not.

I'm just kinda emotionally confused.

Luckily my holiday start in two weeks so I can post a shit load again and try and figure things out for myself. Hopefully u guys can give a helping hand - kekeke!

So glad the year is almost done. I need chill time. Fuck. What a year. If I look back it seems impossible to have done so much. Kinda proud. This was a good year. I am growing a lot.

Peace and love,
xXX

NEED URGENT OPINION!!!!

2010-10-21T17:47:00.002+02:00

Okay, thanx for taking the time to read this!

There is a very cute first year boy at my university that I like. We have only spoken once thanx to the fucked up printers always breaking on our campus. DUO RAGE!

Nway, after my ex I kinda lost it a bit. I'm very lonely. And I just want to like test the waters again. Nothin serious. I can't do it again so quick. But I am kinda loosing out on fun times with cute boys.

So thing is it is really difficult to get to him. Cause eh is always with a group of friends. I know for a fact he is gay, cause I overheard him say once "my ex boyfriend". So thats settled.

Now we DO check each other out on campus, but I mean it would be to random for us to just walk up to one another and start speaking. Also i can't attend a party i think he will be at cause I have to much work. o now I wanna know:

Should I invite him on Facebook? It is almost holidays and then I'll only see him again next year Feb. Or is it too random or stalkersish? We do have like 6 friends in common.

He really seems nice.

Oh, wait just one last thing. Me and one of his kinda friends have kissed oncw ehn we were both very drunk at a party - they guy threw himself at me. So maybe it is weird. I dunno. Meh. Boyz make me stupid.

Meh

Love and peace

xXx

I'm actually a middle aged woman...

2010-09-26T20:11:00.004+02:00

Yus. It is true.

I'm a woman.

A middle aged woman.

With a husband.

And a kid.

WTF?!

I HAVE A PENIS!!!!

BUT apparently I'm the only one that thinks so.

Okay let me start at the beginning. ATM I'm a 20 year old male. And I'm at least average looking. Though on my good days I am rather hot. Not vain. Just I work hard on my appearance mkay? I pride myself in beautiful things. I am an artist. I am a walking palette. Nway.

Well in general I have grown accustomed to like be called ma'am on the phone. My voice is rather high pitched. Not like Kurt from Glee high pitched as in singing, but rather the tone of voice is kinda light and soft. Although I can project like a mother fucker ;-p (oh the irony of that statement)

NWAY 5 times in my life it has occurred that people who are standing face to face with me have mistaken me for a woman.

First time: Bout 5 years back. I was in a restaurant. I ordered a steak. 500g. So the waiter asks: "How would u like that Mrs?" and Im like "Mrs?" And he blushes and says "Oh sorry, Miss. OMG OMG OMG MISS!

Second time: I was going though the KFC drive through. BAD BOY ME! And the woman takes my order and when I drive away she says: "Enjoy your meal Ma'am." OMG serves me right for eating junk food.

Third time: One of my gf's cousins' friends walked up to me and asked: "Are you a boy or a girl?" She is about ten.

Fourth time: This weekend. The man walked up to our camp site. I was sitting up with my cousin and my young nephew. So then he asked my cousin: "Oh this must be your wife and son". OMG WTF WTF (hence title)

Fifth time: Then aftershock came in the form of the boy that greeted me this morning when the left. He must be about 8. He ran up to me, gave me a hug and said: "Good-bye aunty".

BALLS NO MORE!

Okay so here is the thing. This DOES bother me. Meh. Androgynous? And I LOVE the look. I find it very sexy yeah. But I don't have it. Like I do look like a man. Fine I am effeminate. But there is no discrepancy as to my gender.

And no It wasn't my behaviour. Like the fourth time I was sitting by the fire reading a book. So no campness. Lol pardon the pun.

I am seriously flabbergasted....

2010-09-14T21:54:00.002+02:00

So after that rant (see last post) I spent a few hours thinking and did some research. I came across:

The Cass Identity Model is one of the fundamental theories of gay and lesbian identity development, developed in 1979 by Vivienne Cass [1]. This model was the first[citation needed] to treat gay people as "normal" in a heterosexist society and in a climate of homophobia instead of treating homosexuality itself as a problem. Cass described a process of six stages of gay and lesbian identity development. While these stages are sequential, some people might revisit stages at different points in their lives.

The six stages are as follow:

1.1 Identity Confusion
1.2 Identity Comparison
1.3 Identity Tolerance
1.4 Identity Acceptance
1.5 Identity Pride
1.6 Identity Synthesis

I have identified in what category I fall into:

Identity Pride

In the identity pride stage, while sometimes the coming out of the closet arrives, and the main thinking is "I've got to let people know who I am!". The person divides the world into heterosexuals and homosexuals, and is immersed in gay and lesbian culture while minimizing contact with heterosexuals. Us-them quality to political/social viewpoint. The task is to deal with the incongruent views of heterosexuals.

Possible responses include: splits world into "gay" (good) and "straight" (bad)—experiences disclosure crises with heterosexuals as they are less willing to "blend in"—identify gay culture as sole source of support, acquiring all gay friends, business connections, social connections.

The possible needs can be: to receive support for exploring anger issues, to find support for exploring issues of heterosexism, to develop skills for coping with reactions and responses to disclosure to sexual identity, and to resist being defensive.

It was very helpfull to me so if u want check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cass_Identity_Model

It is stage five. So kinda in retrospect it kinda puts a lot for me into perspective. I wanna thank the people who commented on my previous post.. I easily get irritated by empty advice, but what u guys wrote was of immeasurable value.

I am happy with my progress. I have spend six years (consciously) on the first four stages. And I think I'll be at stage five for quite some time still. I am thinking of starting a LGBT group at my uni. We don't have one. WTF WHY NOT?! But I'm very intimidated by the idea. I\ll have to think about it.

meh

2010-09-14T05:22:00.003+02:00

I am mad.

Im mad at myself for drinking too much, for smoking socially, for eating too much McDonalds, for struggling to say hi to that cute boy, for not letting my ex bf sleep in my arms past 5am, for being a pussy, for having big ideas and little execution, for writing this post, for not posting more often, for wasting time on facebook, for stalking people on facebook, for not knowing how to feel about my best friend being back after a year, for sending that photo, for not getting enough sex, for not willing to sleep around to just get it, for wanting a boyfriend to hold my hand before he fucks me, for always sleeping to late, for having reason to struggle falling asleep, for being too honest and direct with people, for not living up to the expectations which i set myself. I'm mad cause I started to listen too much to pop music and indulged myself completely in white noise, for being shy, for being manipulative, for not washing the amazing car i got frequently enough. I'm mad cause like I always have to spellcheck like cause I always type it leik fml. I am mad at religion and the lies it made me believe for so long. I am mad that one can never be completely out and that even after years all u still want is approval from a fucking stranger. Im mad cause I miss him ssooo much. I am mad cause he is sooo far away. I am mad for crying too much. I am mad for playing mind games with myself. I am mad for not writing poetry anymore. I am mad cause I am mad.

Im mad and I am ungrateful. I think I'm confused.

Fuck it. Meh. Meh. meh

Crossroad

2010-08-22T21:37:00.003+02:00

And there I was thinking the roadblocks of puberty have been crossed.

BTW as I am typing this I have Miley Cyrus' "When I look at you" playing on repeat. I think it is an amazing song.

Nway -

University has kept me from u guys. It is godly insane what s expected of us. I have such deep rooted issues with the manner in which the institution I attend is run, that I sometimes find myself hating my life for brief time - cause I made the choice to attend it. I love what I do. I just don't prefer the medium in which I gain access to it. But they are unfortunately the best. What a stupid situation.

Pressure for future. I do not know if I should study honours or not. I have an insane student loan already. But I have to complete my honours at this institution if I ever wanna do a masters degree at another institution. Some silly red tape thing. Or I can go do honours in something else like maybe journalism.

This is kinda a big choice cause it will effect what I want to do with my life. Do I wanna continue pursuing what I do now? Or do I wanna branch out. Branching out seems the smart thing to do. But it could also backfire.

I also wanna invest in a camera for myself to like kinda make money on the side. But that will cost at least a $1000 which I don't really have laying around. Spend money to make money eh?

I dunno man. Questions are spinning in my head. A vortex. I keep analysing everything and at the end of the day I just realise that nothing matters cause we will all die one day and we are running after the wind. I am not nihilistic or anything but I am just trying to figure out what my priorities are. Cause lately I have screwed up.

My (ex?) bf ?!

I don't even know what to say to that. When I fuck up I do it really bad. Basically I did something that still makes logical sense. But emotionally I kinda fucked with myself. And the other person. But with good intention. I think in the long run it makes sense still. But then I started remembering what I believe in. I believe in the now. And thus I failed myself. I betrayed my core believes. i have spoken to my boy and he understand why I did it though. I don't deserve that of him. He is so amazing. He is soooo amazing. He makes me proud almost every day.

I love u.

To top it all of. My dad is in the ICU for the past weekend. And they don't know when he will be able to come home. The human heart. Fragile in both physicality and metaphor...

I need a holiday. I need to get away and I need to be in nature. My break is almost starting and I look forward to just feel. To be and to feel and to reconnect with what matters.

Tis all for now.

Peace and love,h
xXx

FML post fail

2010-07-26T20:59:00.004+02:00

Okay so I am sorry. I just can't do this posting regularly thing. It is too demanding and I am way too busy. i am aiming to do 10 posts a month. That seems fair.

So a lot has happened in two weeks. OMG So much! I have been busy a burning hell at uni. Incredible workload. Insane. Inhumane. And just so u know I am not lazy by any means. i was like top 5 academic achiever during my high school career. So I kinda get the working thing. I don't get how the lazy people cope.

I must say I am rather proud of myself. After my meltdown last term I have been doing a lot better. Sleep more, eating more regularly, drinking less and getting in a lot of water and vitamins. Yay me!!!!

Mom was worried bout me and the workload so when I got home a week back she redid my entire room. New carpets, New bedding, accessories for the room. It looks way much nicer. She said she wanted a nice aura for me to do the work in. So sweet. Such a darling!

Yay! We are getting a new HD 3D projector for our living room. I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED I CAN LIKE FUCK A GINGER!!! Okay wait that is offensive. Lol. Sorry. >.<

Had a party on Friday night and kinda bonded with some of my team mates. Twas epic fun. I was a bit drunk. Me and my gay gf went to gay club afterward to kinda let loose. Was yum!

Then on Saturday I joined my parents at a seaside lodge and we slept over. Had a yummy dinner and all so it was all good and well. Forgot my phone there though - so now i have to drive 45minutes to got get the damn thing. Bleh!

On Sunday i went to a very nice Cuban styled restaurant. OMG the waiter was epically hot! He seems brazilian with shoulder length str8tened hair. We flirted a lot. I even left a wink on the till slip. Silly me! Haha!

Well that is it for now. Imma catch up on some blogs.

Peace and love

xXx

Feel it. It is here.

2010-07-11T15:51:00.004+02:00

Sigh...

I love South Africa so much.

Those of you that read my blog regularly would know that I am such a cry-baby. I kinda have happy tear syndrome. And at the moment I'm drinking a glass of SA wine - the best in the world - listening to Waka Waka and just drinking in the last few hours of an event that kinda changed my country's future.

They say we couldn't do it. They said we would not be ready.

We were. We are. Nkosi sikeleli africa ! (God bless Africa!)

We may not have the money or the surplus that most of you experience, but we have the heart and we have the soul. And for that reason I am proud. Sure we carry the debt. But you guys know what? Ubuntu! Money is material. What this meant to our nation is immeasurable!

This time for Africa, eh?!

I wish all of you could experience this time in my beautiful home country. It was such an amazing magical time filled with reconciliation and unity. Flags everywhere. Heck I can even now blow a vuvuzela! This was collectively the best month of my life. (Thanx to the special you too!)

United we stand Africa!

And I don't think we stood back for one moment! I am soooo deeply grateful for all the negative stereotypes that was broken!

It is being hailed as one of the best SWC ever to be hosted. Attendance wise it is only one of three world cups ever to have attendance numbers break the 3 million mark. Yet they said that no one would come.

There has been a lot of speculation about whether Madiba would hand over the cup. I know that he would be burning to do it. I hope he does. I know he wants to. If he does not there must be a very valid reason and the people should respect it. But come hand over time and he is there the country would erupt!

I don't even care who wins the final. Two underdog teams on the underdog continent...*smiles*

Viva Africa! The country of my scull!

PEACR LOVE AND HAPPY TEARS!!!!

xXx

PURPLE !!!

2010-07-08T17:45:00.003+02:00

Kinda productive holiday day!

So I got up really late and decided I have to go renew my car license. So proud of myself for actually doing it in time lol! Then went to refill my ink and made an appointment at the day spa for a hair cut. Got one for 2morrow at 12.

On the way out of the computer shop (where I refilled the ink) I walked into my ex-priest lol! (Yeah, I think I should make a post about my wacky spiritual beliefs - just to kinda test ur openmindedness.) Nway, I kinda ignored him. He looked at me with empry eyes. Kinda reminded me of his empty promises.

Anyway from religion to sex. I am sooooOOoo PURPLE!!! FML!!! I totally have a hormone imbalance since my boy left. Bleh! I kinda have two willing boys lined up. But I dunno. It would only be sexytime. No emotion. And I don't know if I roll like that. Well I think my kinda-boy-who-left- would incourage me to get some. We kinda understand the situation.

I plan on making a post-SWC post as well. I am so proud of the way we hosted this event. I think we did AWESOME! But yeah, a lot of kewl statistic to give to ya. And they all said we couldn't do it ...

THIS TIME FOR AFRIXA !!!!

Peace, love and soccer balls!

xXx

Me the Narcissist

2010-07-05T17:36:00.004+02:00

Haha! Yeah what a shocker >.<

I saw Jack did this personality disorder test. Looked well fun, so I did it too:

Disorder Rating

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Click HERE for the link to the test. Why not do it and then paste results on ur blog. It is kinda interesting!

Peace and love!

xXx

Str8 hate!

2010-07-04T13:16:00.003+02:00

Seriously imma gonna indulge my stupidity for a post, cause I mean why the fuck not, right?!

So as I said i went out with my friends that I haven't seen that much recently. What a fuck up IMO!

We went to this old crummy bar. But I mean drinks are really cheap and we watched the soccer on big screen. Bleh Spain under performed IMO. So then these guys start hitting on the two girls with me. So I was kinda annoyed cause it isn't nice laid-back flirting. Rather like they take my fucking seat when I go to the bathroom. Then when I get back hey are like "U should chill we just wanna have a good time, and these are the only girls here." So I'm like "yeah okay, whatever". So after the match we leave to another place. They conveniently follow us there. Then we go sit outside - GUESS WHAT - they come sit at the table next to us and start being irritating again. Then a song starts playing and the three girls (we picked up another one on the way to the second place) wanna go dance (BTW the song was Waka Waka!!! LOVIT! >.<) So one of the guys asks me why I am going with. Then I told him I kinda have to take care of the girls. He replies "No worry, we are here". And without thinking I replied "exactly"...oops I'm such a biatch. But they were getting on my nerve. Anyway I'm getting bored writing about this. But the one gf made me go to a next place to follow them. What a nightmare!

So hence I have decided fuck str8 clubs/bars. I really only like gay bars now. Why? Cause I can go with my gf's and have a good time with them. I mean it is not that I am jealous if they get attention, but they get distracted And I can only see them once in a while so the times we do spend together I want us to actually spend together. And no, we chat beforehand as well, so it isn't like I'm oblivious to the fact that not much bonding can occur in a club. But we need to have fun and let loose. We are young ffs! Heheh!

Oh. o.O. Yeah, okay if u follow my blog for a while now, you would know that I said I don't do gay clubs. That changed the past three weeks. I went there very often. Someone special wanted to go. So we did. And I loved it. I feel at home and comfy. And the hot str8 topless barmen with ass cleavage helps haha!

Bleh! I start uni in a week. So not looking forward. Im gonna die of pressure. Meh, At least I love what I do!

Love ya guys!

Peace and love!

xXx

New look

2010-07-03T01:42:00.009+02:00

So yeah I tried out a new design. I think it still looks shit. But better than before. Lol!

So the world cup is turning out interesting. I was devastated with the exit of Ghana tonight. It would have meant so much for Africa if they won. Bleh!

Nway I'm so behind with blog reading that I should rather do that than waste time writing nonsense.

I am going out tomorrow night with some friends. So that will be nice since I haven't seen some of them for a while.

I want u guys to check out this kewl blog. He has made numerous posts, but he isn't getting a lot of traffic. I think it is worth ur time. Why not just pop in and decide for urself?

http://eye-m-bi.blogspot.com

Nway smell ya later!

Peace and love!!!

xXx

See you soon

2010-07-01T16:23:00.002+02:00

Letter to my dearest friend and lover.

Dear Bibi

As I am typing this my eyes are filled with the memories and love that built up inside me over the past six months.

I am crying, baby. Not because I am sad only, but because I feel blessed that I had the incredible miracle of playing some part in your life.

I feel so proud that I know someone as amazingly smart, caring and fun as you. You have changed my life and I can say with confidence that I have altered yours. You will forever be with me as I carry you in my heart of hearts.

Although time will come as a blessing in disguise and heal us of one another as space will drift between, this I promise you my dear sweet habibi...the love and understanding that we share will stand the test of time.

You may think that I have shown you the path, but I assure you that you have changed my entire course. I let you know that I love you and you obliged without hesitation. But I never did allow myself to indulge you with my true feelings as I understood that the inevitable departure would be too much to bare.

I want you to always remember the little time we had and never let anyone put you down. Be kind as you always are and teach them not through words, but by your amazing example.

I will see you again my doux bebe. Up until then I will live life to its fullest as to enrich myself for our next meeting.

It was truly a privilege and a pleasure spending time with you.

I love you with all my heart and all my soul.

Your taatie-teef

P.S I want you to read this poem by Robert Frost as it reminds me of you...

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

xXx

Back

2010-05-27T15:48:00.003+02:00

Im sorta hoping to be able to start posting on a more regular basis again.

Geez what a hectic hectic month. I have never ever worked so hard in my life ever! And I'm not really done yet in next week I have three consecutive exam totalling 78hours. Yes u read correctly. So that will be kinda crazy and kinda inhumane, but I'm a big boy and will make it.

My dad was released from hospital a few days after I made the last post. They didn't really know what caused it so that is kinda troublesome. He is better now, nut he isn't taking it easier.

Was to tired to watch the final of AI, will check reruns on TV tonight. Not really interested in who won, but rather Simon's farewell! Tear!

Went to watch a rugby match the other day and it was really nice. I REALLY love the atmosphere. It has to be on every persons 100 things to do before u die list.

Ah the dress up party was okayish. No majour fun. Food was nice. I did end up going a PP. Bleh! I looked kewl I think. Meh! Maybe if ur kewl enough I'll mail u a pick!

Geez this is shocking nearly three weeks without a post and i don't have much to say. Just shows how little time I had for leisure.

Oh, my brother is back from his overseas work for a month. And so is one of my gf's from USA. She is on 2month holiday. Not really too amped about the returns. Don't mind it, but there is no excitement.

Looking forward to the holidays. One week to go.

Congrats on all the boys who finished school this month! Welcome to the real world!

xXx

Peace and Love

I hate that smell!!!

2010-05-09T22:29:00.002+02:00

Hospitals.

Gawd! i hate that smell! I hate it! I was in hospital sooo much as a little boy and had so much operations in my life that I cannot stand the smell of a hospital. I have associated it with me being pushed down by a few people while they are fighting to get the gas mask on my face to administer the anaesthetics. So every time I walk in there I get really anxious. It is terrible.

Nway the reason for my visit: My dad!

They came home like after midnight last night. When he undressed his legs were swollen bad and like inflamed really bad. It looked like burn wounds. So we rushed him to the ER. Sat there waiting for him for 5 hours before the doctors said thy are keeping him there for 48 hours. He will be okay though. I think.

While I was sitting there I has an weirdly interesting time To see people being rushed in. All the different and implausible realistic cases streaming in one after the other. One that really affected me was this case where a 19 year old boy went home at o1hoo and he hit a tree. His mother was sitting there poker face. Her other 16 year old son was killed 6months prior to this. Also in a car accident. So the older brother's heart stopped and they had to resuscitate him. I found out today that we woke up today and all he did was grab his mom's hand.

Fuck, it is sooo beautiful. Love. Man. What a miracle. l

Life is sooo short, eh?

Bleh! On a lighter note. I have been a very very stupid boy this weekend. I have not done enough work. So now I have immense pressure on me yet again. But, I had to take the day off to visit my dad, it is mother's day and one of my best gf's bday. So I mean I choose family and friends over work. there is no changing this.

I am doing a photo shoot tomorrow. I am quite excited, but fuck now I have a little zit on my mouth. Bleh! Photoshop for them! Hahah! Why thank you Murphy! Thu art a heartless bitch.

One of my friends that au paired for a year in USA is coming back on Tuesday. So will be nice to see her again.

A lot of the younger bloggers are about to start with exams. So I just wanna say: GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

I love it when it rains!

2010-05-04T23:29:00.005+02:00

There is just something mesmerising about rain. It calms me. Sooo therapeutic. It is like nature's take on Enya >.<

So ironic that I was on a month long holiday begging for it to rain, and now since classes started again it is pouring! Maybe next time I should be more specific with the timing hihi

So first two days and I bet the first week of uni is much more chilled then I suspected it would be. Bleh will have to go in on Saturday though. This means the pressure will be more concentrated arrrrggghhh!!! *faints*

Oe, at least I have a parddyy to look forward to (Friday)! There will most likely be some gay guys. Bleh not that Imma be on the look though. Just nice to know ur not a soft target heheh!

One of my gf's and ur cute little brother will be coming to my house on Saturday to help me format my stupid PC and reinstall everything. The fucking piece of crap was such a waste of money - dud! I am currently on my Mac most of the time and I don't really wanna do that. Would rather use the pc for the crap things. Just do uni related work on here and surf the web, cause it is super faster than The pc. FFS!!!!! HATE MICROSOFT!!!!!

Going to go look for my outfit on Thursday - for the dress up. I'll report back on that as soon as I know!

OMG! Bleh! Shame! One of my gf's received a call in middle of class saying that her grandma just passed away. That must have been soOOooo bad. We had to sit through the lecture and all. I insisted that we skip the rest of the classes and that I take her to her family. I hope they are doing okay. *hopes*

Ah having a braai tomorrow night with the family! And if that finishes early enough I will be going out with 3 gf's to a nice small club that has majour special Wednesdays! So that will be fun I think!

Oh before i go: I just want to declare my love for the show Grey's Anatomy and Will&Grace!!!!!

Peace out fuckers!!!

xXx

40 Days

2010-05-02T23:14:00.004+02:00

I feel like I am standing at the top of a waterfall, fully acknowledging that I will be pushed off very soon.

In 40 days my first semester of second year will be done with. 40 Days. Fourty days. OMG! This is simply a farce. I am flabbergasted. I do not even think the amount of time available in 40 days is enough to equal the required time to earn the credits. I am, in all honesty, scared. Too much work. There is just too much work. I will have to take good care of myself if to avoid a breakdown. Lol. I know the others in my years will be freaking out. I shall have to keep it together. I know I will be able to do it. I just hope there is time left to enjoy the art and the process.

So in order to achieve this little goal i will have to take better care of myself. Thus I am committing to the following:

I follow some of these already, but I restricting it even further. I really hope I can stay with this as far as possible.

- No junk food
- No added sugar
- No added salt
- No caffeine drinks: including tee and coffee
- Only drink when going out and limit it to 5 drinks per night (*one glass of wine with dinner)
- No midnight snaking
- Go to the gyn at least once a week
- No smoking EVER (again)
- Get at least six hours sleep in each night
- Do not skip breakfast (or any other meal for that matter)
- Drink one squeezy bottle of water each day
- OMG please don't procrastinate - there is really no time lol >.<
- No fizzy drinks - OMG there goes beer - OMG I LOVE BEER! ;-(
- No white breads
- Make time to enjoy life!

Okay I think that will do it. Wayner will be proud of me hahaha! Now I just need to work in some man to man sex! ;-)

I have taken into account ur ideas for my costume for next weekends dress up. I shall see what is available to rent and report back. Maybe I'll even paste a pic for u of me in the outfit?!

Ah damn Magnus voted off of Idol. This is such a weak season. Simon should have left last year. It really was the best talent last year. Will never get to that limit again easily if indeed ever.

In other news. I don't know who of u read my previous post and responded, but I would like to thank you very much if u made the effort. Sam will really appreciate it!

Peace and love!

P.S. Welcome to Olive!

xXx

Show some love

2010-05-02T13:32:00.002+02:00

Blogging BFF Sammy is in need of some TLC!

PLEASE go to his blog and show him some support. His younger brother and older sister was involved in a very bad car accident. They are doing okay atm. However, they are still in hospital.

Sam is such an amazing person and has a very nice close-nit family. He is currently at boarding school far away from his family and as u can imagine it must be very hard for him.

Love u Sam!

Peace, love and prayers!

xXx

8

2010-04-30T17:30:00.002+02:00

I fucking hate spiders!

I have this irrational morbid phobia.

I start to cry and overreact when I see one - even if I know it is harmless.

I hate spiders. The most disgusting thing ever. Rather give me a snake. (No, not that, u dirty fucker ;-P)

I had one in my room today. I had to get my mom to come kill it. It is sooo gross I am still quite depressed.
I keep on itching everywhere bleh bleh bleh!

NWAY!

Had a nice dvd night wiht some friends last night. Was very productive and so on.

Tonight I am planning to go out with some of my other friends - including one that came back from holiday today. Should be fun! (If I can get the hairy fucking spider imagine that is now ingrained in my mind out of my smexy little head FML!)

The itsy bitsy spider climbed...SQUASH!!!

DIE YOU FUCKING FREAK!
MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHH!!!!!

Peace, love and poison

P.S. No actual dirty gross spiders were harmed during the making of this post

xXx

Gonna get dressed. Pun intended?

2010-04-27T14:16:00.005+02:00

Hey all you amazing people!!!

So yesterday I had such a nice day! I slept in late and then met up with a gf at the mall to do some serious shopping!!!

Once again I have to note that I was being totally stupid about the good reaction I got when coming out. I think it was just aftershock. I am now completely over it. I reread some of the horror coming out stories and I just kinda realised even more how extremely fortunate I am. I mean others come out and they are disowned and here I am and my parents give me money a week after I come out to go buy myself pink shirts lol!

Anyway so I don't really do marathon shopping. When I see something nice I would buy it, but I needed to get new clothes to fit my new life! So I ended up with 5 nice t-shirts, 4 long-sleeve shirts, a kewl hoody and a pair of jeans. I think I need some more jeans, but we were so tired Ill go do that at another time!

I love having new clothes. it makes me feel confident and sexy! A very good combination. I like looking nice and being trendy!

Ahhhh wait even better news. My hair stylist (that's what he calls himself) left some time ago to go work in another city. This was like three months ago. So I have never been to anyone else cause I was depressed and scared about going to a new hair dresser lol! I am very fussy about my hair. Anyway I learnt yesterday that he came back! He wasn't happy with the long commute. So YAY ME! I am gonna try and make an appointment for 2morrow!

Here comes the pun part: I was on my way home after shopping and cocktails. So mom asked me to go to KFC to get food for my grandma and grandpa who lives in a flat with us. So I go though the KFC drive through and the woman is like "What would u like MA'AM?" WFT WFT WFT WFT WFT WFT! This is the 3rd time in my life this has happened! To add insult to injury she added: "Have a nice day, Ma'am!" OMG I was soooo upset for like 5minutes. But then I just realizes it shouldn't affect me this much. I mean I really do not look like a woman. I really don't and I am not insecure about this. I just do not get what they are on about!

Nway got home though on some of the new clothes to go to dinner. Was feeling great! Had a lovely dinner with the rents and then when I came home I caught the BCC Comedy Fest on. LEE EVANS IS A COMEDY GOD!!!!!!

Oooohhh, before I go - I have a dress up pardy soon. We have to like dress up as a animation character/Disney character. I am thinking of like maybe going as Peter Pan? What do u guys think? Any other suggestions?

That's all for now folks.

Peace, love and laughter,

P.S. Welcome Bi-Alan

xXx

HOTTEST HUNKS 2009

2010-04-25T02:16:00.004+02:00

Ey so again today started at a slow pace and was very relaxed!

Gee I have such a wonderful life for which I am very thankful!

Got dressed and went out with one of my dearest gf's for cocktails and Mexican platters. It was really nice. She was speaking to me also of her issues with her bf. Meh I am starting to think they have no nope. Wud sux to see their relationship of so many years just...end.

Anyways just as we were about to leave I saw my parents entering the restaurant. HOW WEIRD?! Was very surprised to see them and vice verse. So my gf said it is fine if i wanna stay and so I did. Score another cocktail and some calamari. Twas nice....

Then I was suppose to go out to a club, but meh, didn't like the people that went so I decided to stay home wiff mom and dad and watch a music concert DVD. It was a very good SA production with high production value. I was quite impressed!

So now I am about to go to bed. Just wanted to keep ya guys up to speed.

Peace and love....

Nah okay I'm only kidding here follows my list of 2009's HOTTEST HUNKS!!!!

(Keep in mind 2009 - I wil release this year's version later on)

Top 25 - 2009

25 Dan Carter
24 Brad Pitt (YEAH GET OVER IT!!!)
23 Shane West
22 Paul Walker
21 Ryan Reynolds

20 Eric McCormack
19 Christiano Renaldo
18 Enrique Iglesias
17 Adam Lambert
16 Orlando Bloom

15 Jesse McCartney
12 Josh Duhamel
13 Leonardo DiCaprio
12 James Franco
11 Daniel Radcliffe

TOP TEN

10 Ashton Kutcher
9 Emile Hirsch
8 Robert Pattinson
7 Gael Garcia Bernal
6 Johnny Depp

THE TOP FIVE

5 DAVID BECKHAM

4 ZAC EFRON

3 KEVIN ZEGERS

2 JOE JONAS

AND THE WINNER IS!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

The new life dawns

2010-04-24T00:24:00.004+02:00

Okay okay yeah I am still on about the coming out thingy.

I am still in shock that it went so good. And the I feel guilty for ever doubting my family. Meh I think it is just weird for me to like be on the phone today and tell a boy I think that guy is cute or that guy isn't and not have to care who hears or speak in hushed tones. FML it is amazing. It is so nice and relaxed. No more paranoia.

I decided I will not like make my orientation know to the extensive public. If someone asks I will tell them, but I do not want my orientation to become the most interesting part of me. Ya know? Cause it really isn't...

I have recently added some kewl blogs to my "Must reads' section so be sure to check them out!

Oe I am so excited: I am going camping on Monday - Wednesday. I love camping and being in nature, Can't wait to get out there and get crunked by a fireplace. Imma bake a bread over the fire. Yay!!!!

Please remember that I made a formspring so feel free to ask me any questions. Bleh I only have four so it is kinda embarrassing haha!

I recently discovered my annual hottest dude list for 2009 in my sent items so I thought that I would publish that as tomorrow's post. So be sure to check in!!!!

P.S Welcome Jack and Chrissie!

Love sex and magic

xXx

Some reflections on: (my) coming out

2010-04-23T00:43:00.009+02:00

So as most of u read by now I came out to my mom. Im kinda out to my dad in the sense that my mom said she is going to tell him soon and he will accept it and treat me like always. So I am not even stressed about it, cause I mean...there isn't much that can go wrong, is there?

This paragraph was edited in after I reread my post: It seems like I have some issues accepting the smoothness of my coming out. I was so prepared to defend myself and fight for my own. And now I am standing on a battlefield facing my family. I have a sword and they have open arms. I am feeling guilty, I think... What twisted irony...I am sure I am not the only one that has experienced this after coming out?

BACK TO ORIGINAL POST:

Mmm so how do I feel? I am not really elated. I am relieved though....

(OMG GUNSHOTS JUST WENT OFF OUTSIDE MY HOUSE HOW SCARY EECK >,<)

NWAY, as I said I am relieved. I feel like I liberated myself and I can breath easier, sleep deeper and so forth. It is like it should be.

PLEASE DON"T MISUNDERSTAND!!! I am not being blazé over my amazing family and their easy-to-gain acceptance.

I am very fortunate and lucky

AND LOVED!

It's like a reporter in my country once said, should people feel lucky to be alive after a murder attempt or be angry cause there was an attack in the first place?

I guess beggars can't be choosers?

I mean geez if my family rejected me I would not have been very fond of them anymore. I mean fuck: why would I be the bad guy if they are the ones creating injustice?

I am so glad they are sooo amazing, cause if they where biased and judgemental it would have been like a cancer that spread through them and they would have died to me with time...

We must continue on our path to liberate ourselves in society.

I want to thank all of the bloggers for their immense support, comments, emails etc. It was really helpful and much appreciated. You guys really rock!!!!

I hope u will keep following me on my journey as an out and about young bi man on his way to conquering the world!

Peace love and pink flag!

P.S Welcome to my new followers: Tommy and Wayner. (I have an additional two, but I am not sure who they are. If you know who u are lol just leave a shout out in the comment section for me.)

P.S.S There is no weirdness whatsoever between me and mom. It is like it never happened!

xXx

Joshua

Cue Diana Ross: The coming out post

2010-04-21T14:18:00.003+02:00

I DID IT!

I AM OFFICIALLY OUT TO MY MOM!

It didn't work out as planned. When i woke there were builders in her bedroom and she had taken her lunch earlier today. For like the first time in history. So I was like "fuck thou gravity" in my head of course. So I was soaking wet - had just showered and washed my hair. So I took her to my room. Said "please sit". I gave her the letter. Told her "please read" . Then I went out of the room and said "ah please it is not a big deal I am gonna go dry my hair, I will be back". So I gave it like three minutes and afterwards I knocked on my door and asked "can I come in?" She said "yes". So I went in and asked "and?" She said "I don't have a problem with it" And then she just confirmed that she thought it for the last 3-4 years cause of a event that happened in my past. And she thinks I am in love with my best guy friend.I told her "that was in the past". So I asked her if she is disappointed and she said "no, I understand that u are born that way and it is your choice." So I told her it is not a choice and so on. "Please just don't commit suicide" she said. And I was like "dude I told u in the letter I am happy. Now what are we having for dinner". "we are going to a braai. BTW I first wanna speak to you again before speaking to ur father. He will accept it though. I am most worried about your brother"

Haha fuck my brother.

BIG FAT SMILE ON MY CHEEKY LITTLE FACE!

Coming out: Part two

2010-04-20T20:54:00.003+02:00

Okay so don't be upset with me.

I didn't do it...yet.

I went to my mom's room during her lunch break. The letter in my pocket. So I layed down next to her on the bed and looked at her as she was pageing throught the newspaper, blissfully unaware of my intent. I put a blacket over me cause it was so cold and so I closed my eyes and just took everything in. The smell of her perfume which she had just applied. A mother's scent. And then...

I fell asleep.

FML! Lol!

When I woke she had gone back to work.

So I kinda freaked out. Such a paradox waking up in such peace and then a few seconds later to be frozen cold with the realization of what I must still face.

So I chickened out in a way.

I plucked up the courage to show my cousin the letter and she was laughing at it the entire time Not in a mean way. But I kinda have a way of being humourous without trying. So bleh thats my style. She knows abouot me for a few months now already and is very kewl about it.

So I aksed her if I should give the letter. And she said yes. I asked her have my parents ever said anything indicating a sense of suspicion. She said yes. They have spoken about it for years. At first apparently they thought I was gay, but lately they have been stressing about me maybe brining a black girl home. Now know they arn't rasict, but in SA the culture thing would be very diffucult. If I like marry a Xhosa girl I would have to pay lebola and go through cultural rituals and stuff like that.

So in the end I am not bringing home someone of a different culture and neither am I gay. Lol so their two worst fears like kinda isn't becoming a reality. So me saying I'm bi is like a bit more easy for them to digest eventually. Or at least this is what I am thinking. Yes? (Hahah Wayner I know what u are gonna say! ;-))

And what is kewlest about this all is that my mom has apparently said in the past that if I eventually do come out she would still love me as always and so forth. So thats very nice to hear. I won't be disowned and I won't be put out of the house or be cut of financially. That kinda makes it A HELLUVA LOT EASIER on me as u might imagine.

So what is making me a bit bummed is that they have left the responsibility in my hands. Why must I come out to them? Why couldn't they just have asked me? I would not have lied. FML. I guess it is my burden to carry for now.

So I have decided to give the letter to my mom tomorrow in her lunch break and just say: "Hey, just read this. Don't worry it is not as bad as u thought. Lol. And please don't make a big deal of this. Cause it isn't really a big deal to me. I will be in my room if u need anything"

And that will be me coming out. I have tasked her in the letter to like tell my dad in her own way if she deems it fit. So I don't have to worry about it. Yay. I would not be able to face him. In my family dynamic this is the best way.

SO yeah this will prolly be one of the last posts that I make as a closeted 20 year old. (OMG I'm 20 FML!)

Wish me luck!

P.S. Thank you all so much for all the posts of support and the emails. It means a lot to me and it really is making things a lot less difficult, cause I know there are people out there that is on my side.

Peace, love and pink flags

xXx

709 COMING OUT

2010-04-20T02:55:00.002+02:00

Short and sweet.

Thats how the long the letter is to my mommy.

Fuck me.

Fuck her life hihi

Maybe by the time u read this I have given it to her.

Maybe I have chickened out.

I am a wreck as u would imagine. But fuck it I am nothing special so don't' worry.

Have a nice day.

Mwah

Peace and love.

xXX

Mac 2.0 Idol

2010-04-18T20:33:00.007+02:00

Oukei...

So my Mac recently turned two months old. Awww congratz baby!

Anyway...I was thinking of asking u guys, especially other Mac users, what kewl apps/widgets they use and would recommend. Also just out of interest, what word processor do u guys use?

So u guys know I love American Idol and what not. Bleh fml. Anyway. Tim Urban is getting really good. And no it's not cause I think he is like super hot. He kinda came into his own the past two weeks. I think in contrast with cutteeeee Aaron who is not doing himself justice.

Meh atm I think Bowersox is my fav and Siobhan. Tim, Aaron and Casey are also kewl. So they are my top 5. Lee and Michael are very good, but I can't seem to connect with them so bleh there they go...

So next episode is inspirational songs. Should be kewl. Looking forward to the Idol Gives Back show. Alotta kewl names in the lineup

Peace and love

xXx

Got me ass squeezed

2010-04-18T01:59:00.003+02:00

So

What a lazy ass day. Got up really late. Took a shower in my new shower! Yay it is soooooo nice it has like three different settings - from where the water can spray. I lovit! I love taking showers. Do it up to three times a day. shower that is hihihi! So I will be spending lots of time in there...

I then went to a club. It was lame so we went to another one. It closed down. WTF! So went to yet another one. It is kinda nice. I just wasn't in the mood in the first place. I get into a different gear when it is Winter. Hibernation lol! I just want wine, a crackling fireplace, blankets, DVD's and something to cuddle!

AH but yay! On my way out of the club. Someone grabbed my ass. No squeezed it. It was such a nice grope I didn't even mind. Cause, fuck, if u can do it that proper then ur okay in my book lol!

SMILE = Yay me!!

So yeah thats all good...

Peace and love

xXx

Yes me..again!

2010-04-16T23:55:00.003+02:00

Eya!

Please note that this is the second post of the day.

I just wanted to let u guys know that I have set up a formspring. So ask away.

Questions will be judged by merit. If there will be any lolz!

http://www.formspring.me/JoshuaDreamer

Peace and love

xXX

Bring on the bloggers!

2010-04-16T18:51:00.003+02:00

Ey guys!

I was thinking of doing a post on the fellow bloggers. A lot of the blogs that I have followed for the past few months are no longer active or has little to no interaction.

If you follow my blog on a regular basis u will know by now which blog I really do find fun to follow. I am not gonna make this an add on my behalf, so if u wanna know feel free to browse trhough my old posts or check my must reads.

I was actually hoping that you guys would, as a comment, suggest to me your favourite blogs. Please keep it to a maximum of say 5 blogs. If you really want more u can obviously post more. Or even if you only want to paste one.

And guys, this is not a self-promoting exercise lolz! (But if you are new to blogworld, yeah okay give the link, if it is kewl I will add it to my must reads)

I am really not interested in porn or picture blogs adn therfore ask that u do not mention these.

Looking forward to a lazy weekend to top off a lazy week. I shall hoepfully find inspiration to post more.

Also, I know I have been silent iregarding comments, but know I am still reading your blogs.

Love, peace, qwerty

xXx

And now the end is near

2010-04-12T23:13:00.003+02:00

Bleh!

My last post must have been very boring. Since i started blogging I have always received at least one comment lol!
Meh, this is prolly my fault since I am not posting that often...

Anywayz, the SWC is drawing closer with only two months left before kick off. I still owe Midnight a post about it so I will post some of it now.

Well firstly, i have read a lot about international concern regarding safety. Well I can't contradict statistics, but I do think they are making a lot of fuss about nothing.

I have had a lot of overseas friends coming here and then commenting on their departure on how they were so stressed about it and then after being here states that "down town New York is much worse". So there ya have it lolz. Take form it what u will.

All the structures are basically in place. Minour finishing touches to be made. Especially road wise. Accommodation is sorted. I am just concerned about public transport, but they claim that all will working smoothly. I am a sceptic on this account.

Otherwise, we have a lot of cynical people saying this is so stupid, annoying and will end in embarrassment. Maybe. But I think it will be great. I love the vibe and the cultural exchange. So I can't wait for it! I hope to attend a match!

I think even the big sceptics are in a way gonna have fun. I mean if u check what good effect such sport events have had on my country in the past... (think 1995 Rugby World Cup) ...although I don't think our national soccer team will match the Springboks' performance....NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT more like it hihi!

Going to the Apple store tomorrow to check out some hardware I want. So that will be kewl. And gonna go for a stroll in the waterfront. Then imma gonna have a braai tomorrow evening with some friends. CAN'T WAIT!

Peace, love

xXx

Take the red pill

2010-04-11T02:14:00.005+02:00

I just watched two documentaries.

1. Religulous - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religulous
2. The Zeitgeist Addendum - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeitgeist_addendum#Zeitgeist:_Addendum

FML!!!

I am reeling from the info that I was presented with.

Have any of u seen any of this? This is intense shit. I mean yeah sure, Religulous is by far the inferior production and very subjective. But hey: subjective is effective.

I just don't get why in the Zeitgeist Addendum they used the "brainwashing" techniques lol. They had facts in abundance. The implementation of these effects kinda made me question the validity of the facts presented. Surely someone should have considered this undesired outcome/effect on an audience.

Anyway. I am very spiritual. Love, music, and nature is my religion. But still Religious kinda did have an impact on me. I think today was the nail in the coffin for me concerning religion.

Zeitgeist Addendum: I am one of those hippies that would support a projects like this. When I watched Sicko I thought I was disgusted, but this is a whole entirely new level of discontent.

I feel perverted.

What have we done?

I am wary always of such "conspiracies", but one has to admit the appeal of such a concept such as Zeitgeist.

I do not think we will be able to save ourselves. People will never change. We need a redo. Unfortunately life doesn't come with a reset button....

On a brighter note:

Welcome back to : Tim and LonelyBoy

Glad to ahev u guys back!!!!

Peace and love

xXx

Life in frame

2010-04-10T16:15:00.004+02:00

I just love film.

Every aspect of it is sooo amazing. I think it is truly the ultimate collaboration of art.

Wowgasm!!!!

So interesting to think the only discipline that defines film is the art of editing. The only new addition.
Some people feel the only time a movie is made is during post production editing.

I think I may agree here to some extent.

I dunno if u guys follow Daily Dan's blog, but at the moment it is truely awesome to read. If u have time go read the last 5 or so posts. I bet u will be smiling!!!! Go Dan!!!

In other news. I think we are entering the Winter season. Our rain is late by the traditional Easter weekend rainfall so I am waiting upon the showers to come and wash away all the dirt of Summer.

Ah living the life....

P.S. Welcome to Tommy

Peace and love,

xXx

Back to black

2010-04-06T02:38:00.004+02:00

This week I have had an amazing time.

I really did learn a lot about myself. I think the most important thing that I discovered about myself is that I am kinda really into being in a relationship situation. It makes a lot of sense to me.

I have also gotten a lot of slack form various friends saying that I am gay. Not in a confrontational way. They all think I am gay and I am just using bisexuality as a way of desensitising them. Geez ffs! I am bi. I get hard for women. That cannot make me gay. Gay guys do not get hard for a vagina. Anyway, the whole concept of using bi as a way of phasing people into one being gay is illogical. Think about it. Bisexuality is much more intricate and unexpected. People do not understand and acknowledge it. So why on earth would I use that as a smoke screen? I know some of u might disagree with me, but honestly idk.

This week something very stupid happened in my country. Eugene Terrblanche, the leader of the AWB, a bunch of ignorant racists, was murdered on his farm. What makes this more interesting is that Julius Malema, one of the biggest conundrums to grace the earth ever, was singing a "struggle song" which incites killing white farmers (because they are cowards and rapists). the previous day. Earlier the week the court stated that it was unconstitutional to sing this song in RSA any longer. This was done after Julius was singing it a few times in the recent past. So Julius went to Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe and sang it there the day before Terrblanches' murder. This guy is the epitome of entertainment. I am growing more and more and more upset and even a bit worried. Racial tension in this country is entering a new phase. I hope this doesn't blow up before the soccer world cup takes place.

Anyway here are links to the Malema and Terrblanche dudes. A bit of RSA 101:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julius_Malema

(He must be my least favourite person on the planet BTW)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugene_Terreblanche

Smell ya later!

Peace, love and prayers!

xXx

P.S. Hope those of u who celebrate Easter had a wonderful weekend. The rest of u hope u aren't fat of all the chocolate!

Bingo!

2010-03-29T23:49:00.009+02:00

Yay! They liked it very much! Yay team! Yay me!

Bleh! I went to bed at half past six cause I was so tired just wanted to sleep for an hour or so and my alarm never went off so I woke at 11ish. So now I am like not tired at all lolz. So the cycle continues.

And ffs I kinda need energy for tomorrow!!!

I watched the film Nine today. Geez the acting, cine, production design, costumes, sound design and art direction was spectacular! It must have taken an immense effort to pull off such a huge production with such flair! Respect. The film as a whole is entertaining and good. Not great.

Is it just my msn tripping out? Can't even log on for the past three days....ffs stupid pc. So glad I don't really have to work on it any longer!

Well maybe I should prolly go cause I have another presentation for the other project I did tomorrowz so yeah better look fresh and sexy!

See ya later biatches!!!

Love and peace,

xXx

NERD

2010-03-29T03:41:00.003+02:00

I am such a nerd sometimes!

So today one of my gf's came over to like do some work on my Mac, cause I have the software we use at uni. She spent like half the day in my room, but I didn't mind cause I was watching American Idol. BTW OMG Aaron Kelly is the cutest little thing I have seen in a while!!!

Nway, so she left at like 10ish. Then she was saying that no one in her group did a poster or DVD cover. So I was liek fuck it I'll do it. I mean ffs there are ten people in her group. They are so lazy. So I did it. I learned so much. I kinda tought myself photoshop tonight and I am quite proud. The poster looks really good even by my standards. Not very happy with dvd cover, but meh it is not that shit either.

So we are having final screening tomorrow. Hope people like my project! Only time will tell.
Wish me luck biatches!!!

Mmm what a wonderful week ahead!

P.S. Welcome to ANDY and AHGB

Peace and love,

xXx

HOLIDAYS

2010-03-26T00:29:00.003+02:00

Well okay not entirely, but close enough.

All my projects and classes are done so now it is just end of term shit that needs to come and go and then I am free for a month!!!!!!!

I am so looking forward to this holiday!!! A lot of fun things will be happening.

I am also thinking of going camping. I love nature and I need to get centred after a crazy term. I know that I have not been posting very often this month. I am getting the feeling I will be binge posting for the rest of this blog's existence.

It is just the way my life works at the moment. I am crazy busy for like two months and then it stops dead for the next one. This cycle kinda continues. So yeah there you have it.

I am SOOOOO happy with my project. So that is all fine and dandy.
Now I just hope I can follow it up.

Sad to read that Wolfy is kinda not gonna blog anymore. Also, I am kinda missing some of the peeps on my blog roll. PLEASE COME BACK!!!

Anywayz, I have this end of term party tomorowz! It is gonna be EPIC!!!! Will post about it when I have the chance.

Hope everyone is doing good.

P.S. Welcome to Phunk Factor

Geez Imma bad boy

2010-03-13T21:00:00.002+02:00

Hey guys

I am so sorry for posting so infrequently these days. I am experiencing a heavy work load and such. I will be on holiday for a month soon (starting in two weeks). So then I will be able to keep u updated more often!

So everything is coming together for my project. Tomorrow I am having a meeting with a crew member to finialize all the small details and then on Tuesday it is the big event. Im a bit bummed cause the project will not be able to match my vision because of budget constraints.

In other news. One of my best bloggin budz is a bit sick. His name is Charlie! He is actually a unicorn u know?!
So if u ain't planning on making him some chicken soup at least tell him to get better or sumthing. Geez, it is not like u have something better to do with ur life...hehe

Nearly failed one of my practical exams. I got 52%! FML! This is the lowest mar I have ever received in my life BY FAR! I am not feeling to bad since more then half of the class actually failed. Pass rate is 50%! Guess who has karma on his side... Anyway I still wanna redo the exam, cause this is just embarrassing to the max.

My hormones are really wacked the past two months. I am like really urm like frustrated most of the time. I dunno why this is happening. Isn't this suppose to go away when u are so fucking old like me. Geez I am nearly half dead. Bleh!

Where did all the days go to....

Love, peace and wrinkles,

xXx

Yummy

2010-03-10T01:34:00.003+02:00

Ey biatches!

I saw Alice In Wonderland today - 3D. Was shit in terms of the narrative. It is a visual feast though. Bet it will garner 4 Oscar nods: Costume, Make-up, Visual effects and Art direction. Bleh, although I am a Tim Burton fan of sorts I really don't get some of the quirks in his films. My fav Tim Burton film is Sweeney Todd: The demon barber of Fleet Street.

I have a presentation due for Thursday and Friday and Next Tuesday will be the biggest day of the terms since I am shooting my project YAY! Just hopes it works out. The producer started to fuck up a bit in the end and now I have to step in and try to salvage what I can. FFS!!!!

I am currently not using Twitter anymore. I tried, just isn't working out for me. It is tooooOOOO lame really hehe. Won't be deleting the account - maybe I'll check in from time to time. This is also true a bit for MSN. Sorry bout this. From I got my Mac I don't use my pc that often anymore.

OMG! Have been spotting the most amazing hotties on earth the past few days. So tempting me. I am going mad mad MAD!!!!

Recently discovered the dude in the pic (Tyler Bachtel). OMG he is one of the hottest people I have ever seen. He is sooo damn fit. Yummy!

U are my bitch!

2010-03-06T01:53:00.004+02:00

Eya!!!!

I am back, bitches!!!!

So geez long time no chat. I have never been this busy in my entire like sexy existence!

I haven't slept for more than 4 hours for over 8 or nine days (who is keeping count, eh?!)

Yet, it was good hard honest work. And I was interested in it so it wasn't a schlep to do. Just wish they gave us more time to pace ourselves.

I didn't go to class on Friday, When i woke I had severe cramps. Stupid spastic colon. Happens if u stress and don't eat right. Someone wanna come Dr me to health?

So anyway couldn't go out tonight as planned cause I had to catch up the work that I missed when laying in bed like a pissy with pain. But now I am done. I have loads left, but nothing as majour.

So my trip to the festival is still on and I am planning to make it a great day! I am gonna catch up with a few friends and I'm really looking forward to that.

AHHH a first for Joshy: Today I spoke over the phone with a fellow blogger...it was nice...'-)

I am listening to a song from a French album of Celine Dion. The song playing right now is the translation of "If that's what it takes". Gawhsss it is an amazing melody.

Makes me feel alive.

Peace and love,

xXx

Passion

2010-03-03T00:21:00.008+02:00

Wow what an incredibel feeling to experience!

Working so hard on something u love so much is so rewarding. Yeah it is tiring true, but it gives one a sence of validation. It is great finding a passion and getting the oppertunity to nurture it as a career.

Yet again this post will not take up too much space cause at the moment I am still busy with work. I just decided to take a quick break and make a post since it is already a new month GEEZ!!!!!

Looking forward to Friday night and Saturday since I have decided to take a deserved break and will go to a mini drama festival and check some thatre shows. Yes ofcourse afterwards I will go pardy - DUH?! It is me we are talking about here!!!! ;-)

In other news I have two new German buddies arriving tomorow. I will not be able to see them that much during their six weeks stay, but I am amped to make some new friends!

I am sorry for being so absent in your comment box. Yes u reading this.

P.S. Welcome to the new followers! (Daemon, Seraphim, Robert) Yay!!!! Thanx so much!!!!

All work and no play

2010-02-28T01:00:00.001+02:00

Geez I am way tired.

It is about 1AM and I am still up doing work. Havn't rested this weekend and I won't be able to either. I will have to go to bed soon and then get up way early and work to the early morning hours agin. In fact this will be my entire week. I hope I cope. I bet I will. People arn't such pussies as we liek to believe.

I know I havnt' posted like in a few days. I think this is the longest gap ever between my post.

At least I got some kewl news. I do not know if I am allowed to share, so for now it is my little secret.

Peace, love and apologies,

xXx

Ready, steady, FAIL

2010-02-23T13:10:00.005+02:00

As u guys know I am still not out to my parents.

After this weekend and all that went with it I decided yesterday to write a letter to them. I have chosen this as my method of coming out. I will address one letter to both of them.

May seem silly for two reason:

I have not written the letter. I have only committed to it. This is a big step for me. In the past I would just not think about it. Yeah sure I would think about it, but not with the intention of following through as this time.

The second reason this may seem silly is because I have chosen a letter. Some may think this cowardly. I have taken this into consideration, but I have come to the conclusion that it would be in fact the best method/medium.

Here are my reasons:

1) I want to let them know all my thoughts and feelings - I am scared that I would forget something out. One only gets this one oppertunity to do it right.
2) I will have one of the following two reactions if a conversation would take place: I would be tactless, too forceful or I would cry so much that i would appear weak. The second one I will not allow. I do not want to seem millitant when I they hear the news. I want them to see that I am their loving son.
3) I am planning to go away for a weekend and leaving the letter to them. This will give all parties the oppertunity to clear their minds and gather their thoughts, before we speak about it in person. Also, in the event that I am disowned it would be less awkward as I could just not come back. (Yeah I am packing my Mac lolz)
3) I am good with words as a method of justification and clarification. I will make them understand.

Now what i want to know is how foolish, insensitive and selfish am I being?
I mean fuck I the one living in fear here not them...

Come to think of it if one makes the step to come it u activly make a conscious decision that u are willing to loose ur family.

As hard as this is I see no other way. I have to be true to myself.

Nway so I have a off day today and had to do so much work, but I got obsessed witth the letter. This morning I had to go to the bank and then drop my dad at work cause my car went in for a service and my mom wants a car at home all the time. When we walked into the bank he nudged me and said: "Did u check that queer?" It was obviously said in a negative tone of voice.

So once again my inspiration to write the letter has vanished. BTW I have thought about reading the letter out loud to them. But in an attempt not to cry I will be blocking out any emotion. It will not work. I do not want to be cold.

FML..wait...not so much I am such a happy person who is blessed and I am extremly grateful for everything in my life.

I feel the beauty around me and I sing

Peace and love,

xXx

Third time lucky?!

2010-02-21T23:39:00.004+02:00

Guess who has been a naughty boy...

So I had the most amazingly lekker weekend! It was so much fun and now I have so much work to do until next Friday that I am gonna declare an official code red status in my life.

Bleh!

Actually, WAIT! I don't mind - I LOVE WHAT I DO SO MUCH!!!! It is not work. It is creating art. Wow! I am such a lucky boy. I do what I love.

Nway back to naughty boy Joshy. I had the flat warming on Friday, remember?! Well let us just say we kinda robbed a liquor store. (Legal drinking age in SA = 18) Between the 7 of us we had:

5 liters of punch
3 bottles vodka
2 bottles champagne/sparkling wine
1 bottle wine
A few beers after we decided to go to a club...

Sounds like new years, right?! Well it basically was for me...haha! By ten the security had called and gave us a warning for making too much noise. This was after a girl broke down the bathroom door ahahah! So random. She is so petite we didn't think it possible. This same girl later the evening rolled down a hill for about a minute. We were laughing so hard we just let her roll to the end of it. It was priceless!

Got quite a surprise when a police van pulled up next to us. But soon we heard they are just scouting the area for some fucking drug dealers or whatever. Yay SA! Lolz!

Nway, the best part of the night had to be my new fav pardy trick! Before we left for the club someone appointed me as "Vodka boy". This entailed me walking around and pouring ludicrous amounts of vodka down willing people's throat. I was like "And what do I get out of it?" The answer: "A kiss"... So then I got the idea: Every person that takes a sip has to kiss me.

So this one girl took a sip. We kiss. The next one lined up. We kiss. Then the third one was a boy. I was LIKE FUCK YEAH!!!! I gave him vodka. I Look at him. He smiled. I went in for the kill. Lol! It was honestly kinda hot and not as slutty as it sounds. Meh, all in good fun though!

Haha the same girl that did all those stupidly funny thing during the night apparently thought this too much for her so while I was on top of the boy she came running towards me screaming: "No no no lol don't don't...ur bi ur bi!" At this point the entire room broke into wild laughter haha shame she is so sweet. She isn't a homophobe though I think she was just shocked cause she didn't know about me and she was one of the girls that I had kissed.

OoOoOO, btw I was the boy's first guy action ever. Yay me - I broke in a boy! Gosh, he was lank hot! Grrrrr!

Fuckz what a great night!

On Saturday they all came to my town and we went out again, but we all got tired and went home early. Was still fun. One of my (str8) guy friends slept over and it was all fun! Then today I had to visit all my other friends cause I won't be seeing them soon. So it took me 5 trips to go round everyone. I feel blessed to even say that. I have so much friends. I love them.

Life is good.

Peace and love,

xXx

17.8

2010-02-18T18:14:00.003+02:00

Toy shop

Not just any old toy shop. Today I ventured into the unknown. Me and a friend went to an adult supply shop. Lolz. I was so freakin nervous when we approached it. Haha how stupid and paranoid can one be?! But I mean imagine how awkward it would be if u spot someone u know lolz!!!!

Nway was browsing through the toys and OMG I want one lolz. Didn't buy anything = was just window shopping and all. Lolz. I first have to find a place to hide the stupid thing. Lol. Saw one that is urm cute lolz. It is purple and 17,8 cm lolz OMG WTF!!! ME = WHORE!!!!

Got a nice compliment today. A girl I am friends with said to me that she and another person had discussed me the previous day. She told me that they came to the conclusion that I "fill up a pair of jeans damn good". YAY ME!!!!

I have to go write three reviews so maybe I'll post some more later.
I skipped my idea for the post today. If i get time later I will post it. I am kinda keen to share it with u.

Okay ladies see u later.

Peace and love,

xXx

The music

2010-02-17T23:16:00.005+02:00

I am so hyped right now!!!

As u well know by now my entire existance is soley dependant on music. It is in every fibe of my being. The reason that I am so amped is beacuse I just discovvered my fm transmiter in my closet. So now I can use my USB in the car agian. This is so awesome - esspecially seeing that I have a 2 hour commute everyday. Music is what keeps me sane.

I thought I would give u guys all the oppertunity to name one of ur fav songs of all time or just a song that u like at the moment and I will include this on my playlist! Yay!

I am planning what I think is a kewl post for tomorow. It will require some interactivity. I hope that u guys wil buy into it. If not FML and then we die. Haha!

So Thursday and Friday is 9-5 uni for me and then on Friday evening I have a flat warming at one of my girl friends' flat. There will be at least two gay guys. EECK! Nervous a bit. I usually get attention and then I don't know how to cope with it. I think I'll just start drinking well before they arrive. Then I will be lank willing to chat them up whahah! Social lubricant of choice: Vodka!

Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy...

P.S. Welcome Robert!

Cheers vir eers

Peace and love,

xXx

Today's post: Part two

2010-02-17T01:09:00.002+02:00

Hey this is just to let u guys know that I have put up a new poll.
So please go and vote if u feel like it. I already did!

Be sure to check out my previous post of the day!

Peacer and love,

xXx

Cuties are everywhere

2010-02-16T21:12:00.005+02:00

Well hello good people of blogworld!

What an interesting day...so far! Decided to go into uni earlier to get some much needed work done. Didn't happen. I got there and was feeling so social that I ended up having a great chat with all my friends! Good times!

OMW! One of my gf's got this one amazingly cute guy to come speak with us. So I have one big ass crush on his cute face! And so I spoke with him and we teased the girl and he laughed at all my jokes. EGO BOOST! Lolz! So that was all good and well! ;-p

Then I had three hours of boring class and had do go do a exercise which took me hours. So I got home at 21h. Bleh FML! Would have been here much earlier but this girl asked me for a lift, cause her mother's car broke down. It took me 40min to drop her, but bleh it is okay - my good deed for the day.

Ah more boy news rather!? There is this 4th year at my uni and he is also a model. Gawd he is one of the most amazing creations I have ever seen! And I get the oppertunity of seeing him almost everyday. It makes my life so much better. Don't get me wrong. looks ain't everything, but I study art for a living and he is a damn masterpiece. *Drools*

Meh, bleh, pfft! Have some essay to do tonight still, but yeah I'll leave that for later. I wanted to post first and keep u guys up to date.

I am still obsessed with my iMac. It has increased my life quality so much lolz! Just sux - my external hard drive is not compatible with mac so geez there goes some more money down the drain. Lolz. Maybe I should make it my dirty PC porn storage. O, wait I don't watch porn. (No not like never, but I am just over it for now. To much of a good thing, eh?)

Nway fuckers. I'll leave ya to it. I have to go read ur stuff now, so I'm off.

P.S. Welcome GMB!

Peace and love,

xXx

My first...

2010-02-15T23:31:00.006+02:00

So I have been running this blog since the end of December. Usually I get about 30 hits if I am lucky. But today this has changed a bit. I have had over 100 hits already. This is quite puzzling to me. Obviously someone mentioned me and that person has got to be very popular loz!

So after playing Sherlock Holmes (aka Sam told me) I found that the person responsible for this surge of interest is Seth!

Seth u are freakin AWESOME! THANX MAN!

So come on, let me entertain u!

A while back I gave my followers carte blanche to suggest a topic for a post. I will start with one today.

My firsts

My first time getting my hair coloured: 13
The first time I was operated on: 3 Weeks old
My first crush: Age 7
My first time kissing a girl: 17
My first time driving a car: 18
My first time kissing a guy: 16
My first time being drunk: 12
My first time going away from home alone: 12
My first time...ya know: 16
My first time admitting my sexuality: 15
My first time eating sushi: 17 (MY FAV FOOD!!!)
First time watching porn: 12
My firt million: bleh fml still working on it.

Mkay, that seems like enough for now. If u wanna know more feel free to ask in the comments section and I will prolly oblige u with an answer.

On a different note, my uni is getting quite hectic. this term ends on April 1. By then I still have left to do:

21 Assignments
3 tests/exams
6 Presentations
2 Shoots

So imma be a busy boy this next month. But don\t fear I will still post very often. As u know by now I am quite addicted to u...

P.S. This is my second post for the day!

Peace and love,

xXx

OMG YUMMY

2010-02-15T20:43:00.005+02:00

Okay guys this will be a very short post. I am quite busy and have loads of work to do. I am planning on making a decent post later on tonight, but I have to take time to pay homage to a very yummy fashion trend where I live at the moment.

Men's short shorts...

*DROOLS*

It is absurd! I am constantly facing yummy legs and I am finding it very hard to not jump them legs...

Short shorts thou art a heartless bitch!

P.S. WELCOME to michaelluke and oldmidhurstian

Peace, love and hormones,

xXx

MAC MAC MAC

2010-02-14T23:09:00.004+02:00

I am so in heaven right now!!!

I am typing my first official post from my new iMAC!!!!
U guys have no idea how thrilled I am. I hate my old stupid pc and stupid microsoft windows.

FUCK U FOREVER!!!!

I am so amped to get Final Cut Pro and get some majour practise in.

On another note: To all my sexy fuckers...

HAPPY V-DAY I HOPE ALL LOSE THEIR V-PLATES!

I am so single and I am so looking!

Geez this post was so lame I will try harder in the future. I am just so amped to get back to exploring my mac that I don't know what to say.

I will get to the posts u asked for in this week!

Have a great week!

P.S. Welcome Seth and Charlie!!!!

Peace and love,

xXx

A new day dawns

2010-02-10T23:50:00.002+02:00

So today was good.

I have such a wonderful life and amazing support system. I feel like shit for not coming out to my parents. I can't believe I am doubting their response.

Today I slept in late like untill about 11h ish and then I wen to class to 17h. Came home about 18h and then we had a braai. Invited three of my galz over for some drinking and they just went home.

GREAT FUN AHEAD!!!

We rented a house by the sea for the weekend! so mommy and dad said (lolz yeah I am really 20) that I can bring two people with. So I am taking two of my fav fag hags with me lolz. They call them my "Grace". U work it out lol! Nway, mom was like "Ah gwad just don't bring some prune, I wanna have some company with spunk!"

Fuck me, I love my mom!!!

My dad added that they must each bring a bottle of vodka if they wanna get in the car.

Fuck me, I love my dad!!!

In other news!!!! I am ordering my iMac tomorrow. FML DEBT here I come. But I have to. I will just work hard and pay it off or something lolz! Any takers ;-p

So, wait I should be heading off to bed I have a full day of classes laying ahead and two meeting so...bleh!

But wait there is more: Hopefully I am not to tired after class cause I have a b-day bash at a club so I have to be full of energy cause everyone is expecting me to be the life of the pardy and I have already apparently promised the bday girl a lap dance.

FML!

Peace and love,

xXx

The Hope Factor

2010-02-09T18:09:00.006+02:00

Mission: Deconfusing the followers

Oke so I admit that I only let u guys get the bare minimal facts about what happened.

But firstly, I miss Habibi!!!

Nway, don't mind that if u don't catch it.

Okay, so nothing majours happened yesterday. Something significant did however occur. It was a pebble in my pond and I am dealing with the ripples.

I was not a fool to believe in what I did. There was always the hope factor. I was not led on explicitly, yet sometimes I actually was. But in this tale there lies much more subtle hints and flirtation...binging on my deepest desires...

Guys 6 years is a long time and as most of u will know that much effort can not be sustained without any form of "gratification".

That being said. I gave my all. I did more then most people will ever give. I have been weighed, I have been measured and I have been found wanting or whateva...

At least apparently I was considered, which means that I did do enough in order to be satisfied in my attempy and have no regrets in never having it progress any further.

Truth is he grew out of it. I never did.

But now as I stand here today and look back I can already see the cracks and the flaws and truth be told: There was/is too much between us.

I did not give up. I really didn't. I have gone a far a humanly possible.But no longer. I have to maintain a sense of self respect. I have offered my self to the extreme. I have exploited my soul. This in itself is so unhealthy. I knew this. But as I said...the hope factor...

I had a discussion yesterday. The question was raised: What is the reason behind it all? I answered: The reason lies intertwined between the future we decide upon and the past we choose to define.

I am going to be proud of myself for standing up for what i believe in. Yes I did thing I am not proud of. But and how ironic that he taught me this:

Life is too short to live blind folded with regret.

The part that freaks me most is that I am so accepting of all this. I think I have been preparing myself for over a year.

I do not accept defeat. I will only be defeated if I stay on like this any longer.

Today I am a new man.

Bleh, a young man. And I have new goals in sight.

Watch this space!

Love and peace,

xXx

Numb

2010-02-09T00:46:00.005+02:00

I am so very much in emotional pain right now...

I've never spoken about this on here, but something just happened and I need to.

My best friend...

Oh my, where should I start...

He is the most amazing person to me in the entire world. One of only two people I would lay my life down for without thinking about it. (Mommy, if u were wondering!)

And yes duh I am in love with him.

We have been friends for over 12 years. He has such a profound influence on me. I kinda don't even know what my life would have been without him. Ludicrous.

We have gone through everything. Majour ups, downs. He is my life. I love him so fucking much.

Let us not to the marriage of true minds, eh?

I am such a fool.

I am so confused and hurt. I have been knowlingly in love with him for at least 6 years.

He knows we have had so much discussions on it.

But tonight with one sentece he crushed my world. I am feeling so numb.

This is it, Josh. The day u have been dreading for all those years. This is the night you have to let go...

...help...

3000

2010-02-08T00:08:00.005+02:00

YAY what a nice bday gift guys - 3000 hits lolz!

Well I know people like MeMyselfndMyHand gets that in an hour lolz, but to me this is so freakin awesome!!! To think some people take time out of their day to read my blog makes me feel very special and I am honoured!!!

U GUYS ROCK!!!

As my belated birthday present to u I am giving the wheel over to my followers:

PAM PAM PAM (lolz)

Everyone that wants can leave a topic for a post in the comments section and then I shall blog about it.

U have carte blanche!

Can't wait!!!

Peace and love,

xXx

20

2010-02-07T17:05:00.004+02:00

Two decades old...

Meh...I don't know what to make of it. I think I have a bit of a midlife crisis or something haha! Silly me!

So I have been a bit quite his month. Only three posts so far. This will prolly happen from time to time I guess.

On Friday I had a uni pardy and it was awesome I really did enjoy it very very much... I smoked as well. Fuck I wish I could stop myself when I get like that, but bleh, mom always says u have to die from something so...ahah

Had a lot of people over today for a braai and so forth. It was nice. Unfortunatly my dad was called out to work cause a machine caught fire and it started to burn down a field. He is a project manager and seeing that it is his project he obviously had to go. So I havn't seen him today.

My brother and his girl also called from overseas to congratulate me. Gosh it is always so awkward to have such conversations over the phone haha!

Gift wise it was not such a good year hehe. But meh I don't really mind cause it is much appreciated. All I mean is that if they took any time to ask me some shit over the past 20 years they would know that I am not that much of a chocolate eater lolz >>> I have a pile of chocolates strewn all over my room hah!

Nway bloggers, hope u all have a great day.

Peace! and Love!

xXx

I'm sick of it

2010-02-04T14:20:00.004+02:00

Nero Linguistic Programming

Bleh! Yesterday at uni we had this lecturer for a 2 hour session. This totally fucked me up good. After the lesson I had to drive home for 2 hours in traffic and the combo of this just made me physically sick. I was really down in the dumps...

After using the technique named above the lecturer started this program with us that challenged us to define our life goal. OMG!!! He crushed about half of our "confused undefined goals and dreams" and psycho-analyzed a lot of us in front of everyone. I'm am prolly being a bit sensitive, but I think this is quite inappropriate.

If u are wonderng why his "effect" on me "affected" me so much...drum roll please:

My goal: To one day die with a heart full of love and appreciation.

Seriously, that is my ultimate life goal.

How can ur life goal be to die?

On my way home I gave a girl a lift home and for the two hours we spoke about the session and this shifted to our religious believes and my sexuality and when I got home I had to take some paracetamol pills to stop my body from tripping out.

I was nauseous, sore, had headache cold fever, upset stomach etc... Why was this happening?

I know why...it is because I feel I am living a lie. And eventhoug my life goal is somewhat absurd to most it is what I want. And I will not achieve it as long as I being dishonest to people about my sexuality.

My greatest obstacle in life at the moment is myself.

Guys, the thing is my parents won't disown me or throw me out of the house...
I just kinda feel it. They would still love me. They would acknowledge it, even though they may never accept it. I am content with this.

I am truly comfortable with my sexuality. I know who I am and what I like and what I don't like.

So why don't I tell them...

Because:

I just can't stand the idea of crushing them. They will be so confused, sad, angry, scared and all at the same time.

And I one of the main things would be the "embarrassment" they would have to suffer at the hand of some of their friends and colleagues. I know they will defend me if the need be, but I don't want to create this issue for them. It is not their battle to fight.

Anyway, so when I got home I was ready to just go into a state of depro, but I couldn't cause I invited about 14 people to our home to meet my German friends. So I had to be a good host and run the show.

I didn't know how I would be able to get through the night, but then something amazing happened...

My family came together in the most amazing way. The atmosphere was warm, loving and cosy and we had a great night! I think the Germans was really intrigued by the whole evening. I even found the guy just staring at what was going on most of the time. I found myself doing the same.

And at that moment all the stress just floated out of my body...and I felt loved...

I love my family...wow did I just say this? This would be the first time in my 19, almost 20 years of living that I said this...

So after they all went home I was just so tired and calm that I fell asleep almost immediately. I decided to stay home for today and tomorrow and just gather myself and relax for a bit. So maybe tonight I am joining the Germans for dinner at my fav restaurant in the world.

Life really does seem awesome.

I really do think I have one of the best lives one could ever whish for.
I am that guy.

I just need to get out and be honest, before I am become the architect of my own disaster...

for those of you that is intrigued by NLP here is a link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

Peace and love,

xXx

Sleep when ur dead

2010-02-02T20:52:00.008+02:00

Hey guys!!!

Firstly, welcome Anton! He is the latest follower. Thanx for taking the time!

Bleh! What an awesomely active past two days I have had! So uni has started and I found out today that I got into all the classes that I wanted to take! So amped! This means I will defnitly need a Mac. So I am contacting a few connectiona and will prolly order it by the weekend. FML. I really don't have the money for it. I will have to take out a loan, but if I wanna take my studies seriously I will have to do this.

Went out on Monday evening with some German friends that are visiting and ended up going hom after 3AM and had to get up at 5h30AM!!!! SO tired, but had a great jol!

Nway, on a more sombre note something stupid happened. One of my best uni friends is a lesbian. And someone started this lame rumour saying that she is apparently telling everyone that she kissed this other girl. Now this is not true, cause my friend is in the closet. So why would she tell people that? Anyway, so it became a big story on campus: HOW CHILDISH! She was in a state. I felt so sorry for her. People can be so fucking stupid sometimes GRRRR!!!

So the new first year arrived! AND OMG I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS ONE CUTIE! He has pich black messy hair is lean and has the sexiest legs. SO YUMMY! I have decided I am gonna perve on him and offer him private tutor lessons ahaha! That is if I manage to pluck up the courage to talk to him >>> See usually when I am hot for someone I get so silly and shy ahah! But, sighs, I would love to hold his hand! And maybe show him the ropes, ya know?!

P.S. When someone rocks a mowhawk they rock my world lolz!

Nway!!!!

Peace and love,

xXx

Post a la random

2010-01-31T23:19:00.004+02:00

This will be a short post cause I'm tired.

So official my 9 week vacation has ended. I will be getting up tomorrow to start the hardest work of my life yet. Well oke not entirely true. This week will be orientation like always. But from next Monday it is full steam, until the end of November.

At least I had an amazing day end it all.

Got up early this morning. Went..SHOPPING!!! Got two new pairs of shoes, some socks to go with it, a new shirt and some sexy undies...GRRRR!!!!!!!!!! FUCK I LOVE SEXY UNDIES!

Nway then I went with the family. We were hungry so went to this nice seaside restaurant and I had the best fish that I have EVER tasted. It basically melted in my mouth. It was the sex!

After that we went for a drive along the coast and then eventually headed home. As we turned into the driveway one of my friends called me up and asked if I wanna join for sun downers at the beach . No brainer! So I went and it was fucking rad. Met some German peeps visiting and so on and they are really nice. So tomorrow after class I am taking them out.

Two random things happened tonight. I had my sunglasses on well after the sunset cause I forgot my prescription glasses at home. So eventually I had to take them off. And when I did some girl just freaked out and said it is the most beautiful eyes she has ever seen. She wouldn't believe me that I didn't wear colour contacts. Now this always surprise me cause about a dozen peole has had this reaction. It is just ironic that my Glaucoma riddled eyes seem to be my best asset.

More weirder, I received a letter by speed post from a modeling agency for the SA 2010 Model Ramp Awards. I was like OMGW WTF!!! I have firstly never modelled and secondly as much as I would love to model I am simply NOT good looking enough to be a model.

But yeah fuck it I love myself anyways lolz!

Nway peace and love and I hope I have the stamina to keep posting in the times ahead...

xXx

I got wet!

2010-01-30T16:54:00.003+02:00

Bleh, not in a good way!

So I was at the club chatting away with my friends when the guys to the table next to us took some what i hope was water/alcohol and splashed it in my fucking pretty face lolz. So I just kinda ignored it, cause I really am able to stay calm in situations like these. Other people's stupidity rarely piss me off enough for it to warrant a reaction from me. Anyhow, so I reengaged in the conversation just to be splattered a second time. Which I just ignored again. Surprised was I not when he did it a third time. So this time I just looked him in his eyes and calmly said "mission accomplished". And the again I just reengaged in conversation.

He didn't bother me again.

I really think this guy was really stupid and childish. I mean wtf! Grow up! He was such a dick anyways he used the FUCKING AWFUL word "kaffir" numerous time in his conversations. For those of u that doesn't know what it means, it is a very degrading term used back during Apartheid to insult black people. It is much like the word "nigger". That I think was one of the reason that I didn't get mad, cause he was such a pathetic individual who does not deserve to be taken seriously enough to pay any sort of attention to.

So why then did he do it to me? Well, frankly, I am fem. I mean, I am not flamboyant gay. But I am a fem bi guy and if u are not living in ignorance it is really easy to spot this. So apparently he thought a good splash in the face would get me "fucking some bitches" with him or something.

Bleh! To whoever u are. Thank you for making me aware that I am proud of who I am. Thank you for making me see that I am a great person.

I hope that one day u will be able to say the same for urself.

L for love lolz

Peace and love,

xXx

One giant victory for me' liver!

2010-01-29T20:56:00.004+02:00

Bleh!

No predrinks! My face crumbles "like a bridge into a river"! Lolz!

So ya, spend a hour or so getting my home nice and clean and all atmospheric, with lights and candles and music and what not and now it was just cancelled, cause everyone is running late. It is no big deal, it's just I hate the let go of a mood I was getting into for a few hours lolz. Weirdo?! So now that I have this extra hour I thought I could make another quick post before I go out.

Nway I was observing all the subcultures in SA. Especially the non-hetro's. And out of all it was evidently clear to me that gay guys to have it the best. I wonder why this is. I don't know if this is a international phenomenon or not or if it is just here in SA. At least in the part of SA where I live.

I wonder why this is. I mean for a bi guy I also reap some of the benefits of this "finding". I was thinking, and humour me here, maybe straight girls' apparent liking in gay guys has much to do with this. It is almost as if they are the gateway drug for gay guys into the illusive world of heterosexuals. Lolz! Am I tripping here?

It is also very clear to me that there is a definite tendency for lesbians to be much more underground then gay guys. It is no strange sight to see two guys as a couple. but it is not very frequently that one spots a lesbian couple.

What makes it the more interesting is that there seems to be a definite separation between the world of lesbians and gays here. Of course at rallies and so it will not be like this, but for most part it seems that the lifestyles do not intertwine that much

I am betting that this is maybe very obvious to most of u reading this and u are going "Wft how do u think this is news to us?". Well, honestly, remember I am new to this and I am not an active player in the "gay community".

Or is this not like this where ya'll live?

Nway this was just a random thought that popped into my little head.

Love and peace,

xXx

P.S. I made a post earlier today so be sure not to look it over!

Agenda: Stuff

2010-01-29T15:45:00.006+02:00

Yo guys!

The results are in and the winner of American Id....bleh give it a few more months! Btw, one kewlest thing about living in SA is being able to watch MNET. It is a channel on cable or whatever. I believe if there was a international competition for the best channel in the world, it would be a strong contender to win! It has nearly all the best shows in the world. It has 8 of the 10 recent best show nominations of the Golden Globes airing at the moment. And then also all the other fan favourites and other brilliant shows. Not to mention airing film premiers in the same year of release. I really think it is AMAZING. Something I find to be VERY interesting is that that our Sunday Evening premier slot went to....American Idol. It used to show during the week on another smaller channel AND we were way behind, but now we are only one week behind basically. This is arguably one of the most sought after time slots on our viewing calendar. Mmm...it kinda reflects a lot about the current influence of USA in the South African culture.

The poll results are in! Thank you to the people that voted!

The question was: Ur only truly bi if u have had sexual encounters with both sexes?

The results are as follows:

Hell Yeah!!!
3 (17%)

Not at all!!
9 (52%)

Still deciding
1 (5%)

Don't believe in bi
4 (23%)

This was very interesting to me. I thought that the majourity of the vote would go to "Hell Yeah". But half of the people that voted, thought as me, that bisexuality is a (emotional) state of being, and does not need a chance sexual encounter to solidify this.

What is find quite saddening is that 23% voted "Don't believe in bi"...
I am quite a silly little boy and I would like to paste something to my own embarrassment. I always though homosexual people are all this one big group of open minded people. But, yeah that was when I was way younger. I mean I thought if someone had to go through a struggle to prove their "normality" that they would become aware that people differ and so forth. Catch my drift. Nway, I find it frustrating to not be accepted by either hetro or homo communities.

To the four people who voted that option: I do respect ur right of opinion. I just wish I could understand ur train of though. What makes u think that bisexuality is not real. Do u believe in pansexuality, ambisexuality, asexuality and so forth?
Actually everyone is welcome to comment on the last question.

I am here. I am real.

Nway on a other note! I am seeing a friend today for the first time in over two months, so quite excited bout that! A group of us is going out to a club to just get into a kewl vibe! I don't feel like drinking much tonight so that is good news for my liver! Haha!

Hope u all have a great day!

Peace, lover and liver

Seacrest out!

xXx

The Questionnaire

2010-01-28T12:14:00.006+02:00

The sun shone through my window today and whispered to me: "Hey, Kiddo, ur alive!!!"

And on that bright note I got up and started my day!

As u can see I feel a lot better today. Had a good rest and I am looking forward to some sushi today. Yummy! Even better then some nice legs...

I am always tempted to fill out other questionnaires, but I am always to lazy to do so. Bleh! But, I think the time has come. And I think I shall make my own one and then u guys are welcome to do it as well! (Actually, I'm on my knees... begging u ;-P) I will keep it short. Ten questions or so. Also be sure to check in later today when I shall reveal the poll results! PAM PAM PAM! (Fail)

BTW I'm planning on asking really random questions that will require some thought and maybe a strong stomach. U are thus warned!

So, here goes:

1. Would u tell someone if they had bad breath?

Not directly. What I normally do is I would offer them some of my tic tacs on a regular basis and maybe comment in the open that out of a lot of things that put me off, bad breath is one of the worst. I mean one has to try and be tactful, cause some people have medical conditions and can't always help it.

2. Would u tell the police if ur best friend did something really bad?

Prolly not. I think the only time I would report it would be if someone got seriously injured or killed.

3. Would u break up with ur partner if u found out ten years into the relationship u are long lost brother/sister?

Hell no! I mean by this time we already did the nasty a million of times so what is the use? What worse can happen?

4. Would u clean ur best friend's vomit?

Yeah, and I have.

5. Would u marry for money?

Mmmm, if I don't find someone I really love by the age of 45, only then, MAYBE yes... Bleh, therw would have to be some sort of attraction at least.

6. Have/will u rewrap gifts u didn't like and give it 2 someone else?

I have done it in the past. But, I mean if I get a salary one day I won't do it. I have a budget u know? And what use to I have for 20 boxes of chocolate? I don't even really like chocolate!

7. Would u break up with someone if they have an incurable STD? (one that u didn't give to them lolz)

This is difficult. Honestly, we would have to be very much in love nah I would have to love that person to death for it not to affect my feelings. I don't know, I have never encountered it before.

8. Have u ever "stalked" someone silently on Facebook?

Duh?!

9. Do u treat good looking people better?

Duh?! Everyone does (I think?!). It is just how the evil world works. I mean initially if u find someone attractive u would slightly favour them over a person u find unattractive.

AND NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE!!!

10. Would u bum ur dad to save ur mom's life? (Thnx Jimmy Carr!)

I love my mommy...

ANYWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I pasted the questions in the comments section so feel free to copy it from there!

Peace, love and guts

xXx

Ups and Downs

2010-01-27T15:41:00.004+02:00

Those of u that have followed me from the start would know that I am a very happy person. I enjoy life in general. And I enjoy MY life. I am very much in tune with myself and I also have an amazing support system of family and friends.

I really get a kick out of seeing the beautiful details in everything and appreciate everything around me. Sometimes it even makes me cry. Some people think I am living in a bubble. Sometime when down I think the same.

But ya know...fuck it. I am who I am and this is me.

If u are wondering what prompted this...well, I was involved in an incident yesterday where someone could have gotten hurt. Maybe even killed.

And maybe I have to carry part of the blame for it.

I dunno, it is all a blur now. I was so scared and freaked out. I had to go to the police station and get a case number and everything.

I don't really think it would be smart to divulge any details cause of the legal complications.

Point is I think I am in shock and maybe even a bit depressed today. I can't believe it happened. I didn't really get any sleep and I am feeling quite drained of energy.

I just really hope the person will be okay, and that I will get over it as well.

Some people I spoke to say I am being dramatic and bleh maybe I am, but I understand how precious life is and I do not want to be resposible for ending it.

Peace, love and tears,

xXx

P.S. This is the last day u get to vote on the poll

The End

2010-01-25T15:01:00.003+02:00

This is it. Drum roll!!! The conclusion of the 100 random facts. As promised this will be about me fwiends!

Lol, wait this actually ended up mostly about me again...vain bastard. Bleh, at least I tried?

76. All my friends are pretty arty
77. I think 70% of my good friends are girls
78. I have a tendency to have crushes on my friends
79. My oldest friendship is 12 years and going strong
80. I am very popular with my friends' mothers
81. I don't really have superficial friendships
82. Hence, I know everything about everyone
83. We were very social creatures and not unpopular at school despite making up more then half of the top ten academics in my year group. We made turns as the top student of each turn lol
84. I have a tendency to have good-looking friends. This I noticed just now as I am making this post
85. Most of my friends don't eat tomatoes WTF!?
86. Ahhh one new years we missed 12 o'clock by 5min lolz so we celebrated new years with every time zone that followed for 6 hours >>> LEGEND
87. I sometimes take in "social outcasts" and make them my mini project. They usually end up too cool for me and dumps my friendship. Bleh, i did my good deed.
88. We are very liberal and people often think we are immoral, but time and time again we prove this wrong. We have high standards
89. I have a lot of bi/gay friends come to think of it
90. If we start a political party and get elected we will most likely end doing a very good job
91. In fact no matter what we do we will be very successful
92. I like to think I play/played an important part in my friends' lives
93. WE LIKE TO PARDY! FAW SHAW!
94. Wow i really do have a lot friends that are very close to me. I mean like somewhere in the area of ten best friends. Some people only have one. Or none. I thank whatever Gods may be...
95. We speak about everything in the open. Especially me. Some people see this a being crude. I think if u do not u are just freakin pretenscious. (yes there is a sense of occasion also)
96. 85% of us kept contact after school I think this is very kewl!
97. Sarcasm and irony is our main language
98. Most of us actually read Harry Potter and don't just watch the movies
99. Red balloons lolz
100. We LOVE music and sushi

That's a wrap!

Love and peace,

xXx

25 Down

2010-01-24T22:24:00.007+02:00

I think it is time for me to start wrapping up on my 100 random facts posts. But geez I really am not that random it seams. I feel very vain doing this all about myself and so I thought I would give some info on my family...

51. My grandma is a psychopath really lol
52. My grandfather has been smoking for 61 years!!!
53. My mom and dad fight a lot, but wait there is more:
54. My mom and dad is so in love I can puke - holding hands, kissing: BLEH!
55. Two of my cousins stay with us. Basically siblings so to say.
56. My brother and I struggle to get along
57. My parents married when my mom was 19. She and my dad got together when she was 13 and he was 16. They are now 44 and 47. OMG!!!! LOL!!!!
58. My dad is mr fix-it. He is so practical!
59. My dad was a jock at school lol GO DAD >>> NOT!
60. Shame my parents do everything to support their children
61. Apparently I look like my mom's side of the family, but has my dad's eyes
62. We eat as a family at a table most days of the week
63. Our extended family gets together every Wednesday for a braai
64. My family was good to people of other races during Apartheid >>> PROUD!!!
65. My dad has had two heart attacks and heart surgery before
66. Both my brother and dad has Glaucoma, but no side-effects
67. Mommy is self-employed and earns a tad more then daddy >>> EPIC!!! U GO GIRL!!!
68. When younger, a car fell on my dad's face while he was working under it
69. My family can drink well loads. It is just crazy every Wednesday lolz
70. One lady in my extended family was killed in a farm attack last year
71. The oldest person in my extended family is almost 77 years old
72. The youngest person in my extended family is 4 months old
73. Everyone in my family is very strong willed and has a strong personality. It is like a war zone when we fight. Lolz how dysfunctional, yet charming
74. We eat a lot of chicken - Lol I love chicken!
75. We always have music playing EVERYWHERE!!!

Think my next one will be of my friends!

Love and peace

xXx

Why I do things the way I do

2010-01-22T20:44:00.007+02:00

So bloggers!

Since last I posted a lot has happened.

{You may find this post to be boring and vain}

Firstly, my pc's power supply screwed up, so that explains my lack of posting. But, not to fear, I had it checked out and all is working 100% now.

Also, my middle finger on my right hand is a few milimtres shorter. Thanks to the razor blade of my shaver and my stupidity. Don't even ask!

I had an amazing two days of binge drinking at a festival. I was suppose to stay until Sunday, but I just had enough of alcohol. But it was good times and I had a blast with my friends.

I am in such a weird mood tonight. I am just chilling in my room, drinking some wine, burning incence and listening to Edith Piaf.

I though I could share with u something that I found to be very interesting. I had in the past taken personality indicator tests before I went to university. I unfortunatly lost the results. So I decided to redo it online. I did the Myers Briggs test and my results are as follow:

Out of the possible 16 outcomes I was placed in the personality code category:

ENFP

E = Extroversion (Opposed to Introversion)
N = Intuition (Opposed to Sensing)
F = Feeling (Opposed to Thinking)
p = Perceiving (Opposed to Judging)

Also known as CLARIFIER

Warmly enthusiastic, high-spirited, ingenious, imaginative. Able to do almost anything that interests them. Quick with a solution to any difficulty and ready to help anyone with a problem. Often rely on their ability to improvise instead of preparing in advance. Can usually find compelling reasons for whatever they want. Gifted observers and enterprisers. Charming and likable. Not interested in routine living patterns.

The Idealist's core needs are for the meaning and significance that come from having a sense of purpose and working toward some greater good. Idealists need to have a sense of unique identity. They value unity, self-actualization, and authenticity. Idealists prefer cooperative interactions with a focus on ethics and morality. Idealists tend to be gifted at unifying diverse peoples and helping individuals realize their potential. They build bridges between people through empathy and clarification of deeper issues.

I then researched it further and found that I am a Idealist Clarifier.
I then fall under the subcategory Discoverer Advocate

Inspiring and facilitating others. Exploring perceptions. Talent for seeing what’s not being said and voicing unspoken meanings. Seek to have ideal relationships. Recognize happiness. Living out stories. Want to authentically live with themselves. Respond to insights in the creative process. Finding the magical situation. Restless hunger for discovering their direction.

So, now you know.

I just read Lunario's post he made after his hiatus. It got me thinking about blogworld. I posted the following question to him. Something to think about:

Would one rather have fake friends in a real world or real friends in a fake world?

Peace, and love!

xXx

More of me

2010-01-17T23:57:00.005+02:00

So, the second installment of "me":

26-50

26. I am a huge procrastinator
27. I have a mild case of Internet addiction
28. I wish I could speak more languages then I do
29. I never have enough hangers in my closet
30. I usually skip breakfast - yeah I know it is really stupid
31. I drive a really nice car, which I don't deserve
32. I love olives and cheese
33. I'm not a big pizza fan
34. I hate film remakes
35. I love having a many versions/covers of a song possible - especially Somewhere over the rainbow and Amazing Grace
36. I agree with Simon 90% of the time
37. Apparently I always make awkward silences worse?
38. I have no sense of direction
39. I cannot draw very well - bummer I love to draw
40. I was once resuscitated after 5min of like "darkness"
41. I was actually really dropped on my head as a baby
42. I have been operated on 22 times in my life
43. Strangers always come to me and ask for a lighter. I don't smoke as a rule.
44. Someone once asked my mom if I was blind? I was in the same room as them. (lolz)
45. I am terribly impractical
46. I can justify almost everything I do
47. I shave my armpits and will do the same with my chest when I ever grow chest hair. THANK GOD I don't. Weird for a almost 20-year-old dude I think. Bleh, I'm not complaining.
48. I love to drink milk before I go to bed. 2% ONLY
49. I have never watched an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition without crying
50. I sometimes crave peanut butter

Peace and love,

xXx

Overexposed

2010-01-16T01:43:00.005+02:00

This is me. Please, do not fuck with me.

I am in a very peculiar mood. Have u ever felt as if u know exactly who u are? Tonight I can carry the world upon my shoulders...

I know why I am here.

I am here to help people. Not only poor people with love and money. I have the need to satisfy my thurst in arts.

I want to promote art in my country. Especially in my own culture.
If u have following me 4 me for a while, u will knoe that this is a majour step for me.

It feels more then right, it feels like my destiny.

That I have chosen.

I am happy...
I am.

I do not wish to leave SA. I want to make people proud of their heritage.
Something I never had. I want them to know.

And I wil fight for LGBT. Eventhough we have all the rights. It is not enough.

I cannot promise any dates. But in this writing I do commit.

This is it.

Peace and love.

Believe me...

xXx

ME ME ME ME ME

2010-01-15T12:09:00.005+02:00

PAM PAM PAM

It has been decided by me, myself and I that I shall post 100 random facts bout myself 4 ur entertainment! How kewl right? I know, thank me later! This shall be done in 4 installments of 25. (Gawh, sounds so formal, right?!)

Here's ya first taste:

1. I sometimes wear a ring on my ring finger.
2. I don't own a hoodie - SHOCKER!
3. I have Glaucoma
4. I loose flash disks and lip ice by the droves
5. I did exceptionally well in grade 12 - despite beiNg absent for over 40 days
6. I'm out to about 25 people and have not had one bad reaction - WHAT?!
7. I own a lava lamp ahahah - GAY
8. I'm a chick magnet. What a waste lol! (Wait..I'm bi >_< )
9. I change clothes three times a day normally
10. I have an intense passion for traveling - O wait I can't afford it
11. I watch all sport world cups and beauty pageants
12. I have seen Celine Dion live in concert...twice HAHA
13. I am in love with wine
13. MUSIC = LIFE (very very WIDE music taste)
14. My fav comedy is Knocked up.
15. Confession: I am in love with Joe Jonas... *blushes*
16. I'm allergic to almost ALL animals
17. I don't like 'gasp' chocolate. (Well oke dark chocolate is good.)
18. Apparently I always smell nice.
19. I wear a watch that doesn't work - FASHION ACCESSORY!!!!
20. Team Conan!!!
21. Meryl Streep was hot in the Devil Wears Prada
22. I like older women and younger boys (legal)
23. My fav season is Winter
24. I like walking bare foot and reading, bur never really do it
25. I always type "liek" in stead of "like' - IDIOT TYPO

Peace and love,

xXx

P.FUCKING.S. I HAVE TICKETS TO AVATAR AT LONG LAST!!!

Time to vote!!!

2010-01-14T22:16:00.001+02:00

Yay, don't u just love it when it gets interactive?!

Yeah, I know u do!

So drag ur ass over to the pole and vote biatch!

Peace and love,

xXx

Feeling the heat!!!!

2010-01-14T17:04:00.006+02:00

So I just couldn't muster the power to make a post yesterday - it was 46 degrees Celsius (115 degrees Fahrenheit). Did i hear someone say parched?

Before I start I would just like to inform u that Sam from Confused yet Honest changed his blog URL to http://confused-honest-young-boy.blogspot.com/ Be sure to check him out!

I still have not seen Avatar 3D. This is severely depressing for me. I have tried in vain to book 10 times, yet it is sold out EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! WFT!!! People in SA don't go to cinema. This is unheard of. Unprecedented. James Cameron is the god of cinema. I mean the two highest grossing films of all time? (See sure I get the inflation thing, but still.)

I am sure a lot of u guys have watched it. Please tell me what you thought of it.

And in other news. I am in the process of shopping for a Mac. I kinda need it and i kinda want it. I am so fed up with Microsoft and all the bullshit. I run AVG full and Spybot Search & Destroy,, plus I have an extra firewall up. This severely limits my computing experience and quite frankly cramps my lifestyle. The only thing is, I'm not quite informed bout macs. I am looking at this one.

iMac 21.5-inch 3.06GH NEW
R13999 ($1885)
3.06GHz Intel Core 2 Duo
1920 x 1080 resolution
4GB memory
500GB hard drive
8x double-layer SuperDrive
NVIDIA GeForce 9400M graphics

The following in included:

What's included:
iMac
Apple Wireless Keyboard
Magic Mouse
Cleaning cloth
Power cord
Install/restore DVDs
Printed and electronic documentation
Mac OS X Snow Leopard
iLife (included software

Ok, so I'm counting on u guys to give me a crit....especially on the price 2. I don't really need portability since I already have a good laptop (and desktop pc).

Geez ahah I am so spoiled. Who has three computers....only in Africa....NOT!

Peace and love,

xXx

Forever in the Pink City

2010-01-12T23:20:00.013+02:00

I have been waiting some time to make this post. I am very very exited to share this with all of u since it is something that has to do with all of my readers. This will make for good reading, i promise:

South Africa's post-apartheid constitution was the first in the world to outlaw discrimination based on sexual orientation, and on 1 December 2006 South Africa made history by becoming the fifth country in the world and first in Africa to legalise same-sex marriage. One year later an equal age of consent was achieved; after long and lengthy debate and a complete overhaul of sexual offences legislation, consent was gender-neutralized at 16. Same sex couples can also adopt children as of 2002 and even more, it is allowed to make use of artificial insemination if the couple so chooses.

So even though Apartheid was one of the darkest era's, in our country and the world, some good did come of it. Don't get me wrong. What happened in the past was filled with dispare. But this is the future that was made possible in every way, because of it. So I want to thank every person that fought in the struggle for their freedom. Not only did u achieve this, but u also saved a faceless white boy that u had no idea existed....AMANDLA!!!!!

I am adding this paragraph after the first publishing of this post. In reflection of a conversation i had with a fellow blogger who did not entirely react as I anticipated after reading this post. Do u guys see what I was trying to make u see? I know there are a lot of u that have to hide who u are. That have to live in fear. I mean just check what is happening in Uganda. (And no it cannot be written of as "only a third world country", cause I live in Africa and I have more rights then any person in any country in the world. For those of u that long to marry, have children, just to be acknowledged: THERE IS HOPE! That was the messege that I was trying to convey. Hope. For you reading this. Hope.

If this interests u, I am going to paste two links elaborating on this topic:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_South_Africa

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_South_Africa

As always PEACE AND LOVE,

xXx

To tweet or not to tweet?!

2010-01-12T15:03:00.005+02:00

Eya!!!

So I have decided to make a twitter account. I really am not into the whole twitter movement. But, I always feel that one should try to keep up with the pop culture. Even if u do not partake in it, I think it is always a good idea just to be aware of it.

So if u want to follow me. Please do so. (I'll link it with the blog.)I'm giving this a trail period of two - three weeks or so. Bleh...

On a brighter note. I have a new follower. Yay! And I have reached a 1000 hits on my blog. So how kewl is that?! Hahah *amped*!

Nway, I'll make a decent post later on.

Peace and twitter,

xXx

P.S Username on Twitter: JoshuaDreamer

Tears are streaming down my face...cause atleast it doesn't use cap!

2010-01-12T01:11:00.005+02:00

I wanted to do a post. Had this really great idea for one. And then as I started to type I drew a complete blank lol!

But nevertheless I still have something interesting to share with u.
As I have mentioned to a few of my online friends to their utter dismay:

MY INTERNET IS CAPPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOCK!
HORROR!
ANGUISH!

Now most of u are so spoiled u would prolly not even know what that means. To put it straight: We pay for a certain amount of data cap a month. I get bout max 3 gigs A MONTH and this is kinda expensive. Bout R500. (+/- $50)

So what does it really mean:

YouTube is a luxury.
(Any streaming for that matter - yes I know....I KNOW!!!!)

This sux so bad u have no idea! Just try to imagine it for one second. If I download the latest itunes (on a standard motnh), 1/20th of my monthly cap is used up. Hahah! I have roughly about 65mb cap per day for BOTH uploads and downloads.

Okay so it could be worse right?
No Internet?

O, yeah one more thing: the upload speed is about 400kbsp - *blushes*

There is no place like home, there's no place like home!
(And in my head I start humming: "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight...)

FML!

Peace, love and happy surfing

xXx

One

2010-01-11T23:10:00.002+02:00

U gotta be kidding right? NOT!!!

2010-01-10T22:24:00.006+02:00

So, my dear internationally acclaimed readers...

Today, I thought, I shall school thou in the important role ordinary South African citizens played in all our silly little lives. I hear some skeptics say "What role"?! and to that I shall answer: "Inventions my dear Watson!" Yes, in between hunting for our daily food and combing our pet lions, we do make some time to sit and reflect in our huts and think of ways to better the world. Here follows a list of our finest accomplishments (thus far):

Action Potential Stimulation Device (APSD) for arthritis relief
Aloe vera products
Appletiser and Grapetiser
Barlow-Wadley broadband radio
Bell articulated trucks
Buchu appetite depressant
CAT scan, which uses x rays, radiation detectors and computers to produce images of planes through the body
Colindictor, the first device to record a telephone message
Computicket online booking system
Cybertracker, a handheld computer originally developed to help Khoisan trackers store data
Dart and Flamingo sports cars
Disa push-button telephone
Dolosse
Exhaust system, Vibol fuel-saving
Fire, first use of: recorded at Swartkrans cave from some 1.5 million years ago
Fourcade's spectroscope for three-dimensional mapping
Freeplay wind-up radios, torches and cell phone chargers
Heart transplant surgery performed by dr. Chris Barnard
Hippo drum water roller and the similar water-carrying Q-drum
Jetmaster fireplaces
Kreepy Krauly, Barracuda and Poolcop pool-cleaning systems
Murray 'Tour de Force' competition bicycle cranks
Nguni and Bonsmara cattle
Oil-from-coal refinery
'Playpump' water pump, powered by children on a roundabout
Plethysmograph for measuring rate of blood flow
Policansky fishing reels
Pratley putty
Radar, pioneering innovations
Radio, Wadley Loop Receiver
Rooibos tea and other products
Rooivalk helicopter and pilot's helmet
Scheffel bogie
SharkPod shark-repellant device
Shuttle low wattage transformers
Smartlock safety syringe
Smocking pleater for the garment industry
Speedgun for measuring the speed of a cricket ball
SUNSAT telecommunications satellite
Tellurometer (infrared)
Tellurometer (microwave)
Turboheat solar water heating spiral
Van der Bijl's pioneering vacuum tube for transcontinental radio broadcasts

Who would have guessed? (I am a bit surprised by a few entries myself >_<)
What is the most surprising to u?

Peace and love, peace and love!

xXx

"and...World Peace"

2010-01-08T15:40:00.004+02:00

So I was thinking bout something that just happened...

My dad just had an outburst bout some little thing. He asked me to do something for him. My honest intention was to help him out. My reply sentence started of with "No,........". I didn't type the rest of the sentence, since it apparently doesn't matter. In his stupidity he just heard the first word - "no" and this set him off.

He was cursing and swearing and telling me off and telling me that I should go clean my room and blablabla.

WTF?!

U know what...I'm quite a sucker, but sometimes I do feel sorry for him. He was recruited to the army when he was my age. It was mandatory at the time. He killed people. He "had to kill people". I hate that frame of mind. I think it was Einstein that said "killing under the cloak of war is still murder". I totally agree with this...

I mean how can it be "self-defense" if one GOES INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY with the INTENTION OF KILLING? I have never understood the concept of war. It is barbaric.
I am not ignorant to the fact that one has to stand up for what u believe in. There are other ways. I wish all guns, bombs etc. would disappear into oblivion.

Why? Why has it turned into this. Fine he was "fighting for his country". U know what? When I asked him about the war a few years back he didn't know what they fought for. No one in my country knows. I'm not speaking bout the political cover up. I'm speaking bout the real reason.

His best friend died in his arms... So i get it. I do. He is screwed up. I would be too. I would. But somehow I can't get myself to completely feel sorry for him. I mean it was his choice to go to war. I would have rather gone to prison. (Which was the other option u had if u didn't want to go to war.) I know I'll prolly get a lot of criticism from SOME of the American readers. Meh, I don't care. (Also, sorry if this stereotypically charged comments offends anyone.)

I would rather have spent two years behind metal bars then struggle my entire life caged between the bars of my mind.

As always my dear readers:

PEACE AND LOVE,

xXx

P.S. YAY FOR THE NEW FOLLOWERS!!!!

Heat stroke cuties

2010-01-06T07:57:00.003+02:00

Gawhs!

What a frikken day I had working on set. It was about 42degrees Celsius (108degrees Fahrenheit)!!! We started at about 7AM and called it a day at 8PM!!! Guys, I constantly had to tell myself not to die. Mostly because of the heat and secondly of the cuties giving me a heart attack!!! Haha ;-p

I had to shovel ground, help with set construction, carry things, put up tents, make food, take care of craft table, basically do all the dirty work (literally and figuratively). BUT, I really don't mind. I just appreciate the guys for letting me help out. We all need to start somewhere...

Worst of all there was NO SHADE OR BATHROOMS!!! At one point I started to get a headache, very nauseous, my legs went numbed and I kinda started to get dizzy on top of it. So what did I do? I took the drinking water and just poured it over my entire body. I had to, I would have died. Lol! I feel bad tho, since the water was limited.
But what is a man to do in a situation like this?!

Spoke to many of the crew and so forth and yeah they are really nice and supportive - giving a lot of advice and so forth. So that helps a lot. I mean they don't have to. So thanx people, U ROCK!!!!

Gonna go to a club tonight with loads of friends. What is the occasion u ask? Well, urm does one need a special occasion? Hehe!

On another note, thanx to MeMyselfndmyhand for the mention in ur blog. Ur 2 kewl!! Thanx to my newest follower and the other guys for linking to me as well!!!

As always,

Peace and love,

xXx

Short and sweet

2010-01-04T21:58:00.006+02:00

So, me again hehe

Tonight my beloved dad watched a tv dating show. Now tonight had a bit of a twist. It was guys on the show. He called my cousin and said "hey come look it's faggots"

Crash and burn. Every time I am near coming out something like this happens.

But I keep thinking, maybe this is said out of ignorance. I mean our parents (especially in my country) grew up with very screwed ideas of homosexuals. I bet they don't even know what bisexuality is...yay for me!!!

Maybe if u just stand by what I believe and come out all will get better. I can't actually believe that I am the one stressing bout coming out and being "bad". I am not the wrong one here in this situation. He is - for being such a damn bigot.

Guys, let's make this our year. We must try to come out in droves HAHA!
i'm a bit amped after watching Milk...

Strength in numbers.

Peace and love,

xXx

Zac to the rescue!

2010-01-04T15:09:00.005+02:00

Yo guys!

This post will be more down to the point after that long rant that I posted earlier. Basically I have a few questions for u bloggers and visitors.

But yeah that is kinda were one of the problems is coming in lol!

I have 6 followers - which is great! Thanx for taking time to read my bloggy!!!
But how on earth does one get more? I've had this blog for two weeks and am only at 100 hits.

Yeah, so I know blogging is for oneself and all, but I mean it would motivate me to invest more, which would be good for me. At least as I see it.

I link to quite a few people and do really enjoy reading blogs. So if u happen to stumble upon my blog and want me to link u I will do so. Plz just ask.

Also, I've decided to start leaving more comments and be more open about who I follow.

And if this fails I decided I'm just gonna paste a pic of Zac Efron!!!! Hahah

O, one of my fav blogs as I said is The Thoughts Of A gay Boy in High School. So Tyler made this really inspiring list of amazing things that are gonna happen to him this year. So i decided to make my own.

1. Start working on many sets - films, music video's etc.
2. Come out to more people
3. Come out to the parents - eeck!
4. Buy a Mac - so fed up with my pc
5. Start/take part in a charity
6. Start working out more! I am getting a workout program!
7. Record a few songs for fun
8. Become more spiritual/aware of my conscious being - I have this kewl new friend who reads cards. This is quite fasinating to me. Bleh, I donno, but I'm defo gonna check it out.
9. Pardy hardy with my buddies!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. SOCCER WORLD CUP BABY!!! IN MY COUNTRY!!!

So, this is what I could think of at thr mo'

Peace and love,

xXx

My life in blog

2010-01-02T23:51:00.011+02:00

So many ways to go. So many things to think about.
This will prolly end up as a long post.

P.S. This did end up being a very long post!!!!

So, my brother and his inevitable fiance is leaving SA tomorrow to go work abroad. They will be gone for 4 months or even 11 months. I don't know what to make of this. Me and my brother never did have a very strong relationship. In fact, he was criticizing my mother for buying fortune cookies when we ate Chinese the other day. "Do not meddle with this stuff." I mean, ffs, it's a cookie. THAT is how conservative and closed minded he is. He will probably be one of the very few people in my immediate social network that will reject me WHEN I come out to him.

BTW, I'm out to 20 people. Not one bad reaction. I think I am very fortunate thus far... So full steam ahead!

What kinda bothered me is that my mother said she saw my brother wiping away tears. OMG! How weird. My brother is a very manly man. I feel bad. I feel bad for him. But I fell more ashamed of myself... Even though he is a bigot, he is still my brother. I do not know why I find it so extremely hard to connect to my family and not to my friends. I am VERY VERY close with my friends, but even with my mother who is the kewlest person in the world I can hardy ever say I love you to her. But yeah I think I know why. It's because I'm not out to them. I am not honest. And therefore I withhold myself. What a fucking shame.

See my mom confuses me. One day I think she would be kewl if i come out. She would say stuff like "u only like that boy on American idol, cause he's got a baby face". Or i.e. one day she must have caught me staring at this boy that I'm in love with, cause she said "Ur gonna get hurt. He is not looking at u in the right way." I know right, how good does she know me?! But yeah, then other times she would be like no God doesn't really want it and all. This happens when I like watch Ellen. And I get crushed. Speaking bout mixed signals.

And then I think again. And this brings she to something she told me today. "I love my children way too much for my own good". Does she? Does she? Would she still feel that way if, not if, when I come out. One of my friends said that the fact that she loves me so much can count in my favour...or against me...bleh! I don't know.

I just wish I could connect myself to a lie detector and ask myself a lot of questions. Like why do I feel bad because I'm opposes to baptising a child. I'm attending one tomorrow. I mean give the child a chance to make her/his own conclusions...so yeah. I have my own take on religion/spirituality. I won't go into that now. I have to much left to say. Do I actually believe in a god...I think I do. I mean on my own terms. I much more spiritual. A poet once said. man cannot do without religion. Nor can he do with it as it is. This rings very true to me.

Nway, Next.

I'm a metrosexual, sensitive guy that is into arts. But I don't wanna come across as fem. I mean no offence but it's is just not for me. But maybe that is who I am and that is why I am scratching my head over this. Just because I also like boys, doesn't have to have me loose my masculinity in my sexuality. But yet..every time I see a guy I kinda find attractive, I find myself feeling more fem. Someone please do explain this to me. Maybe guy gays know bout this.

I wanna take time out to thank someone who played a very important part in my life. Joey from Bi in High School. We have not known each other for long, but u have done more good then u would ever know. If it were not for u I would not of started to blog. And from judging above I kinda need it. So thank you for saving me from myself.
I will miss ur blog and I will miss u. I will be awaiting ur return eagerly. Mwah!!!!

And in other news. Congrats Carwin on ur 200th post. I follow u very feverishly. U are a great guy! Keep it up!

Always hard's Josh! It is MY NEW YEARS WISH THAT U JUST GRAB UR ALEX AND KISS HIM TO DEATH. HE WANTS U SO BAD BOY!!!!

Also a special mention to Tyler form "The thoughts of a boy in high school" U were the first blog I followed. I think u are great.

Still haven't seen avatar - sold out all 3 times I went. which is highly peculiar for my country.

All in all I think I have a new addiction. I am starting to see my life as a blog post. Is this a normal experience at first?

Love and peace,

xXx

WTF ?!?

2010-01-01T20:05:00.007+02:00

First off HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2010 2010 2010

So I had this pardy at my house as u guys would have read in a previous post. Bout 12 people ended up comng over. This is more then i expected seeing that most people I know left to go somewhere for the BIG PARDY!!!!

So. I drank a LOT! I was still drunk after I got up and it lasted to about 5PM!!! I'm such a bad boi. But, we all really did have a great time. Oh, I ended up kissing this girl I have had a liking in for like 2 years. I was swimming and she was coming out of the house. So I jumped out walked straight to her and told her "I am going to kiss you". Shame I was all wet, but I took her in my arms and just gave her a deep long kiss. Then we stopped after that resting our heads on each other and then I went in for round two. Apparently this time my parents walked in and saw this. Lol. They must feel so proud. Shame, if only they knew the whole truth lolz!

Nway so we spoke a while bout what happened so after talking a while I asked her out. She said yes. I also told her I'm bi. I actually told three people on the night. Whoot whoot! Feels great! So yeah omg a girlfriend, eh?

Not anymore. Lolz. And no it was not a sexy pool boy that came between us. When I woke up this morning I saw that I had a text. It was her. She broke it off. Lol! Fuck!!!! I called it our 2 minute noodles love affair!!! Hahaha!!!

i don't know what to make of it really...think I was kinda exited. Weird for me. I do not really do relationships. The 6 hours this lasted was my longest relationship in 4 years. I probably have some commitment issues. Bleh! Fuckit!

Now I can go boy hunting or something. So this will be fun.

P.S. the dreadful girl came over as well. I just treated her VERY nice so she wasn't a burden. Yay me!

Peace and love,

xXx

Dinner and urm a show!!!1

2009-12-30T02:42:00.005+02:00

What a interesting day it was.

So I went to this Jamaican restaurant tonight to celebrate my cousin's finance's birthday. It was such a nice place. I really did enjoy it very much.

I had three very interesting cocktails throughout the dinner. Very yummy!!!
Then for starters I had chili mussels. It was so divine!!!! Then for mains I had this gourmet style burger. It was chili chicken with Camembert cheese and cranberry sauce.. OMG!!! What a combo!!! I was curling my toes. I was so stuffed I didn't have room for dessert, but I ordered a Jamaican style coffee which was delicious! I will be going back to this place soon in the future!

And in other news.

One of my best gf is acting so weird. I don't get it. We were super close this past month but the past week she has been ignoring me and when I saw her tonight she had this weird attitude. It sux. I hope it blows over quickly.

Something really weird happened tonight. Super weird. I was blushing half of the evening. After the dinner I wanted to go dancing. So I called up two gf's and went (one of them was the previously mentioned one). So we went to this regular spot we go to every so often. And for the first time there were gay guys. Cute gay guys at that. I was like so urm proud in a way. Felt strong in numbers. Representing and all. But then...

They started to hit on me. This was so peculiar to me. Two guys started dancing with me on the dance floor. I was so shocked and shy. So I just kinda left after a minute. I didn't know what to do. I'm only out to a dozen or so people. And then I went to the bar to order a beer. Whilst standing there two guys came over and stood next to me - one on each side and was kinda was checking me out. So I ordered my beer and left. This is when one grabbed my ass.

I was so horrified. I have never been in such a situation.
I am kinda happy and sad and confused all at once.
I don't know what to think.

Why did I react in this way. Was I ashamed of myself. Ashamed of the guys?
Overwhelmed or embarrassed?

Mmm this will be on my mind for a day or two...

What do u guys think. Was I begin a douche?

P.S Thanx to the two new followers!!!!

Love and peace,

xXx

One ring to rule them all

2009-12-29T01:02:00.006+02:00

Another day gone.

Was quite a lazy day. Slept very very late and then got up, ate salad and was spending some time with mom in my parents' room (oh, that does not sound good lol).

I also decided that I'll be hosting a new year's eve pardy at my house so that will be rad. I CANNOT WAIT!!!! Invited over bout 20 people, but obviously more will pitch. I'm planning on making a lethal punch. So if any of u have a great recipe please tell me bout it!!!

So tonight I went to dinner with one of my friends of 11 years, her boyfriend (who I just adore) and her cousin. I heard that the cousin will be here for new years, so I invited her along - seeing as my other friend will be there and also the fact that her home town is the place were my amazing mom was born. So she has to be kewl right?

NOT!!!!!!

She is a very unpleasant person. She kept telling me and the other two that we should not drink and smoke. FFS! She was drinking cocktails herself. And I don't smoke. The only time I do, however is like once every two months if I am at a pardy and there is a hubbly-bubbly (hookah). I think I like smoking it, because it keeps the crowd together and that is good, otherwise everyone goes of and does their own thing.

Nway, what really bothered me was the fact that when the dude and myself were sitting next to each other she said to us u guys are sitting all closer to each other. And we were like wtf?! We didn't even notice. And then we were like fuck it so he put his head on my shoulder and I played with his hair - just to piss her off. See, he and his girlfriend (my good friend) both know about me and is totally down with it.

So that was settled. I thought. But then when I was joking around with my friend she said I look "really gay" doing it. I was making spirit fingers. (I was reanimating something out of a movie.) So when she said it I was like "okay whatever works for you". At this point I was starting to get pissed off.

She took it even further commenting on my ring which I sometimes, for no apparent reason, wear on my ring finger. she said "so when did he give it to u". Now this ring is just worn as an accessory. I got it for my birthday a year back from my cousin. So I said he gave it to me bout a year ago. (Gay marriage is legal in SA, but that's another post). So she was shocked. She asked me who. And I replied "the priest, it is a purity ring".

LOLOL!!!

She was like so taken aback and my other two buddies were laughing, cause they knew the truth. Priceless.

P.S No offence meant to anyone who wears purity rings. I think it is quite honorable and admirable. Keep it up.

Peace and love,

xXx

My heritage: Part two

2009-12-27T22:42:00.012+02:00

Hey people!

So I've decided to do another post on my culture. My online friends seem to find it quite interesting. Me, not so much so I'm not putting too much energy into this one!
Haha!

As u may have noticed I am not such a great fan of my culture. Which is quite sad I admit. I mean there are the qualities that i revere, but mostly I just do my own thing. Too much pompous bullshit and what I call "procedures".

Well my gran always said the beginning is the best place to start. No I'm lying she never said that. But if she had it would of been a nice touch me thinx heheh...nway.

The Boers.

So this is the part were I ramble on about them if i really cared.
But being a teenager I'm just gonna paste a link to wiki.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boer

The reason I am not the greatest fan of the boers are because of the whole Apartheid thing. It just gets to me. I mean I think maybe some Germans could identify with me. I know I wasn't part of it, but meh. I come from a line of terrible people.

But ye oke. I don't believe anyone is pure good or evil.
So read the wiki article if u would like to. It is actually quite interesting.

Peace and love,

xXx

My heritage: An introduction to kissing

2009-12-27T01:16:00.009+02:00

As I said I'm gonna do a few posts on my culture/heritage.

As a white Afrikaans speaking male from SA I am considered a Afrikaner. Or colloquially known as a Boer. For those of u that is not familiar with this subject (most of u lol) I will go into detail about this in a next post.

However I would like to explain something to u that sheds light not only on me, but also my culture. They kiss. They hug. When we say hello: they kiss and hug. When we say goodbye: they kiss and hug. Luckily for me being male and all I get to only shake the hands of the men.

This is not working for me. At all. I use to go along with it. But no more. I have a complete balance between extroversion and introversion. Most people that know me would kill themselves laughing if they read this. I come accross as an uber-extravert. In fact I often, to my own disbelive, discover that I am shy. Weird. I can stand on stage and perfrom in front of a crowd of 1000's. But don't introduce me to a group of distant relatives. It freaks me out.

And then the kissing. Bleh! I can't do it. It is gross. And I always feel the need to wash my hands after shaking hands with all the men. I'm not a germaphobe. but eeuq I dont know where the fuck those hands were.

Now this is were "the problem" gets more intricate. They (the kissers, the hugger, the boers) do not get this. Thus, I shy away from greeting. I come in after everyone has settled in and just announce myself briefly to the room and before engaging in conversation. Also when i sense that people are getting ready to leave I disapear. Hahah I'm such a bad boi!!!

But they notice it. They sense it. The awkwardness of me taking an old ladies hand and shaking it is so out of the normal "prosedure". That look they would get that they try to conceal. Is it shock? Or disbelieve? Confusion? They kinda get mmmm offended is the wrong word. It's like they sniff that I'm not from of breed. Lol!!!!

Maybe I am putting to much thought into this. But geez I don't wanna kiss an old distant senile relative that can't even pronounce my name and forgot to put in her dentures.

Anyway, I don't wanna put them down. The Boers are an amzingly kewl bunch of naively great down-to-earth hardworking people (who just happens to be blinded by their ways). All in all they are good people. They stive to be. (Lol even though their track record is seriously stained, eh?)

I just wish they could see the error of their ways.
AND more importantly stop fucking kissing me!!!!!

Haha, peace and love!

xXx

My reflection

2009-12-25T20:13:00.003+02:00

So....

I was thinking bout Xmas. I had a great time. I had great food and wine and got nice presents and all.

I live in Africa. But I am so fortunate. I come from a upper middle class family.
We have a good life. But this got me thinking. While I was giving out the gifts at 12 I fell silent for a few seconds and though: geez...all this is too much.

There are people dying of hunger...small children. And I am wasting money on stupid gifts. This is terrible...

Why do I always seem to care bout the less fortunate, but don't ever really do anything? Don't get me wrong I always give money and the time of day to those in need. But not nearly enough. This I shall have to work on. It just feels to be the right thing to do.

Nway, I don't want to rant. But if u wish give some thought to this.

And in other news. I am planning to do a post on my country and on my heritage. If this interests you, be assured I will make this a fun post!

I had myself a merry little Xmas!!!!

2009-12-25T01:31:00.004+02:00

Guys!!!!

What an awesome Xmas dinner I had!!! I'm so happy! Had the nicest foodies! And the music and company was so amazing. Seeing forward to the pardy tomorrow as well!

I want to thank my four followers. Thank you all so much it means a helluva lot!!!
Also thanx to Tim from Italy who comments!!! U guys are rad!!!

I got kewl gifts all in all! Two shirts. One pink. One purple. Mmmm, me thinx the family is expecting something...muhahah. Other then that I got some nice chocolates, new pc speakers, a new webcam and a great book!

I am sOOOOooooOOOOoooOOO blessed and I am truely grateful. It is wonderful. ;-)

I hope that you all have the most AMAZING day. I shall post again later in the day. Or at least it is the plan.

Till then!

Peace
xXx

Somer Kersfees!

2009-12-24T13:20:00.004+02:00

Heya!

OMW I'm so exited - three comments! Thanx guys this really is one of the kewlest gifts i will be receiving this year!!!

Again Joey, thanx for the link up!!!

So it is the 24th December and we will be having a nice intimate family dinner. Bout 6 people. I think it is so sweet. And on Xmas day we will be 22 people. Gonna be hectic fun!

Brings me to my point: Do u guys also still experience the magic of Xmas? Or have u fallen prey to the media and jingle bells?

Although I do despise what Xmas has become I do not think that one should write it off in entirty. It brings people together. This is wonderful.

Nway Merry Xmas/Happy Holidays to the Americans lol!

I have a few kewl post lined up so be sure to check it out!

Peace!

P.S. I'm still figuring out how this works to paste vidz/pics/links so in time my blog will become more interactive.

Misty Blue Ghost

2009-12-23T14:40:00.004+02:00

Heya!

So, I am making a second post. I don't know why I am so hesitant to blogging. I want to. But I never seem to have the nerve.

So Avatar was sold out. I ended up watching Invictus. As with all Eastwood flicks it was technically flawed. The slow mo' was overkill. Bleh. BUT, and this is a majour but, he has the uncanny ability to draw emotion. He is therfore in my eyes a master of the craft. Good old pure simple storytelling. That for me guys is the essence of film.

I discovered an amazing boy last night while blog surfing.
http://beingbiinhighschooljoeysblog.blogspot.com/
The blog is amazingly kewl due to the fact that Joey seems to be amazing.

He made this most about his friend with whom he shares a special bond. He also posted a video link to this song Misty Blue.

This is the most amazing post ever known to man: http://beingbiinhighschooljoeysblog.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-best-friend.html

Thank you Joey.

As if that wasn't enough I rewatched Ghost just now. What a amazing flick.

I'm a bundle of raw emotion. Jai, at least its Xmas and I can use this as an excuse to be all emotional Hahah! Thanx Santa!

Nway,

Peace

Blog virgin no more

2009-12-21T23:00:00.005+02:00

Hey!

So I've been putting of staring my blog for toooOOOooo long now.
I'm such a perfectionist and I wanted the perfect start. But, bleh!

So this is it. I'm 19, bi, male and living my life. I'm semi-out. So that's good enough.

For now...

Nways, I'm so exited cause im gonna watch Avatar 3D tomorow!
Will let u know how it is!

Peace!